


The Dark Woods

by Zendelai



Series: The Woods [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Acceptance, Character Development, Death, F/M, Fairly Regular Tissue Warnings, Humor, Immortality, Romance, change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-14 10:46:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 33
Words: 50,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1263409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zendelai/pseuds/Zendelai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cerberus brought Zoey Shepard back to life, they made sure to keep her that way.</p><p>Now she must learn the difficulties of watching those around her fall to the Reapers while she cannot.</p><p>Part two of the Woods series, sequel to The Deep Woods. Set during the events of ME3. Progressively more AU, non-canon. Established Garrus/FemShep, Tali/Kal, and Thane/Kasumi. Developing Ashley/James. Prepare for a lot of laughs and a lot of tears. Minimum Mon-Wed-Fri updates.</p><p>COMPLETE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and welcome to part two of the Woods series!
> 
> This is a sequel to my other work, The Deep Woods, set during the events of Mass Effect 3. I will leave a summary below of its predecessor to prevent the necessity of reading it, although it is recommended. I will note for new readers that I put a song at the beginning of my chapters that I find captures the feel of the chapter, either through the lyrics or the melody, that I'd recommend listening to while reading.
> 
> I would like to thank the loyal readers who have partaken in this journey with me so far, and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Part two is my pride and joy and I'm absolutely thrilled I finally get to post it. There will be a lot of lighthearted fun and a lot of sadness, and I assure you this won't be a journey you'll soon forget.
> 
> Thank you, a million times over, for taking the time to read this. 
> 
>  
> 
> Deep Woods summary:  
> Zoey Shepard discovers that when Cerberus resurrected her, they created a cell in her implants that repairs all damaged cells, resulting in immortality. While coping with the changes and putting together her team to hit the Collector base, she discovers and acts on her feelings towards Garrus Vakarian. But her crew is kidnapped before she can fully develop her team and she's forced to assault the base to save them, resulting in the deaths of Jacob, Jack, and Legion. Now she has to confront both her overwhelming guilt and the Alliance's charges for her crimes against the batarian people during the Arrival.

Zoey Shepard was a dirty fucking traitor.

 

After everything he had done for her -- bringing her back, keeping her alive, giving her a ship -- she cut all ties to Cerberus.

 

The Illusive Man grabbed a nearby light and threw it across the room in frustration.

 

Dirty traitor bitch.

 

He knew the truth. She was so caught up with the notion that there was a clear cut good and evil, and that evil had to be destroyed, that she missed the entire big picture. Humanity deserved advancement, not to be held back by a Commander with a skewed sense of morality and judgement.

 

Shepard didn't know it yet, but by crossing him she had made the most foolish decision of her life. She had no idea about his magnificent gift, his true power.

 

Besides, Cerberus's destiny was bigger than her. Bigger than the Alliance. Bigger than the galaxy.

 

A ping resonated through his office, and his new assistant's sugary sweet voice played through the intercom. "Councillor Udina is requesting to speak with you, sir."

 

Needing to relax himself, he took his time pouring a drink, sitting, and lighting up a cigarette. "Patch him through."

 

The comm channel behind him opened, and he heard Udina's familiar brown nosing. "You called for me, sir?"

 

The Illusive Man spun his chair to face the human ambassador. "We need to organize a coup."

 

A wicked smile spread across Udina's face. "Go on."

 

Shepard's world will crumble.

 


	2. Chapter One

Knights of Cydonia - Muse

  


The scope was cold against her eye as she swept the area from her perch.

  


Although there were no enemies on her radar, Shepard kept a close eye for any faint changes in the air that could indicate cloaking. The forested area was large, with dozens of cargo crates for potential cover and a host of trees to block her vision. She was currently stationed in a small crow's nest where she had raised the ladder to prevent any attacks from behind.

  


Zoey almost jumped but restrained herself when she spotted exactly what she was looking for: a geth hunter. Sniping had become her focus for the last six months, and as soon as she had a target in her sights she followed her routine: forefinger on the trigger, line up the target, deep inhalation to focus energy, line up again, exhale, and pull the trigger. As expected her routine worked and the hunter dropped with a hole clean through his head light.

  


Pulling a thermal clip from her belt, she leaned back to reload her Mantis. A loud curse escaped her lips when a soft _ping_ indicated that she had just been shot in the head.

  


"What the hell was that, James?" She growled as the crates disappeared and the room flickered and returned to its emptiness and dull grey walls. "I had no idea you were so sneaky."

  


"That's because it wasn't the Lieutenant, Commander."

  


A true gasp escaped her lips at the voice resonating around the room. "Anderson? Is that you? Should have known James wasn't smart enough to set me up for a trap like that."

  


"Yeah kid, it's me. I've come to get you out of here. The Defense Committee wants to listen to you."

  


She felt a mix of exasperation and relief. "About damn time." She hoisted her Mantis -- Garrus's Mantis -- over her shoulder and slid backwards down the stairs before jogging to the exit of the combat simulator. Anderson was waiting at the door, and she saluted him before reaching her hand out to shake his. He bypassed her hand and pulled her in for a hug, enveloping her in his woodsy smell.

  


He gripped her shoulders and gave her a quick one-over when he pulled away from the embrace. "I see you've been keeping in shape. Have they been making you do mandatory laps of the compound?"

  


James jogged to meet up with the pair, saluting to both of them. He held his muscular arm out to take the Mantis, which Shepard handed to him without taking her eyes off of Anderson before he jogged off.

  


"I have a lot of free time, Admiral. When I'm in my cell -- which is most of the time -- I'm either reading or exercising. You can't imagine what a fight I had to put up to get an hour on the shooting range daily, and my rifle has to be loaded with blanks. Although it's not like I couldn't get out using my biotics."

  


"We both know they're just wasting your time."

  


"Thanks to Cerberus, time is something I have more than enough of." She let out an exasperated sigh. "How have things been out there? I've had no comm in or out and James has to keep tight-lipped."

  


Anderson rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Not good, Shepard. The Council and the Alliance should have listened to you a long time ago." He swallowed. "The Reapers are starting to hit. The batarians are almost wiped out, and we're getting scans indicating they're on their way here now."

  


Shepard let out a word that her mother would have chastised her for. She grabbed Anderson's arm and stopped, feeling dizzy from the need for knowledge that encompassed her. "Any word from--"

  


Anderson's eyebrow rose. "The turians?" Shepard nodded. "No news yet. But things are going to change by the minute in this war. Don't let yourself get too attached to anything because you never know when you'll have to say goodbye." She didn't miss the shadow that crossed his eyes.

  


"War is a time when we have to appreciate what we have."

  


"Too true, Shepard." They stepped outside; it was overcast -- not surprising in Vancouver -- but warm. He started leading her to the oversized Alliance Headquarters in the compound. "Which is why we have to make it as short as damn possible."

  


She was rocked by the overwhelming feeling that matters were about to get much, much worse.

  


* * *

 

  


Garrus was crouched on his own perch, scouting ahead through the scope of his Viper at one of the gates that protected the base on Menae. At the moment, it was quiet.

  


Too quiet.

  


The air was filled with an eerie silence and the acrid smell of burning bodies. They had survived the first wave of husk attacks, but had suffered many losses. When General Corinthus realized that the Reapers were taking away their dead comrades and returning them as enemies in the form of Marauders, he had ordered all casualties to be burned. The thought that the pile of ash before him was once the flesh and blood of his fellow soldiers -- his friends -- made him sick to his stomach.

  


_Damn war._

  


He momentarily moved his scope away from his eye to take a mouthful of water from his canteen, and when he looked to the sky it darkened. Red lightning jumped between the black clouds, and when he peered at the sky through his scope he saw the arms of a Reaper destroyer emerging.

  


He immediately punched a planet-wide alarm code into his omni-tool before jumping onto the comm channel. "General Corinthus, come in, this is Advisor Vakarian. We have an incoming Reaper destroyer, repeat, incoming Reaper destroyer." He swallowed hard when he realized the Reaper was going to land uncomfortably close to his position. "Current expected trajectory is in proximity of Gate B."

  


"Copy that Vakarian. Hold your position, I'll send troops over as soon as I can. Corinthus out."

  


Garrus pushed his fears aside and counted his thermal clips. Thirty-four. His position was easily defensible: he had climbed up a rocky face with limited cover and proximity mines placed at the base of the hill, and his sides and rear was a sheer drop down a cliff. However, the thought of one man with thirty-four thermal clips against an entire troop of Reapers filled him with despair.

  


The ground shook as three flaming meteors hit the ground, and the Reapers immediately began their assault. The first wave consisted of a dozen husks, four Cannibals and two Marauders. They hadn't noticed him yet, so he made his first move tactically, using Overload on a far Marauder to take down its shields and stagger it before sending it to the ground with a clean headshot. One of the Cannibals let out a roar and ran towards its leader before Garrus shot it down as well, his attention turning towards a Cannibal that was near a cliff's edge that he used Concussive Shot on, sending it tumbling down hill.

  


A loud bang resonated from the foot of his hill, and he saw three dead husks fly into the air from the force of the mine. This meant that the rest of the troops had a way up to him, so he switched to his assault rifle and focused his clips on taking down the dangerously close husks, their cries daunting as they filled the air. The rest of the Cannibals and a few of the husks made their way to the gate, and although he had taken out the husks nearest to him his stomach convulsed when he spotted more ground troops incoming.

  


He turned on his comm device. "General, this is Advisor Vakarian requesting assistance at Gate B."

  


"...comm... out........ tus.... ing....... read..."

  


"General, do you read?"

  


"...this...............ian......"

  


"General?"

  


He cursed when he received only static in reply. He began to snipe the troops that were assaulting the gate, but more were incoming quickly. By the time the husks and cannibals at the gate had fallen, a group of five Cannibals and three Marauders were starting to climb up his hill, so he switched to his assault rifle and sprayed them in hopes of knocking them down.

  


"I've got you, Vakarian!"

  


Relief washed over him as General Victus and his troops came from a hill to the north, fighting viciously. That came as no surprise: Victus was tough but inspired his troops, and they easily cleaned out the area with the assistance of Garrus's precision shooting.

  


They made short work of the Reapers, and Victus only lost two men. When the hostiles had been taken out, the General ordered the bodies to be piled and burned. "With me, Vakarian." Garrus jogged down from his perch and saluted the General, who pulled him aside for a quiet discussion.

  


"Our comm channels are in shambles. I can't get in touch with base, but I want them to know that I'm staying here to hold this area. Could you head back to let them know, and try to get those comms up and running? I don't want to be out here blind."

  


Garrus nodded firmly.

  


"One more thing, Vakarian. I was on a channel with the Primarch before the Reapers took out the comm tower. Sparatus had sent him a wave, notifying him that a human ship was on the way to pick him up."

  


Garrus's mandibles tightened against his face, and his subvocals instead of his words betrayed his anticipation. "I think we'll need more than one human ship to win this war."

  


"If it's the ship I think it is, I'll have to disagree with you on that one."

  


He had to restrain himself from sprinting back to base.


	3. Chapter Two

Hustle Rose - Metric

 

Shepard sat at Ashley's bedside, gripping her friend's hand tightly, tears threatening to spring into her brown eyes.

 

She couldn't believe that she was here again, watching an ailing squad mate and friend while she remained unscathed.

 

Since the attack on the Collector base, Shepard felt a change within herself. She began her career as a Commander as a compassionate woman with an interest only in saving lives. But her priorities were changing.

 

Cerberus had ruined her when they made her immortal. The word itself was thought of with contempt. Each person that she watched die brought her endless pain with the knowledge that she could have saved them and walked out of it unharmed. But they still followed her; they still fought as if she was an asset that needed to be protected.

 

Her thoughts ventured back into the base, when she watched Legion be gunned down closing the doors to protect the team. It was hard to believe that he had changed her entire perception about the geth people, and that she would have once considered him an enemy but now considered him to be a brave friend who fought hard for humanity. When she watched him fall, it was like a part of her died with him, knowing that she could have jumped into the fire to save him but he chose to sacrifice himself instead.

 

Her grip on Ashley's hand tightened. Every single day she thought of Jack, Jacob, and Legion. On the SR-2 she had thought of them as soldiers and friends. But she had forgotten the most important part: they were people. They had been toddlers at one point; they would have learned to walk and talk and be beautifully innocent. They had families, friends, pets, _lives_. That was, of course, before she recruited them on the Normandy and they died under her lead. Consistent helplessness had absorbed her during her time in incarceration, but it began to reform into something new.

 

 

Sure, she destroyed those Collector bastards and their base. But she knew they weren't the real enemy. The real threat. The real reason why she had lost so many crew members and the real reason why she had watched hundreds of humans burn and be destroyed back on Earth.

 

It was the Reapers. Everything was the Reapers. But they wouldn't stop just because Zoey managed to save a few lives on the way. The only thing they knew was death and destruction, and that was exactly what she was going to give them.

 

_Shepard..._

 

The voice had been as clear as if it was right beside her. She jumped and gazed at Ashley, but it was foolish: the voice was male, deep, rumbling, both disturbing and beautiful. Her senses heightened and her eyes darted around the room, but she caught no movement.

 

She began to relax after several minutes of silence. She remembered that she had barely slept since Anderson had retrieved her, and attributed the voice to sleep deprivation.

 

Yet, when she stood and made her way to the Presidium to meet with the Council, the memory of the voice remained in the back of her mind like an itch she couldn't scratch.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

She was walking through an ever-changing terrain. There was an unexplained purpose behind her travels; she knew there was a destination that she desperately had to reach, but she didn't know where or why so she let her feet carry her. First she was in a desert, endless acres of sand and dune under the relentlessly hot sun rays. She climbed to the peak of a dune, and when she looked down she saw jungle that stretched for miles and miles. She jogged down the dune into the humid jungle, dense and alive with the long-forgotten sounds of birds, howler monkeys, and millions of bugs. The hike through the jungle was long, and although she heard the animals she saw nothing but marsh and trees until they thinned to reveal a massive city with buildings that reached into the clouds. Reproachfully she made her way through the eerily empty streets, waiting for another soul to join her but finding none.

 

Then she heard the sound that awoke fear in the deepest part of her: the rumble followed by the sharp grinding of a Reaper laser. Sovereign came through the clouds, his massive arms opening to grip to the top of one of the buildings.

 

"We are the vanguard of your destruction, Shepard." His voice was deep and booming, reverberating through her sinew and bones. "You are weak. Your efforts are hopeless. Humanity will be destroyed."

 

The sharp grinding reverberated through the air as his laser hit the ground directly by Shepard, close enough that she could feel the extreme heat but far enough away that she was left unhurt.

 

When she recovered herself to see the path of destruction from his laser, she heard a far off scream. There was a body on the ground. The scream, high pitched and terrified, grew louder and louder as she neared the body.

 

Two realizations came to her instantaneously: the body was Garrus, and it was she who was screaming.

 

Her eyes flew open and she sat up in bed, covering her mouth to hide the scream. She closed her eyes and gasped for breath, her heart aching as the lucid dream played over and over again in her mind.

 

Perhaps Mordin was right. It was possible that she did have PTSD. But she was a Commander: her job was to lead, and to be strong to her team, not cry to them about her nightmares.

 

She shook her head to clear it and stood. Today was going to be an incredibly important day, for both the war effort and for her. She would get the Primarch and the support of the turians, and hopefully she would be able to get a lead on the location of Garrus.

 

Hope springs eternal.

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus had to use all of his military training to maintain composure as he jogged to the base, his breathing steady.

 

Although on his path he reminded himself repeatedly that the ship may not be the Normandy, and even if it is it may not be Shepard commanding it; but he still had to hope.

 

When you watch your fellow soldiers become utterly destroyed by an unstoppable enemy, hope is all you have.

 

He slowed his pace to a walk when he reached the main gate, on the receiving end of a salute from the officer on duty. It was still a strange sensation to have men saluting him instead of the other way around.

 

A lot had changed since he landed on Palaven six months ago. However, his feelings for Shepard were one thing that hadn't.

 

He entered the gate and crested a ridge just inside the base, his heart stopping when he saw a Kodiak shuttle parked just outside the gate.  


	4. Chapter Three

Asthenia - blink-182

  


_She was perched on his lap on the couch in her quarters, running her fingers over the lines of his carapace, her expression curious._

  


_"I remember when I first joined the Alliance," she muttered. "It was 2172, and a lot of wounds were still fresh from the First Contact War. When we were off duty from basic, all the recruits would discuss how strange they thought the turian people were. 'Bird-dinosaur' and 'mask-face' were among the kinder descriptions. But truthfully, weren't humans just misunderstanding other species from the lack of contact? To this day humans have tendencies to be xenophobic, finding the thought of fraternization with other species unappealing. But there's something about turians that's fascinatingly beautiful, and humans who say that you all look the same are crazy."_

  


_Garrus's laugh was light and carefree. "Humans are the ones who all look the same."_

  


_She snorted. "We used to all look more different. Did you know that humans used to oppress other humans? White Americans would force African-Americans to become their slaves and treat them like animals. Nazi Germany exterminated millions of Jews just for their religious beliefs and the Japanese killed millions of the Chinese. We'd engage in wars with other countries over land and egos. Meeting the turians was the best thing that ever happened to humanity: instead of fighting with each other, we dropped our barriers and united."_

  


_"Who knew that war would be such a good thing?"_

  


_"Humans will fight, one way or another, but it’s a nice change to not have it within ourselves."_

  


_"Well I know that my preconceived notions of humans have been abolished. I used to think you were all self-centered, entitled, and squishy."_

  


_"What do you think now?"_

  


_"You're caring, hard-working and deserving of everything that you've accomplished, and your skin is soft and beautiful. In fact, one human in particular has shown me that humans are hard workers who can inspire people and bring them together regardless of the circumstances. That human also taught me what it feels like to care about one person more than anything in the galaxy."_

  


_A warm smile spread across her face, and without saying a word he knew that she felt the same way._

  


When Garrus walked up the steps to General Corinthus's command centre on Menae and met Shepard's eyes, her smile was the exact same as it was that night in his memories.

  


She looked just as stunning as the last time he saw her. Her expression was harder and her waist was thinner, but she was still Zoey. His Zoey. He wanted nothing more to pull her into his arms and hold her close, feeling her softness and his warmth. However, he remained aloof, unsure if her feelings were still reciprocated and wanting to remain professional in front of Corinthus.

  


Her hand reached out to him, remaining formal in front of the General, so he responded by clasping it in both of his. When their eyes met, both fire and relief passed between them.

  


His breath hitched and his mandibles squeezed tight to his face when he spotted the gun over her shoulder in its holster. "I see you brought the Mantis."

  


The General shot a confused expression in his direction, a warning that his subvocals were betraying his feelings. "Of course I did," she responded. "I've been practicing."

  


"Can't wait to see it on the battlefield."

  


He didn't miss the smile that touched her eyes.

  


* * *

 

  


Fighting at Shepard's side again was like slipping into his most comfortable pair of boots.

  


Armed with her sniper rifle, it was strange having her behind him instead of in front of him, having her watching his six instead of the other way around, but they fell into a comfortable pace right away. It was obvious that she had been practicing: her aim was excellent, she excelled at leading shots, and she had the natural patience required to strike at the right time.

  


She might even be better than him.

  


No, impossible. He's Garrus Vakarian, not even Shepard could out snipe him.

  


Lost in his thoughts, he had to turn briskly to pepper a husk to his right with bullets.

  


"Losing your touch, Vakarian?" Shepard jogged past him, letting out a pealing laugh in spite of the horrors they were surrounded with. "Or just distracted by the sights?"

  


He pulled his face into an expression of mock insult. "I've had enough of your snide insinuations!" The pure happiness at rejoining with Shepard betrayed him, and his subharmonics purred with contentment.

  


She read him like a book and her face lit up in response. "You'll get over it," she responded. Sparing a quick glance to make sure they were alone, she whispered into his ear, "At least, I hope you do by tonight. We have a reunion to attend to after we find Victus."

  


He remained silent lest he betray his excitement, shaking his head to clear it of the _very_ distracting images which had just filled it. He jogged to catch up with Shepard and Vega, the new recruit, his spirit fulfilled for the first time in six months.

  


So he followed her, obeying her every commanding order. They took out every enemy in their way and successfully retrieved the Primach before heading back to the Normandy.

  


He closed his eyes when he stepped onto the ship and inhaled deeply, reveling in her sweet scent. Once again, it had changed: the aggressive red had been replaced with a familiar Alliance blue; wires snaked around the floor, indicating that their departure had been unexpected; and more unfamiliar faces were scattered around the ship, calling out requests to each other to prepare for takeoff. But it was still the Normandy, Shepard's Normandy, and as he stood at the helm with his hand gripping Joker's chair watching Palaven grow small as they pulled away, he had a revelation.

  


He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit that my first several chapters are short and a bit slow, but things will swiftly pick up.
> 
> I have created a tumblr account, strictly dedicated to Mass Effect and to fic. If you're interested in asking me any questions, hearing me discuss my writing process, or just seeing pretty Shakarian pictures, you can find it here! zendelai.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you for reading and I'll see you on Monday!


	5. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise fluff and smut chapter!!! :) ENJOY!

Sea of Love - Cat Power

  


Shepard felt like a fool as she stood in the empty main battery.

  


The way she had acted on Menae was a perfect example of her excitement overtaking her logic. She had thrown herself onto Garrus like a cat in heat, having no idea if he met someone else on Palaven or if he even still had feelings for her.

  


Finding his usual haunt empty reaffirmed her foolishness.

  


She sighed, turning to leave while reminding herself that taking down the Reapers came first with her romantic feelings a distant second. Regardless of Garrus's feelings for her, she respected his abilities in combat and his value as a team member and she knew she needed him on the Normandy.

  


The Alliance clearly put faster elevators low on their priority list during the retrofits, and she let out a groan of exasperation as it crawled to her quarters. She closed her eyes and hit the back of her head repeatedly against the wall, desperate for the quiet respite of a hot shower and a series of mind-numbing reports.

  


She dragged her feet as she stepped out of the elevator, removing her gloves and starting to unclasp her armour before opening the door to her quarters.

  


Her heart stopped at the image before her.

  


Flowers -- stunning purple flowers, with wide petals and an intoxicatingly sweet scent -- were set in bouquets at every corner of the room. The lights were dimmed, the flicker of candlelight bouncing off the walls, and she distantly recognized the ballad playing over her record player as a Cat Power song. Her jaw to the floor, she took a tentative step into her quarters, nearly jumping to the roof when Garrus stood from her couch. When his eyes lit up at the sight of her, all of her prior concerns were wiped away.

  


"Zoey," he whispered, his subvocals inflecting in a mix of excitement and nerves. He crossed the room in three long steps and swept her into his arms, spinning her in circles while he spread kisses across her face and neck. She giggled like she was young and carefree again.

  


"Garrus... I..." He placed her gently on her feet while she stammered. "I was so _foolish_ on Menae, I thought... I assumed... that you still felt the same way, but it never crossed my mind that you could have moved on, forgotten about... about me... and..."

  


He silenced her with a taloned finger over her mouth. "Zoey, you must be crazy if you think for one second that my feelings were with anyone else but you.

  


"Leaving you on the Citadel six months ago shattered me, but the moment I saw you again on Menae all the pieces came back together again."

  


At a loss for words, she swallowed hard and ran her fingers along his mandible, cherishing his warmth.

  


"There's something I should have said a long time ago." He clasped her gloved hands in his own, his gaze falling on the depths of her eyes. "I love you, Zoey Shepard."

  


A lump caught in her throat and her eyes stung as she fought back the tears that threatened to overtake her. As a result, her voice was hoarse when she responded, "I love you, Garrus Vakarian."

  


She threw her arms around his cowl and held his fringe as she pulled him in to a deep kiss, her tongue tasting his sweetness. Her hands roamed over his body, searching for the clasps of his armour, desperate to feel their bodies together again.

  


He responded with a groan, his body shaking with anticipation as she methodically removed his armour piece-by-piece until he was wearing nothing but the thin, skin-tight fabric of his underarmour.

  


"This just isn't fair," he purred, kissing down her neck. "You're far too dressed for the occasion." His hands shaking, he removed her armour, kissing every bare inch of her ivory skin that he could find. When they were both down to their underarmour, he hoisted her up onto his hips by her thighs and led her to the bed. He laid her down before lowering himself on top of her, moving with increasing desperation as he removed her shirt to kiss and lick her stomach and breasts.

  


She closed her eyes and reveled in the warmth that spread from her torso to her fingers and toes, a giggle escaping her lips as he removed her pants and kissed and nibbled up her legs.

  


Powerful need was overtaking him, his breath coming in short gasps as he tore the panties off her body to reveal her glistening womanhood. His eyes never leaving her, he threw off his remaining clothes, quickly positioning himself above her before thrusting his manhood deep inside her with a loud moan. The pure pleasure of feeling her wrapped around him, tight and wet, almost sent him over the edge. She cried out his name and arched her hips towards him, waves of pleasure rolling through her body as he pressed into her over and over again.

  


His pace was becoming progressively more rapid, and she dug her fingers into his fringe as she felt herself reaching her peak. "Please, I need more," she whispered, her grip tightening. He responded with a feral growl as he thrust himself into her hard and fast, passionate moans escaping her lips as her body was set alight when she reached her climax. He gripped the pillow beside her head, letting out a mix between a purr and a growl as his own body was woken with darts of pleasure, closing his eyes and sighing as he reveled in the convulsions that overtook him.

  


Needing a moment to regain his breath, he rolled beside her, attempting to keep his eyes open to fight off the overwhelming desire for sleep.

  
  


"Good to have you back on the ship, soldier." Lying on her side, she carelessly flung an arm over his chest and snuggled in close to her turian. He rested his mouth in her hair, inhaling the sweet fragrance that was radiating off of her.

  


He loved the way that she smelled after battle. There was something so raw and primal about the sweat and adrenaline that radiated off of her.

  


When her breathing had deepened and he believed her to be asleep, she muttered nigh inaudibly, “Be my Executive Officer.”

  


“You must be talking in your sleep because there’s no way you’re consciously asking me that question.”

  


“I’m completely awake and serious. Be the Normandy’s XO.”

  


“This is an Alliance ship, how can it have a turian XO?”

  


“Because half of the Alliance are numb nuts who couldn’t tell a ship’s port from its hull. You know the ins and outs of the Normandy better than anyone -- except perhaps Tali -- and Hackett’s already approved my request. So if you say no, I’m going to look foolish in front of him.”

  


“How? I’ve been on the ship for two hours.”

  


Her eyes were closed but she still raised her eyebrow. “I’m Commander Shepard, don’t doubt my ways.” Truthfully, he had approved a non-human Executive Officer instead of Garrus specifically, but she was too hell-bent on his approval of the offer to dive into semantics.

  


“In that case, do I really have a choice?”

  


“Nope.”

  


And with that, she promptly rolled over and fell asleep.

  


Although Garrus stayed awake briefly to run her offer over in his head, he eventually drifted into the most restful sleep since he was last aboard the Normandy.


	6. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been reading copious amounts of Stephen King lately, so his style inspired me in this chapter. The sections italicized in brackets represent those dark thoughts in the back of our minds that we try to pretend don't exist, but they're there, gnawing away.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Myxomatosis - Radiohead

  


"I swear, if I have to hear him sneer 'primitives' one more time, I'm throwing him straight out of the airlock."

  


"Shepard, he's been on the ship for an hour and he just woke up from being in stasis for fifty thousand years. I can hardly blame him for being a bit hostile."

  


She threw her chest guard on to the floor in her quarters. "I get that, it's just the 'primitives' thing that drives me nuts. Just because our ways are different than yours doesn't mean that they're wrong."

  


Garrus, who had changed into his civvies, kissed her forehead gently. "Why don't you set the table and pour some drinks and I'll run down to the mess and grab us some dinner."

  


"That would be lovely." She let out a sigh of relief when she plopped onto her couch to remove her heavy boots and briefly massage her feet.

  


"Save some for me to massage when I get back," he growled as he exited her quarters, prompting a giggle from Zoey.

  


When Garrus returned, balancing several plates in his long, steady arms, Shepard had set the table and set ambient music to play. He thought to himself that she looked so lovely with her hair carelessly pulled away from her face, her hoodie loose-fitting but revealing just the right amount of her perfect shape.

  


He took a seat across from her, passing her a bowl of soup and a plate of lasagna with bread. The dextro rations were limited to what Garrus brought on board with him, so he was prepared a dextro pasta dish and hard cheese.

  


"What's our plan from here?" he asked, taking his first bite.

  


"We're picking up Wrex and the salarian dalatrass for the summit tomorrow." She took a slow sip of the hot soup. "But I'm hoping to take a trip to the Citadel to grab more rations for you afterwards. The Alliance hadn't prepared the ship for dextros."

  


He nodded slowly, and they resumed their meal in comfortable silence.

  


"So, Garrus, my curiosity is killing me. What happened while I was in jail that ended up with you becoming an Expert Reaper Advisor?"

  


"Well, nothing as interesting as getting arrested and being let out just before a Reaper invasion."

  


"As my boyfriend, you have an obligation to tell me your stories, whether you deem them boring or not. Don't leave out any of the dirty details, either."

  


He rested his fork on his plate and wiped his mouth with his napkin. "Let's get more comfortable, then. It's a long story, and the dirty details we can add later."

  


"I like the sound of that!" Her plate and bowl completely empty, she jumped onto the couch. He poured them drinks -- wine for her, a clear but strong-smelling liquor for himself -- and sat next to her, lazily throwing his arm over her shoulder and pulling her in close.

  


"It all began on the Citadel." He took a long sip of his drink, savouring the warmth that spread to his fingertips in spite of the harsh after taste. "After we parted ways, I took the first shuttle to Palaven. Frankly I had no need to stick around the Citadel after my C-Sec days."

  


"Easy on the Citadel, if I recall correctly you met a certain human Spectre there who proceeded to change your life."

  


"I love being there with you, I hate being there alone." He kissed her forehead gently. "So I arrived at Palaven and surprised my mother and sister again at the house. My mother still didn't exactly remember me, but my sister was thrilled. I think she gets a little lonely just having my mother, especially since mom's condition makes her sleep so much."

  


"Where was your father?"

  


"I'll get to that, be patient. As you may recall, my mother was diagnosed with Corpalis Syndrome. It's a brain degenerative disease, early onset, which starts affecting your memories, then your motor functions, then your involuntary musculature. It greatly varies in the rapidity of degeneration. My mother was diagnosed about fifteen years ago when my father became concerned when she would consistently leave the stove on, or forget her keys, or forget how to get to a location they had visited on several occasions, the small things. She lived a normal but forgetful life for about twelve years after diagnosis, but things went downhill quickly after that. She forgot what things and places were called, and began to forget who people were. I would write to her daily from C-Sec, and she would never respond because she simply forgot that she had received a message. About four months before I met you, I had to make a trip home because her legs had just... stopped working, and she fell down the stairs. After that, Solana decided to stay home permanently and watch mom, and I ran away with a vagabond human and saved the galaxy."

  


( _More like you left her behind while you pursued bigger dreams. Unlike your selfless sister.)_

  


"I am not a vagabond."

  


"Spectre. Vagabond. Same thing.

  


"So when I reached home, my sister answered the door but no sign of my dad. I helped her out as much as I could with mom, and I called up our old friend Mordin to connect me with a couple of salarian scientists who specialized in Corpalis. It took about a month before we were able to get in to see them, and by then the prognosis wasn't good. They said there was nothing they could do because her degeneration was so rapid, and they gave her a month or two."

  


Shepard saw the shadow of grief cross his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Garrus."

  


He shrugged noncommittally. "I just had to spend what time with her that we had available. She slept mostly and didn't remember a thing when she was awake, but it was calming to sit beside her and hold her hand.

  


_(She woke abruptly and began screaming heinous profanities at me. Her words were distinguishable, but their meaning wasn't. All I knew was that at that moment she hated me, hated me more than anything in the galaxy, and I had no idea why. She screamed herself hoarse for ten minutes before collapsing back onto the bed into a restless sleep.)_

  


"When we received the diagnosis from the doctors, my sister decided to travel to the Citadel to find my father. I offered to go, but she knew he would never come back with me, not after everything that happened the last time we saw each other. I don't know how she did it, but when she came back, there he was.

  


_(You know exactly how she did it. She told him you were there, so he finally had to accept he was being a worse father than you were being a son.)_

  


"We fought almost the second he came in the door." He scoffed and finished his drink, and Shepard rose to pour him a refill. "My father and I have never seen eye to eye, but that day everything came to a head.

  


_(Came to a head in a fist fight that your mother heard where you broke his nose and the only reason you stopped was when she started crying, crying like she was hurt beyond belief, and we came to a temporary truce for her benefit.)_

  


"After that we accepted our fate of living together and worked hard to make my mother happy." He took a swig of the drink that Shepard placed in his hand, and when he continued his words began to slur. "We stayed in the house, one big happy family, until mom started having convulsions. Eyes rolled back into her head, shaking the whole bed, blood dripping from the corner of her mouth. You wouldn't believe it if you saw it. We ran her to the hospital and they put her into an induced coma, but we knew her time had come. She went peacefully in her sleep the next night."

  


While Garrus spoke, Shepard had remained silent with her mouth agape in disbelief. "Garrus, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine watching someone deteriorate like that."

  


He offered her a warm smile. "It's alright. We had many good memories together, and her spirit is always with me.

  


"When she was gone, and after the family grieved together, I knew it was my time to get to work. I began making connections and spreading word about the Reapers. Too many people thought I had taken too much Red Sand. I spoke to a lot of groups and sat in on a lot of meetings; most laughed at me, but when the Reapers hit I'm sure they felt like fools. But a few important people -- Generals Corinthus and Victus and my father -- listened. With their support, the Primarch gave resources to our cause and we began some basic preparations.

  


"Then the batarians were hit, and I knew that our time was short so I spoke to Corinthus about setting up a base on Menae. Gratefully he listened, and my father began to coordinate evacuations. I wouldn't say by any stretch that we were prepared when the Reapers hit, but I like to think that we helped save lives."

  


Shepard grabbed his cowl and pulled him in for a deep kiss. "You did save a lot of lives, Garrus. I always knew that you'd make a great leader, and you didn't let me down."

  


"Thank you." He finished another drink and stood to refill both of their glasses, swaying on the spot briefly.

  


"So, what's your story?" He asked when he returned to the couch beside her, pulling her onto his lap.

  


"Honestly Garrus, prison's not as interesting as the vids make it out to be." They laughed together. "I had my own room -- not a cell with bars, but they kept it locked from the outside when I was in there -- and I spent the vast majority of my time there. They took away my omni-tool and allowed no outside contact in case I attempted to organize some semblance of a 'resistance movement'." She used air quotes, a la Sparatus, to emphasize the statement. "For the first month or so they only let me out for supervised exercise two hours daily. Vega was always the one to accompany me, but he grew bored of just watching me jog and do push-ups all the time so eventually he put in a good word for me and they let me go to the shooting range. With blanks and virtual enemies set up by Vega, of course, but it still gave me good practicing time with the Mantis. Then Anderson came to get me and... Well, you know the rest."

  


"You must have gone stir crazy."

  


She shrugged. "You know me, I can't stay out of combat for that long. The only thing keeping me sane was the combat simulator, and the two dozen books I finished in the time."

  


"And your thoughts of a certain turian in the long, lonely nights?"

  


She giggled and rested her forehead against his. "Dreams of a certain very special turian were causing me trouble, because those thoughts are what almost made me break out of there."

  


He delicately ran a talon along her cheek. "It was a long six months."

  


"We do have a lot of time to make up for. Why don't we start with a shower and some time without these damn clothes?"

  


"Mmm, I think I like the sound of that. Why don't you start the shower, I'll be in there with you shortly." She stood and let out a soft 'ooh!' when he lightly smacked her bottom before she ran off into the bathroom.

  


Garrus let out a long sigh when he heard the shower start. He buried his face in his hands while the burden of reliving his painful memories caused his chest and throat to constrict, leaving him with only gasping breaths and agonized howls as a release.

  


When the waves of pain abated, he regained his usual demeanor and jumped into the shower with his love.


	7. Chapter Six

The Girl - City and Colour

Shepard and Garrus were curled up in bed, watching the news vids with distinctive frowns on both of their faces. Their worlds were burning, and their only hope to help was to broker peace between the krogan and the turian. A disconcerting amount of pressure rested on their success in collecting the female krogan from the salarians the next day, and the vids were a jarring reminder of the necessity of their task.

Tired of having to watch hordes of his people die while he relaxed in bed with his love, Garrus closed the vid. He felt Shepard's muscles relax as he did.

"I was just thinking," he began, searching to take her mind off of things, "you never really gave me a rundown of my new XO duties."

"Oh!" She sat up, brushing her hand quickly through her hair. "Well, you know the basics: you have the deck when I'm away, and in case anything happens to me you take control of the ship." They both had to pause and laugh at the absurdity of the statement. "But I'm also going to grant you unrestricted access to all areas of the ship, as well as all files that I have access to and my messages. I always keep on top of checking my messages, but in case I fall behind I'll need you to sort through the junk and give me information of the highest importance. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to occasionally make rounds like I do and check up on the crew members, see if there's anything they need."

She had an ulterior motive to her appointment of him as her XO; back when she was on the Shadow Broker's base with Liara searching through the dossiers, it had bothered her to no end to see the previous Shadow Broker's estimation that Garrus's leadership potential was being overshadowed by his loyalty to following her. She hoped that by making him her XO, she was presenting him with an opportunity to showcase his leadership qualities and give him a potential for a brighter future after the Reapers were gone.

"I'm here for anything you need me to do," he responded dutifully.

She kissed him quickly. "That's why I knew you'd be the best damn XO out there."

* * *

Garrus sat alone in the mess, a steaming cup of black coffee beside him. His carapace was cupped in his hand and his eyes were closed; he wavered between consciousness and sleep.

After his most recent sojourn onto Sur'Kesh with Liara and Shepard, the three of them as well as Mordin and Wrex had stayed up late into the night discussing the Reaper invasion and the state of the galaxy. Although the discussion had been serious, it was comforting being surrounded by his old friends.

Duty called, however, and Primarch Victus had requested his aid once they arrived onto the Citadel with refugee delegations. So, running off of three hours of sleep, he was attempting - and failing - to wake himself.

"Vakarian."

Garrus jumped out of his seat, his right hand flying to his forehead in a salute. "Yes, Primarch, sir."

"At ease," Victus growled, taking a seat across from him with his own dextro coffee in hand. "We were fighting together days ago, no need to go formal on me now. Besides, we're the only two turians on this zoo of a ship, we have to stick together."

"Commander Shepard has been known to recruit a rather rag tag group."

"That's an understatement. Never thought I'd be on an Alliance ship with two krogans, a salarian, an asari, a Prothean, and a mobile AI platform."

Garrus couldn't help but laugh. "Shepard has that funny way of bringing people together to fight for a good cause, regardless of where they come from."

"You seem very fond of the commander."

"She's the best commander I've fought under," Garrus said, his subvocals portraying his dedication. "She's an incredible fighter, she's compelling, she-"

Victus held a hand up to silence Garrus. "Don't be coy, Vakarian, you know what I mean."

Garrus's mouth snapped shut. "Well I... She... What makes you say that?"

Victus let out a hearty laugh. "I can read you like a book, son. You look at her like she's the only person in the galaxy, and she looks at you the same way. But there's no need to hide it: happiness is few and far between these days, we need to appreciate what we have regardless of our concerns about others' opinions."

"Just... Please, don't tell my father." Garrus hung his head low.

The Primarch cocked his head sympathetically. "I've known your father for many years, Garrus. He fought at my side during the First Contact War, so I know he isn't the fondest of humans. I also am aware that he can have irrationally high expectations of people, it's what made him such an excellent officer. I know he doesn't say it, but he's proud of you. If you brought home a human mate like Commander Shepard, he may be angry at first, but deep down he would just be happy to see you happy."

"Thank you," Garrus muttered hoarsely.

Victus's mandibles twitched into a warm smile. "I'll let you in on a secret, Garrus. I've been in your boots before: I loved a human woman once, long ago. So I know the way that human women work, and it can be damn confusing at times. Keep me in mind if you need help decrypting her motives."

"You had a human mate? That must be a hell of a story."

Victus stood to drop his mug in the sink. "When this is all over, I'll buy you a drink and tell you the story."

"Can't say no to that offer, Primarch."

Victus made his way to the elevator, but stopped just before he entered. "Please, call me Adrien."

* * *

"James, I'm thrilled you saved our commander's life, but did you really have to trash the Kodiak this badly?" Cortez had his hands on his hips as he studied the engine bay of the shuttle.

"Hey Esteban, if you were a better mechanic you wouldn't have to complain so much."

"You fix the leak in the drive core then!"

"If I could do that, I wouldn't be out there putting my neck on the line every day, would I?"

"Just because you're not smart enough to - Commander, glad you're here!" Cortez said with a snap salute as Shepard stepped off the elevator, quickly ending his banter with Vega.

"What's the issue with the Kodiak, Cortez?"

"It's a leak in the drive core, ma'am." Shepard could detect that her new shuttle pilot was still nervous near her. "It still runs, but it's using twice the amount of fuel while getting half the power."

She ducked her head into the engine bay, whistling tunelessly to herself. "Can you start it for me?" Cortez jumped into the cockpit and started the shuttle while she ran her hands over various hoses and wires. "Ok, that's good!"

Cortez jumped back out. "Find the problem, ma'am?"

"Oh yeah," she responded, digging into her tool bag. "It's not the drive core itself. One of the eezo injection ports is damaged and leaking. The manufacturer for those parts was based on Earth, however." She sighed, taking her time to prod around the engine while she considered a potential solution. "Do we have a tig welder?"

"Only mig, commander."

"That will have to do. Can you bring it to me?"

"Aye aye."

After Cortez brought her the necessary tools and a welding mask, Shepard worked in peace and quiet, hoping to finish before they reached the Citadel. She was exhausted, but with so many people needing her attention she had cut her sleep short.

Loud footfalls echoed through the cargo bay and she heard a gruff voice behind her. "Shep-arrrrrr-d."

"Wrex," she grumbled back, her head remaining in the engine bay. "Missed me already?"

"Wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

"You and the turian."

That piqued her interest. She turned to face him and lifted her mask, nodding at him to continue.

"So you two are a couple, eh?"

"What makes you say that?"

"I could smell it from a mile away. You two don't hide it very well."

She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Can't hide anything from a krogan."

"Well I'm happy for you, Shepard." He clapped her hard on the shoulder. "You may be crazy for liking a turian, but if you're going to pick any turian, Garrus is the best damn one I know."

Shepard couldn't help but laugh. "Thanks for the blessing, Wrex. Means a lot to me."

Wrex's omni-tool pinged. "Mordin needs me for more damn tests. See you around, Shep."

Zoey lowered her mask and continued to work with a faint smile on her face.

* * *

 

Shepard walked into her cabin and fell face first onto the bed, fully dressed. Garrus stood from the couch to sit beside her and massage her back.

"Long day?" he asked as she let out a long sigh of contentment.

"Well, let's see. I fixed the Kodiak, and I brought together the Blue Suns, Blood Pack, and Eclipse under Aria's leadership. I brought down a rogue hanar diplomat, recovered the Book of Plenix and... the Pillars of... Strength..." And with that, she let out a loud snore and fell promptly asleep.

Garrus couldn't help but laugh. He knew that she woke this morning at 0600 hours, and it was 2330 hours now and she was finally resting. He couldn't blame her for falling asleep. He gently lifted her head to take her hair out of its tight bun, turned off her omni-tool and forwarded any incoming messages to his own, set an alarm for 0700 hours, and began to remove her uncomfortable clothes before tucking her under her sheets with a swift kiss on her forehead.

He loved her more than anything in the galaxy.

He quietly left the cabin, checked in with Specialist Traynor (who found a distress call from Grissom Academy, which he requested to be plotted on the CIC), asked EDI to set course to the Krogan DMZ, and made the quick rounds to check on the crew.

When he made it back to Shepard's quarters, she was lying on her back with her arms and legs wide open, covering most of the bed while snoring. Wanting to leave her to rest, he threw a pillow and sheet onto the couch, turned off the lights, and slept. He awoke three times to incoming messages for Shepard, but deeming them unimportant, he left her to sleep peacefully through the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this idea for a fic that's been floating around in my head about the story of Victus meeting and falling in love with a human woman; it would be set post-First Contact War around 2165, and it would discuss overcoming human-turian prejudices. If you think that this would make for an interesting fic, please let me know to inspire me to write it!


	8. Intermission

It was late into the night on the Normandy. The few essential crew members for the night shift were groggily working, frequently rubbing their eyes with their fists and sipping at their coffee.

While Private Westmoreland flipped through a magazine, her jaw working hard to chew a heavy wad of gum; while Engineer Donnelly performed the 0300 check on the eezo core levels, his head pounding from the one-too-many drinks he just had with Engineer Adams; while Steve Cortez wiped sweat and dirt off his forehead with a cloth and began to put away his tools; Shepard and Vakarian were holed up in the main battery, planning a top secret mission.

"We always knew the cockpit would be the hardest," Shepard whispered, afraid to wake the sleeping Doctor Chakwas in the room adjacent to them.

"But that doesn't mean that we can't do it, we just need to find a way to get EDI out of there."

"EDI is going to be in there regardless of if we can get her body out."

"Well EDI has watched everything that we've done so far, this will be no different."

"The first thing she's going to do is tell Joker."

"And?"

"And Joker will proceed to tell the rest of the damn ship."

"She hasn't told him about what we've done in the rest of the areas of the ship."

"But you know how Joker is about the cockpit, it's his home."

"Well the cargo bay is James' and Cortez's home; the CIC is Traynor's home-"

Shepard interrupted his musings with a giggle. "The CIC was the best, with the galaxy map right behind us."

"But you know that the cockpit, right in Joker's fancy leather chair with the expanse of the galaxy behind us, will be even better."

"You're right. But we can't fool an AI. I just need to remind her who the boss is around here."

Garrus shrugged. "Alright, following your lead Commander."

He followed her through the ship, mesmerized by the swinging of her wide hips. She walked with the confidence only a high-ranking officer could hold; the ship was hers, and everyone knew it.

It made him want her even more.

"EDI!" she snapped curtly, yanking Garrus out of his lustful daze. "You stand relieved; I'm taking control of the helm."

The AI blinked reproachfully. "This is an unusual request, Commander."

Her fingers were laced together behind her back, and she pulled herself up to her imposing full height. "That was a command, EDI."

EDI's eyes narrowed, flickering between Shepard and Garrus, but she accepted. "Yes, Commander. If you require my services, I will be in the AI core calibrating my targeting systems."

The door slid shut behind them, and Shepard input a simple encryption code. "She's going straight to Joker," she mused.

"Let's be quick then," Garrus growled, grabbing her thighs to hoist her up onto his hips while brushing his mouth in nibbles down her neck.

A carefree laugh escaped Shepard when he sat in Joker's pilot seat and pulled her on top of him, his grip on her legs firm. She kissed him fiercely, running the tips of her fingers delicately through his fringe, so when he opened his mouth to accept her tongue a moan escaped his lips. His hands ran up her legs and under her shirt, pulling it over her head and providing him with a perfect view of her torso.

She threw his shirt over his head and kissed down his torso. "You're tasty," she muttered, her breaths hot and alarming on his hide and he threw his head back in pleasure. She began to work on the clasps holding his -

"Robot! I require your assistance with this 'extranet' as you call it." Shepard gasped and pulled her shirt up to cover her chest as the door swung open and Javik stepped in, his composure failing at the sight of the Commander and the XO's activities.

"Primitives!" he shouted, pointing an alarmed finger at them. "Foolish primitives, engaging in sexual activities in areas of the ship where they could be caught. FOOLISH!" He threw his arms up and stepped out, his angry mutterings heard even as the door slid behind him.

Zoey and Garrus doubled over in laughter, tears pouring out of their eyes as they gripped the chair to keep themselves from falling over.

When they had finally calmed, Garrus smacked her ass firmly with both hands. "Next time,  _I_ do the encryptions."

With that he grabbed her and threw her onto the floor before having his way with her, the stars twinkling in their peripherals.


	9. Chapter Seven

El Scorcho - Weezer

The door swung open with an unheralded ferocity and Shepard stumbled in, throwing her helmet to the ground. Frankly, she looked like hell. She was covered in sweat, dirt, and blood, and she emanated a tangy metallic smell. Dark bags were etched underneath her eyes, and her mouth was set into a hard frown punctuated by drawn lines at the corners of her mouth. Still fully dressed in her combat armour she collapsed on the couch face first, and it bounced comically beneath her weight.

"Tonight, on The Life of Commander Shepard," she began in a grandiose tone like an announcer, "We will watch her unveil a secret turian plot, save the krogan, and have the Primarch's son die under her watch!" She rolled her head to look up at Garrus, who had walked over to the couch from his seat on the bed, which was currently covered in data pads and varying pieces of equipment. "You didn't happen to know anything about the bomb that the turians had planted on Tuchanka, did you?"

"Can't say I did." He took a seat next to her and began to undo her armour. "But you'll need to give me descriptive video for this episode, my eyes are a little busy undressing you."

She snorted and rolled onto her side so he could remove her shoulder guard. "Well, before James, EDI and I landed, we found out that the bomb on Tuchanka was actually planted by the turians as a fail safe for the genophage. Tarquin took us to the bomb, but he ended up having to manually disarm it and died in the process."

"What did the Primarch say?"

"He was heartbroken, of course. Proud of his son for sacrificing himself to save so many krogan, but heartbroken."

Her armour removed, with a giggle from Shepard he lifted her and rested her on the bed, sitting at her feet so he could massage the weariness from them. "Tarquin died a noble death."

"Although he did, no parent should have to hold a memorial for their fallen children."

"Your parents had to do it once. I was there."

"And how were they doing on that day?"

He let out a humourless  _ha_. "Pretty terrible if I may say so myself."

"Exactly. Maybe you can check up on him tomorrow, while I'm investigating the rachni reports?"

"You don't want me on the ground with you?"

"You don't want another day off? You've been working ceaselessly since I picked you up."

He shrugged, switching to her other foot. "How can you sit back and do nothing at a time like this? Sure, there's always paperwork to do, rations and supplies to dole out, but I've only been off the ground for two days and I'm restless already."

A long, content sigh escaped her lips as he tended to her battle worn feet. "Just make sure to check on him tomorrow for me, he'll appreciate talking to someone he knows. Besides, you were with me last time we dealt with the rachni, you can say hello to the queen again."

"You think it's her?"

"What else would it be? It may be time for me to admit that I was in the wrong for letting her go."

He crawled beside her and pulled her onto his lap so he could rub her shoulders. "Don't be so sure this is directly related to your decision. We had an old saying in C-Sec: don't confess unless you're accused of the crime."

They lapsed into silence and she leaned back and he wrapped his arms around her in a quick hug, humming in contentment before he resumed his massage. Her mind still reeling with the events of the day, she requested, "Tell me a story."

"About?"

"The first time you broke the law."

He chuckled. "That's quite a story."

"I have time."

"Well, I always had that knack of getting into trouble with my parents for the usual crimes: having a dirty room, teasing my sister, receiving poor marks, having attitude, you know how it is. But the first time the law had to get involved was when I was seventeen and on shore leave for two weeks.

"My sister was freshly fifteen and going through a real rebellious phase. She would sneak out to drink, party, and meet up with boys, right underneath my parents' noses. But she kept her room clean, received top marks, and was accepted into the second best basic training regimen on Palaven so she was still their little angel.

"The second week of my shore leave my parents went away for the weekend and it was my job to keep an eye on Sol. So instead of going out, she brought her new boyfriend in, went upstairs, and played loud music.

"I was downstairs doing..." he scratched his head as his brow plates furrowed. "I honestly can't remember what I was doing. Either tinkering with something, or hacking something, or cleaning my pistol. Either way, I was downstairs when I heard Sol scream 'stop'. Not in the cute 'don't tickle me' way, but in the 'very afraid' way. So I dropped what I was doing and sprinted up the stairs, two at a time, my heart racing. Her door was locked, as expected, but when I heard her scream I just kicked it down.

"Her new boyfriend had his pants around his ankles and was straddling her and holding onto her wrists, her clothes in tatters. Blind rage took over, I threw him off of her and down the stairs. Keep in mind that I'm in the middle of my basic training and in peak physical condition. I remember him in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, keening as he tried to pull himself and his pride together. But I wasn't done yet - I threw him outside onto the lawn and began punching him. These weren't little girly punches, no, these hurt like a bitch and I kept doing it until the officers showed up. They pulled me off of him and he was out cold.

"Luckily, my sister convinced him not to press charges, but my parents had to come home early to bail me out. I've never seen my father as mad as he was that day."

"Well damn, Garrus. Guess we both had an inclination for violence from a young age."

"We both did?"

"I have a similar story."

"Let's hear it! Make me feel better for my youthful hotheadedness."

"When I was thirteen, we had a year where we were stationed on the Citadel. My parents both had desk jobs at the time so they enrolled me in a human school. There was a boy there - Hunter Steffi - who bullied me mercilessly. He was a fat, ugly menace who was too dumb to string a proper sentence together but still had the sense of self-entitlement like his shit smelled like roses. At the time I hadn't had my growth spurt yet, so I was an average height but very scrawny, and I always got picked on a bit for being unattractive. Every day Hunter would say horrible things to me, call me awful names, say I'm ugly, worthless, and stupid. He would threaten to beat up anyone who wanted to become my friend, so I was very alone and vulnerable at a tender age. He did awful things to my self-conscious at the time and just made me feel terrible about myself.

"Well, he crossed the line one day. We were outside of the school, he was doing his usual name-calling, and then he pushed me and I fell onto a rock and bruised my back. It had been almost a year of this damn kid torturing me ceaselessly and something just snapped inside of me. I jumped on him and it must have thrown him off balance because we crashed to the ground with me on top of him. I took a swing and cracked him right across the nose and broke it, I remember very clearly how bloody of an affair it was. He asked me to stop but I kept hitting him, over and over again, until a teacher finally came and interfered. This asshole was left with a broken nose, a split lip, and a black eye. He didn't receive any punishment for the bullying and I got kicked out of school for it. My parents had to apply for a change in posting but they didn't mind; quite the opposite, actually, my mom was so proud of me for standing up for myself."

Lost in her thoughts she succumbed to silence and Garrus squeezed her tightly. "He must have said some horrible things about you to warrant that sort of reaction."

"There are few things more fragile in this galaxy than the ego of the human teenage girl, and that boy destroyed mine over and over again. It was a big reason why I never really dated before I met you."

"Remind me to send a thank you message to Hunter," he joked, nuzzling his nose into her neck. "If it wasn't for him you could have ended up with someone else."

"Trust me, my love, even if I was with someone else I would have dumped him or her the moment I met you."

Garrus's brow plates rose higher than she had ever seen. "Or her?"

She shrugged nonchalantly. "I never completely discounted the possibility."

His plates suddenly ached with pressure as his mind filled with images of Shepard together with Tali... Shepard with Traynor... Shepard with Jack... Shepard with Miranda... Shepard with  _Liara_...

"If you were to... erm... choose one female mate... uh...from the Normandy..."

"If I were to choose one woman from the Normandy, who would it be?" He nodded vigorously in response. Shepard scratched her chin in thought, a wicked smile growing on her face as she realized the effect this discussion was having on Garrus. "Well I've always wondered what Tali would look like underneath that suit... But the melding process that Liara has described sounds  _so_ sexy..."

Garrus couldn't take it any longer. He climbed on top of her, ripped her clothes off, and took her with incredible ferocity and passion.

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus and Wrex took a seat across the table from each other, the electricity of competitiveness charging through the air.

"You may be able to out shoot me, turian, but you can't out arm wrestle a krogan."

Garrus raised a brow plate and rested his right elbow on the table, leaving his hand dangling in the air. "You could be right. Or you could be scared. There's only one way to find out." He wriggled his fingers temptingly, causing Wrex to let out a low growl.

"We need a judge. Mordin!" The salarian was typing at his terminal in the med bay, unaware of the turian and krogan in the mess. "Can't hear me through the wall." He stood up and roared, "MORDIN!"

Mordin shot Wrex a fierce glare before picking up a scalpel beside him, holding it up for Wrex to see, and pointing it at the krogan. Wrex immediately shivered uncomfortably and muttered, "Guess he doesn't want to be bothered."

"The scalpel brings back bad memories?"

"I have two words for you: my quad."

Garrus's mandibles flickered in discomfort at the thought before quickly changing the subject. "So are we going to arm wrestle or what?"

Wrex propped his arm up and grabbed Garrus's waiting hand. "Bring it."

"Three... two... one..."

Garrus grunted as Wrex brought a portion of his thousand-pound weight onto his arm, immediately giving the krogan the advantage. Although Garrus was much slighter at three hundred pounds, he still had the wiry strength of an active soldier: he began to push back until he was gaining the advantage, causing Wrex's eyes to widen in surprise before narrowing in determination. The krogan faintly glowed blue before employing the powers of his own strength and biotic abilities to smash Garrus's hand so hard against the table that it cracked.

"Come on, Wrex, using your biotics is just cheating."

Shepard had been in the middle of making her rounds to check up on the crew when she heard the commotion from the mess and had to go investigate.

"If that's the case," Wrex retorted, "Then you should take me on."

She threw her head back and let out an eerily humourless laugh. "Let's make a wager."

Wrex chucked deep in his throat. "I like the way you think. If I win, you give me your M-27 Scimitar."

"Deal, I don't even like shotguns, too unrefined. If I win, you buy me a Black Widow when we land on the Citadel to drop off Grunt, and when you go to buy it, you have to wear a sign that says 'I was beaten at arm wrestling by Commander Shepard'."

"A Black Widow for a Scimitar? You call that a fair exchange?"

"Well you seem so confident that you'll win it shouldn't be a problem."

"Make it an M-11 Wraith and you have yourself a deal."

A wide-eyed Garrus stood so that Shepard could take his seat in front of Wrex. The Wraith and the Black Widow were among the best weapons manufactured, and both retailed at 250k credits. The fact that they were both willing to shell out that much money in what equated to an ego match told him that Shepard had to make many more credits than he originally anticipated.

Shepard gripped the krogan's hand, squeezing as tightly as she could muster until she saw a shadow of discomfort cross his face. He squeezed back, letting out a guttural growl, but Shepard never let the pain touch her eyes. If your opponent can ever read your expression, it's a distinct advantage to them.

Garrus became the de facto judge, grabbing their interlocked hands in his own and counting down. As soon as he let go, Shepard didn't even give Wrex a chance: a blue glow lit up the room and she cried out as she pushed with all her might on her right hand, sending both her and Wrex's arm through the wooden table as splinters flew through the air before quietly cascading over the table and floor.

Wrex stood and roared, smashing against the table with his fists to break it even further. "She was cheating, I demand a rematch!"

"Is this noise level necessary?" Mordin shouted from the med bay, shaking his head as he stared at his terminal.

"Request denied," Garrus responded curtly. "Shepard played by the rules."

Wrex threw his arms up and stomped out of the room to a chorus of laughter from Shepard and Garrus. "See you on the Citadel, Wrex!"


	10. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two has been a little slow until this point, but prepare for a lot of action from hereon in. Thank you again for reading, I hope you enjoy and I'll see you again on Monday!

Earth to Bella - Incubus

"Alright Shepard, you won and I'm buying you your damn gun. Do we  _really_ need to do this?"

"Are you a man of your word?"

"Of course."

"Then damn straight you have to do it. That was our bet. Now get out there and wear your loss with pride."

Wrex grumbled, "You're lucky you're curing the genophage for us, Shepard, or I would have killed you a long time ago."

The normally proud krogan stepped out of the elevator, a sign attached to his armour that read in over sized letters: 'I was beaten at arm wrestling by Commander Shepard'. He had expected that he would quickly walk with her to the Spectre office, buy her the Black Widow, and exit with his tail between his legs. Shepard, however, had other plans: she had asked most of the crew to be waiting outside the elevator when Wrex stepped out, and they were currently all laughing at him.

"SHEPARD!" he roared, jogging away to wait by the office while Shepard doubled up in laughter on the elevator. "I'll get you back for this!"

 

* * *

 

 

"Wasn't the look on Wrex's face priceless?" Shepard asked as she laid the Black Widow on the table.

"It's permanently ingrained in my memory," Garrus said, running his talons along the beautiful lines of the rifle. "But damn I'm glad you won, just because it means I get to hold one of these. Ever since the Alliance announced them as an alternative to the Widow they've given me wet dreams." He picked it up, analyzing its weight and balance, and gazed down the scope, letting out a longing sigh.

"What if I told you that it was for you?"

The eye not gazing down the scope turned to gaze at her skeptically. "Then I'd tell you to lay off the red sand, no one just gives one of these away."

"I do, to the man I love more than anything."

"Stop messing with me, Shepard."

"I'm serious."

He slowly lowered the rifle to analyze her face, waiting for her to start laughing and tell him to stop being ridiculous because there is no way in hell she'd give away a Black Widow.

But she didn't laugh; she just continued to stare at him with the corners of her lips turned up slightly.

"You're serious?" he asked.

"I swear on my Mantis that I want you to have that Black Widow. We both know that you have a better shot than I do anyways, so you'll do more good with it in the field than I ever would."

His gaze fell to the rifle in his hands, his eyes and mouth wide with disbelief. "Is this an elaborate ruse, or a dream, or-"

She punched him hard in the arm. "Stop it, Garrus, just accept my gift."

"This is unbelievably kind of you."

"Consider it a thanks for your following me around, regardless of the insanity of our missions. And a thanks for being an incredible and supportive boyfriend."

He placed the rifle on the table as tenderly as if it was made of glass and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. His voice was gruff with emotion when he said, "I'm the luckiest man in the galaxy."

"For the rifle or for me?"

"Both."

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard sighed, her eyes darting between James and Garrus. "We know what we have to do. We have to hit those maw hammers, and we're going to have a Reaper in the way."

"Wouldn't it be nice to have a teddy bear or some cookies in the way?" James asked.

"It's never that simple when Shepard is your commander," Garrus commented.

Shepard turned to face the Reaper in question, her expression morose. "I can't make you two do this. I'm going in alone. That bastard can knock me down but he can't keep me there."

"Are you joking, Shepard?" Garrus countered, loading his Black Widow. "We're going to be right down there with you whether you like it or not."

She whipped around to face him. "Why? Why put yourselves in danger?"

James piped in, "Because when the hell else will we see a giant Thresher Maw take out a Reaper?"

"Well, I was going to say because that's what a good boyfriend does, but that's also a perfectly valid reason."

"Ok, fine, go where you want to. But when your ass is part of a thresher maw's lunch, don't say I didn't warn you."

"Aye aye," James responded, jogging with Shepard and Garrus towards the strangest situation he would ever be in.

To say that Shepard was stressed would be an understatement. The salarian dalatrass's offer weighed heavily on her mind; her silence at Eve's inquiries weighed even heavier.

On one hand, could she allow the krogans to run rampant across the galaxy and reignite the rebellions? On the other, could she lie to those who placed the fate of their entire species on her shoulders?

The most important fact remained: she had to do what would be best for humanity, and for the entire galaxy.

She used all of her agility to avoid the arms of the Reaper as she danced closer to the hammers, her eyes constantly darting between her ground crew. The sight of the Reaper directly above her was incredibly daunting, but all three of them saved face. "Brutes incoming!" James shouted.

"Switch to your short range weapons!" she shouted, putting her Mantis in its shoulder holster while equipping her Tempest.

The first pair of brutes rounded the corner, and she immediately used warp and peppered at its shield with her SMG. She directed James to use Carnage and Garrus to use Concussive Shot, and while it was staggered both she and James threw in grenades. Both hit the massive target which keeled over.

It wasn't over yet; the second brute was weakened but still alive and two more were rounding the corner. Garrus used overload on the second brute and Zoey hit him with a series of head shots, the ground rumbling when its hulking mass fell. The three darted across the field to avoid both the other two brutes and the arms of the Reaper, picking away at them until they both fell.

"To the hammers, go, go!" She sprinted with all of her power to the first hammer, spun on her heel, and sprinted again to the second hammer. There was a brief respite of relief at her success.

"James, Garrus, go back to the shuttles, I'm going on to the shroud."

James nodded curtly and obeyed, but Garrus paused. "Sure you don't want me there, Shepard?"

"I have this, Garrus. Take care of James. Now go, I'll get Mordin and meet you on the shuttle." He nodded in affirmation and jogged in the direction of James.

_Do what you have to, Shepard. For the galaxy._

 

* * *

 

 

"You knew, Shepard. You knew of the sabotage but you did nothing."

Shepard was trembling. Mordin was right, but his words still stung. "Listen to me, Mordin. I'll never be able to gain the salarian support by curing the genophage, and the dalatrass is right! I've fought dozens, maybe hundreds, of krogan in my lifetime and I know just how dangerous they can be. Be reasonable, Mordin."

He whipped around to face her. "You be reasonable, Shepard! Krogan  _deserve_  a second chance. Can't take that away from them."

"You re-engineered the genophage knowing that it's necessary!"

He pointed at her with a trembling hand. "I was wrong!"

The human and the salarian stared each other down, neither wanting to back down but both knowing that time was running short.

"I'm doing this, Shepard. With or without you."

Determination and fear were in his eyes as he looked up at the deteriorating Shroud. Seeing his bravery, her resolve weakened.

_Stop him._

The voice roared into her head, unbidden and strong-willed. She didn't know whether it was the part of her desperate for galactic peace, or a part of her that knew she had to focus on the needs of the many over the needs of the few; but she knew she had to obey it.

Her arm shaking violently, she raised her pistol and aimed at her friend. "Don't do this, Mordin."

He ignored her protests and walked towards the elevator, determined to do what was right.

"Don't do this!"

_STOP HIM._

A familiar  _crack_  resonated as Shepard's pistol fired and Mordin crumbled, gripping his stomach. He crawled the last few feet to the elevator and turned to face Shepard before it ascended. His eyes were filled with sadness; not for himself, but for Shepard.

She turned and ran from the Shroud, her body racked with dry sobs.


	11. Chapter Nine

Two Against One - Danger Mouse and Danielle Luppi feat. Jack White

"What do you call it when a turian gets killed by a horrible spiky monster?"

"Friendly fire. Come on, that one goes back to Shan-Xi."

Shepard was quietly listening to Joker and Garrus razz each other with a knowing smile on her face. They acted tough around each other, but their friendship was solid.

Things had been nothing but difficult since the Shroud. Having to outright lie to Wrex and Eve and provide them with false hope, with the only reward being the salarian dalatrass's smug expression knowing that her plan had succeeded, had been agonizing.

Although she wasn't in a hurry to spread word of what she did, Garrus needed to know. She needed his support, his reminder that she did it for the good of the galaxy, his rumbling subvocals banishing her concerns.

Garrus exited the cockpit and his mandibles twitched into a smile at the sight of her. "Hey there," he grumbled in his most loving voice. "Things got a bit rough back there. How are you holding up?"

Her gaze fell to the floor and she heard a click as the door shut behind Garrus. "I'm alright. Ship's going to be quiet without Mordin and Wrex, though."

He reached for her hand and squeezed it lovingly. "I'm sorry to hear about Mordin. I know he meant a lot to you."

He watched her gaze fall from his face to the floor, her expression morose. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper. "Can we talk about it upstairs?"

"Of course," he responded, his subvocals filled with compassion. She regained both her composure and the hardened expression of a commander who had been through more than anyone.

When they reached her quarters, she started shaking off her armour as quickly as if it was on fire. "The salarian dalatrass made me an offer before we went ground side," she began while removing her shoulder guards. "It allowed the salarians to sabotage the genophage without the knowledge of the krogans. Her offer was the only way I could get support from the salarians as well as the turians and krogan."

"It's a tempting offer," Garrus conceded while gingerly removing his chest guard.

Shepard stopped, now wearing only her thigh guards and boots. "I know. That's why I took it."

"Damn war," he growled. The pair was silent as they removed the rest of their gear until they were stripped to their underarmour. When a realization hit Garrus and he spoke, he concentrated to keep his subvocals from trembling. "Did Mordin know?"

Shepard sat down on the bed, gazing at her hands. Her brow was set in a deep furrow, and the corners of her mouth were turned down. "Yes. He was going to release the cure for the genophage regardless of what I said. I had to gun him down."

Uncomfortable silence filled the room. Garrus was shocked: the Zoey Shepard he knew, the one that he would follow to the end of the galaxy and the one that he fell in love with, would never gun down a friend. Regardless of the cost. "That was a tough call," he muttered, reading the distress on her face.

"There was a part of me that kept reminding me that I have to do what's best for the galaxy. This was the only way to unite everyone against the Reapers."

Garrus kneeled on the floor in front of Shepard so he could meet her eyes. Although he wanted to pacify her, tell her that everything would be alright, he also wanted to be honest. "Decisions that we have to make on the spot are never easy, but I want to make sure that you don't let this haunt you."

"What do you mean? Do you think I made the wrong decision?"

"I think you made the right decision as a commander. But did you make the right decision as Zoey?"

Her tone fluctuated angrily. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"For a moment, Zoey, let's say that I'm just your boyfriend, not a soldier. When I met you years ago on the SR-1, you told me many times that your focus is on saving as many lives as possible. I just want to make sure the pressures as a commander aren't forcing you to make decisions you'll regret."

_Insubordination._ That voice in her head that had guided her to gunning down Mordin was speaking to her again.  _He's being insubordinate. Don't take that. You're a fucking commander._

She couldn't deny that the voice was right.

She stood up quickly, towering over him. "I am your commander, Garrus. Don't question my decisions."

The malice dripping in her voice was terrifying, and Garrus's knees felt weak when he stood. "I'm trying to help you." He kept his voice steady and calm. "You mean so much to mean and I worry about you. I know those nightmares that keep you up every night. I worry now that you'll have nightmares of Mordin, too."

_He doubts you._  That voice again.  _He doubts you as a commander._

"Enough!" she shouted. "Mordin had to die; I did it for the good of humanity and the galaxy.  _You_  were the one who reminded me that I have to think of the needs of the many over the needs of the few! And now, you question my decisions. My way has gotten us this far, and it's going to get us to win that war."

"This isn't your way!"

Her lip curled into a ferocious scowl. "I've had enough of this. Get out."

His heart fell to the deepest pits of his stomach. "Shepard, Zoey, I'm sorry, I-"

"GET OUT!"

His entire body trembled violently as he picked up each piece of his armour, his eyes sticking to hers. He had never seen her expression so cold, and it scared him.

_I love you, Zoey Shepard._

_I love you, Garrus Vakarian._

Was that really just weeks ago? "Zoey-"

She opened the door for him and he stepped out without further argument. She slammed the door behind him and immediately screamed at the room at the top of her lungs. She took a swing at the nearest object she could find: the fish tank. The glass shattered with a loud crack, sending water and shards of glass careening over the floor and soaking her from head to toe while she screamed over and over.

Garrus slumped against the wall in the elevator, covering his ears with his hands while he tried and failed to drown out her cries.


	12. Chapter Ten

I'm Alright - Stereophonics

" _Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness._

_Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand-_

_Kalahira, wash the sins from this one,_

_and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit."_

Thane's prayer, thin with weariness, was punctuated by a gut-wrenching cough. Shepard's eyes lifted from her dying friend to his lover, who had tucked herself into a corner wearing an inscrutable expression.

"Father, shall I continue?" Kolyat asked, his voice heavy with grief. The movement so weak it was barely visible, Thane nodded.

" _Kalahira, this one's heart is pure,_

_but beset by wickedness and contention._

_Guide him to where all hunters return,_

_where all storms become still, where all stars show the path._

_Guide him, Kalahira,_

_and he will be a companion to you as he was a father to me."_

From the corner of her eye, Shepard could see Kasumi mouthing the words of the prayer in time with Kolyat. Zoey felt a rush of affection for the woman, who portrayed an indomitable will in these moments. "Shall we give them some time?" she asked Shepard in a low voice, nodding in the direction of the father and son. She acquiesced with a nod and Kasumi grabbed Thane's hand, giving his forehead a long kiss before she followed Shepard out.

As soon as they were out of earshot of his hospital bed, Shepard asked, "How are you, Kasumi? Really?"

She paused to contemplate her answer. "When you learn someone that you love is sick, a part of your heart lets them go. You make sure that you give them the best damn end to their life that you can, though. We had an unforgettable eight months together, but his illness has always hung over us like a dark cloud. You can't forget the inevitable. When it's a disease as agonizing as Kepral's, it's almost a relief when they pass, because it means they won't suffer any longer."

Shepard nodded slowly. She understood. She had lost elderly and ailing family members before; any loss is difficult to bear, but those to an untreatable illness are like a dull ache you carry during the sickness, while those lost in battle leave a sharp, stabbing pain from the unexpected.

"How are  _you_ , Shepard? Really?"

"Death is never easy. But sometimes life is even harder."

Kasumi punched her playfully in the shoulder. "Don't be such a downer!"

"Look at you," she said with her mouth gaping, "I haven't even seen you shed a tear!"

"I love you, Shep, but you take everything so damn seriously sometimes." Shepard looked down to shoot her a narrowed-eyed glare. "Listen. Life's this beautiful, short, fleeting thing. You never know what's going to happen to you next year, next month, tomorrow, even today. If you let yourself get caught up in your misery, you're letting the few moments of happiness that you could have slip between your fingers. I know that, and Thane knows that, and the very last thing that he would want is to have me be this miserable widow just because he's passed on. I love him because he gives me so much freedom to be myself and be happy, even when he's gone. Besides, we'll be together again, one day, in that paradise in the sky. Regardless of our different gods and beliefs, we'll find each other. We found each other in a place as strange as here, who says we can't find each other again?"

Although Shepard wanted to give Kasumi a dose of reality - remind her that she would never be able to hear Thane's laugh, see his smile, feel his skin - she remembered that this wasn't the first time she'd lost a lover. The thought made her close her mouth and nod slowly at her while her respect grew.

"Listen," Kasumi continued, "I've gotta go say goodbye. But keep in mind what I said, alright?" She kissed Shepard quickly on the cheek before activating her cloak and jogging back.

"Good luck," Shepard muttered, but she wasn't sure if Kasumi heard her.

 

* * *

 

 

"Alright everyone. We have a new team member on the Normandy, so I'd like to take a moment to introduce Ashley Williams. A few of you may know her from the SR-1, and those of you who do will know that she's an extremely valuable asset to the team. If you haven't met her, be sure to say hello, and be prepared to hear her quote Frost."

Ashley laughed lightly before saluting dutifully, a contented smile on her face. Shepard was unnerved that she could maintain such a facade of calm after they were staring down the barrels of each others' guns only hours prior.

_"Ash, don't do this."_

_Although Ashley's gun was trembling as she pointed it at Shepard, Zoey's hand was unerringly steady._

_"How can I know that I can trust you, Shepard?"_

_"Udina's a traitor. Can't you see that?"_

_"Don't listen to her!" Udina shouted from behind Ashley. "She's working for Cerberus!"_

_"And you aren't?" Shepard snapped at Udina before turning back to Ashley. "Listen Ash. I know you can't trust Cerberus, but you can trust me."_

_"Can I?"_

_Shepard lowered her weapon; she wasn't foolish enough to holster it, but she was smart enough to know that even if Ashley shot her it would accomplish nothing._

_Yet that tiny voice, reserved for the smallest, darkest part of her conscience, whispered_ "Shoot her".

But Ashley had acquiesced and lowered her weapon, and when Udina had attempted to make a move against Councilor Tevos, Shepard pulled her pistol out with blinding speed and shot the conniving bastard down.

What Shepard couldn't drive out of her mind was the voice.

Was it a rogue part of her conscience? A small portion of her morality that had gone over to the dark side?

It was the same part of her mind that had spoken to her before she had shot down Mordin. Her decision then held reason, but this? There was no reasoning behind this.

What was going on in her head?

 

* * *

 

 

James observed from the back as the crew were gathered in the war room listening to Shepard debrief them on the Cerberus coup at the Citadel.

Shepard looked  _pissed_. Her hands were gripping the table and her knuckles were white, her brow set in a deep furrow with a dark shadow across her eyes.

"We're heading to the flotilla next to meet with the quarian admirals. You all have jobs people, let's do them!"

She briskly walked out of the war room, shooting Garrus a dirty look on her way out the door.

"Whoa," James muttered into his ear. "Did you piss in her cereal this morning or something?"

Garrus threw his head back in confusion. "Pissing in cereal? Is that something humans do? That's disgusting."

James let out a rumbling laugh. "Just a saying, amigo. Means that you made her mad. The good commander doesn't hide her anger well." The bulky marine chuckled. "Want some advice?"

Garrus sighed, but didn't respond.

"Chicks  _love_  when you apologize. Doesn't matter if you were wrong or right, doesn't matter if she's wrong or right, she just wants to hear you say sorry. Don't know exactly what it is, but I think chicks get off knowing that they're right and you're wrong, and that's enough to make them forgive you." Garrus remained silent in contemplation. "Hey Scars, let's go down to the training area and do some sims. Looks like we won't be shooting anything real for a while."

"Why do you say that?" Garrus asked, following Vega out of the war room. "You have a great shot, Shepard knows that."

"I know I do, but Shepard prefers biotics and finesse over brute strength. She'd rather incapacitate them or throw them off a cliff than fight them head on." The corners of his mouth turned down. "That's what makes her so scary, actually."

Garrus couldn't help but laugh at that. "You haven't fought with her as long as I have, you haven't seen scary."

 

* * *

 

 

_Primarch Victus,_

_I know that you have only been off of the Normandy for a few days, but I would appreciate some of your advice in regards to human women._

_If, theoretically, I have upset a woman regardless of my good intentions, how do I get back into her good graces? She appears to be holding a grudge against me for expressing my concerns over her. Although it is too difficult to attempt to understand, reparations are required on my part._

_Please advise._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Garrus Vakarian._

He rested his hand over his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh before hitting send.

He couldn't believe he just asked the Primarch of Palaven for dating advice. But human women were proving to be like a safe filled with secrets that he was unable to decrypt.

"Hey, Garrus!"

"Ashley!" Garrus's mandibles flew into a wide smile at the presence of his old squad mate in the mess with him. "Damn good to have you back on the ship."

"Damn good to be here," she responded with a cocky smile. "Looking forward to being back on the ground with you, so we can see what three years has done to your sniping against mine."

Garrus threw his head back in laughter. "You're talking to Archangel. You really think I would have gone soft over all this time? You're going down."

She raised her brow in response. "Oh, it's on, bird dinosaur. Don't think I'll go soft on you just because you're the commander's man now."

"I'd be disappointed if you did."

"How's dating a human going, anyways?" she asked, while taking a bite out of a monstrous pile of mashed potatoes. "Are we as squishy as you always thought?"

"Not as squishy as I expected, but much more...  _complicated_  than I anticipated."

She downed her glass of water in a few impressive gulps. "We're actually pretty easy. Compliment us and tell us how much you care, let us know out of the blue that you're thinking of us-"

"Hold on, I need to take notes." He pulled out his omni-tool before gesturing for her to continue.

"Anyways. With a woman like Shepard, you have to appeal to her talents, whether it is her great shot or her way with machines. Act a little competitive, she loves that. Let your protective instincts come out sometimes. But the absolute most important thing? Listen. She has a lot that she wants to say, so when she says it, look into her eyes and absorb every word like it's going to change your life. That's the building block for everything else."

Garrus stood quickly. "Thank you, Ashley. That means more to me than you could know. Next time we're on the Citadel, drinks are on me."

"Only if you beat me in a shooting contest at the Spectre shooting range."

"You're on."

Neither Garrus nor Ashley knew that James had been hiding behind the elevator for the duration of their conversation, just listening to the sweet intonations of Ashley's voice.

 

* * *

 

 

As Shepard crossed the tunnel to the geth ship, her heavy grav boots weighing down every step and the might of the stars menacingly wide open above her head, she focused her thoughts on Garrus to keep herself from becoming crippled with fear.

Who did he think that he was, turning on her like that? He had followed her every command without question for months, and now after one of the most vital and difficult decisions of her career he had to throw her under the bus? It was crap, that's what it was!

He had no idea what it was like, living with your decisions as a commander. Did he not think that the ghosts of Jenkins, Kaidan, Jack, Legion, Jacob, and Mordin haunted her every moment? It was hard enough having to live with her being hard on herself, never mind him being hard on her.

She clenched her fists in frustration. It was undeniable that the war had been hard on everyone. It had taken her six months in prison to accept that sacrifices would have to be made for the greater good, and it was about damn time that Garrus realized the same thing. They had met as optimistic go-getters changing the world one bad guy at a time. But with an enemy as thorough and ruthless as the Reapers, you had to make whatever decisions were necessary to stop them, regardless of the cost.

"Shepard? Earth to Shepard, I'm holding a new pistol in front of you."

Zoey jumped when she realized that Tali and Javik were watching her expectantly, so lost in her thoughts that her actions had gone into autopilot. She thanked Tali while taking the Arc Pistol from her, equipped it, and moved forward.

Happiness at spotting enemies was a strange response, but the focus required to take down the geth was a welcome distraction from thoughts of the open stars and her relationship frustrations. Tali's sabotage was incredibly useful: Shepard had her use it constantly, and they watched as they geth quickly turned on each other and took themselves down. She threw a group of geth troopers in the air with singularity before Javik shot a round with his Scorpion into the fray. There was a pause before a series of small explosions, sending bits and pieces of the geth flying. When the smoke cleared, all the hostiles were eliminated.

"Clear, and I didn't even get to use my new pistol."

"I'm sure there will be more," Tali responded.

"You find this primitive weaponry to be impressive?" Javik scoffed.

"Let's just move out," she said with a roll of her eyes. Fighting with Javik reminded her that she missed having Garrus at her six.

 

* * *

 

 

_Garrus,_

_Hope things are going well on the Normandy without me._

_I don't have much time, but let me give you a quick piece of advice._

_Communicate. Ask her how she's feeling, and listen to her when she answers. You have to talk about everything in human relationships, but be conscious about when you bring up your own issues because if you do it when she's emotional already you're in for a verbal lashing. Especially with a woman who has as much fire in her as Shepard._

_Be patient, be prepared for days when you're the bad guy, and apologize. Everything else will fall into place._

_Best regards,_

_Victus._

_P.S. If all else fails, buy chocolate. Unless she's losing weight, in which case, for Spirit's sakes, get her either flowers or jewelry._

_P.P.S. On that note, don't buy her a ring unless you want to get married. Look it up on the extranet, DON'T ask any of your female human crew members or they begin to make strange squealing noises._

 

* * *

 

 

"Did... did you just punch a quarian Admiral?"

Shepard shook her hand to clear the stinging sensation. "I think I did," she whispered to Tali, "And it felt good."

"He deserved it," she grumbled in response.

Specialist Traynor's voice rang over the intercom. "Commander, urgent message at your terminal."

"We'll talk later, Tali," Shepard shouted over her shoulder as she jogged to the door.

Shepard reached the CIC, flashed Traynor a wave, and addressed the light flashing at her terminal.

_Zo-zo,_

_I need you to meet me on the Citadel as soon as humanely possible. I'll be at Apartment F in the Presidium._

_Please hurry._

_Love,_

_Dad._

Her grip on the table increased as she read the message until her biotics bent the metal beneath her fingers. Several red flags had gone up in the brief message: her father hadn't called her Zo-zo since her age was in the single digits, her mother had always been the parent to write to her, and her father hated the Citadel.

Something was wrong, very wrong. She jogged briskly to the cockpit, attempting to keep her mind from clouding with concern.

"Joker, I need a rush course to the Citadel."

He spun his chair to face her. "You sure, Commander? We were just there, and it'll take us at least ten hours to get -"

"Just get us there, Joker. No questions."

Her lips pursed into a tight line, she left the cock pit with her mind on the bottle of white wine in her fridge.


	13. Chapter Eleven

Right in Two - Tool

Shepard was furiously cleaning her armour, reaching into each crevice with a soft cloth until it was sparkling clean. When she was interrupted by the buzz of her door, she grumbled and threw the cloth and solution on the table.

"Shepard?"

That was a bit of a surprise. "Liara?"

"Can I come in?"

She ran her fingers through her hair and let out a huff. A little company could help her concerns dissipate. "Yeah, alright."

The door slid open and her asari friend floated in, her flattering dress clinging to her curves. It always came as a surprise to Shepard that the woman who exuded both grace and strength had never settled with a lover.

"Is this a good time?" She was holding a datapad and looked eager.

"As good as any."

Zoey took a seat on her couch and Liara followed suit. "How are you, Shepard? Really."

She ran her fingers through her hair again before pulling it up to remove the temptation of playing with it. "Honestly?" She snorted. "I'm sitting here angrily cleaning my armour, entirely frustrated at the universe and all the Gods for putting us in a place where a sentient race exists that has deemed it necessary to so utterly destroy us."

"...And?"

Damn Liara and her ability to read Shepard like a book. "And I'm realizing I may have been wrong for getting so upset with Garrus."

"Why do you say that?"

"I have limited relationship experience, and a great amount of commanding experience. So when the two intersect, I let the commanding officer portion of myself win."

"Our relationships with others can force us to become introspective. However, I did visit you today for a particular reason today." Getting right to the point, she typed briefly on the data pad. "After Udina's death, I was able to tap into some previously restricted resources. Phone logs, message logs, that sort of thing. I found something that may interest you."

Shepard raised her brow at Liara. "Go on."

"We can safely assume from the coup that Udina had connections to Cerberus. I discovered that these connections are long-standing. I found message logs between Udina and The Illusive Man that run back to 2183."

"Before the Battle of the Citadel?"

"Yes, Shepard. But there's more. Do you remember, back on the SR-1, you were assigned a mission from Udina to track down Cerberus research?"

Now Shepard's brow had set into a furrow. "I remember the mission, but the details are a bit fuzzy."

"I wasn't on the ground, but the mission report stated that you had infiltrated the base, took out the Cerberus hostiles, and retrieved data for Udina which he paid you for."

"Ok, that rings a bell. Go on."

"In the message logs I found, that mission had come up. It sounds like the Alliance caught word of the research and wanted to get their hands on it, so Udina offered to oversee the mission personally. The Illusive Man paid Udina to have you retrieve it and give it to him so that he could give it back to The Illusive Man."

"What was the research?"

A sad smile crossed the asari's face. "This is where it becomes strange. Everything was very classified, but I managed to find the name of the research: Pluvia."

Shepard's heart skipped a beat. "That was the name that The Illusive Man gave to the project heading my regenerative cells!"

"Exactly, Shepard! We can't jump to any conclusions, but we can make an educated guess that Cerberus-"

"-Has been planning this the whole damn time!" She covered her mouth with her hand. A realization suddenly hit her like a charging krogan warload. "Liara," she muttered, "do you think Cerberus  _planned_  for me to die?"

"If they did, Shepard, that would imply that they've been working with the Collectors the whole time."

"You and I both know that if they've been working with the Collectors, they've been working with the Reapers." She leaned back into the couch, covering her hand with her mouth. "This is huge, Liara. Great work."

"Thank you, Shepard."

"If Cerberus has been working for the Reapers since the days of Saren..." She let out a humourless laugh. "Then in a twisted way, wasn't I working for the Reapers?"

"You were never truly working for Cerberus. They were a tool used for resources to take down the Collectors."

She rubbed her forehead in frustration, her gaze focused at a far off point. "It would explain why The Illusive Man continued to put us in situations where we were vulnerable to the Collectors. And why he wanted to data from the Collector base so badly." She began to chew a fingernail, a horrible habit she had denounced years ago but which came up on occasions of deep thought. "Really, aren't the Collectors just a pawn of the Reapers? They wouldn't care if I took out the Collectors; it was something to keep me busy while they amassed their forces in dark space, with the additional benefit of the beginning of the harvest of humanity." Chew, chew, chew. She imagined if her mother was present she would smack her hand away from her mouth. "But if The Illusive Man is working  _with_  the Reapers, why would his sole intention be to take the Collectors down? It makes more sense to assume that he's working  _for_ the Reapers."

Liara was leaning forward with her hands across her lap, enthralled in Shepard's musings. "You think he is indoctrinated?"

Her gaze flickered to Liara. "Makes sense, doesn't it? The Reapers like to get people on their side without them knowing it, just look at Saren. Fuck, maybe Saren and The Illusive Man are old pals! They can make you do  _exactly_  what they want... you... to..." She trailed off, her body suddenly feeling entirely numb.

She heard Liara's voice, but it sounded like it was coming from the other end of a tunnel. "Shepard? Are you alright?"

Her throat was dry, drier than a desert, and she had to force down the bile that was rising in her throat. Liara was speaking, but her mind was so focused she couldn't hear a word she said. "I'm ok, just a lot of information to take in. I think I need some time to process everything," she finally managed to force out of her dry lips. Liara took the queue and stood to leave.

The only sound was a series of crunches as Shepard broke off part of one of her nails. "One question before you go. We know nothing for certain?"

"We only know without a doubt that Udina was working with Cerberus, and Cerberus created Pluvia before you died. Whether that means that it was originally intended for someone else, or Cerberus had more disturbing plans, is impossible for us to ascertain right now."

Chew, chew, chew. "Thanks Liara. See if you can dig anything else up about this."

Liara nodded curtly before escorting herself out.

Shepard's mind was reeling ceaselessly. What if Cerberus was working for the Reapers and Cerberus had planned for the Collectors to kill her to bring her back? They had no idea where Cerberus got the technology to not only bring her back, but to keep her alive. If Cerberus was under Reaper control, the Reapers would have been the ones who wanted her back. This made it possible that the implants that create the regenerative cells in her body were Reaper technology.

Was it possible the Reapers had been controlling her?

She broke out into a cold sweat. It was impossible; she had taken out a Reaper on Tuchanka only a week prior.

But how could she ever judge the motives of a force like the Reapers? Could it all be part of their plan?

She could have sat for hours contemplating the potential. But if she did, she would drive herself mad. It made her sick to her stomach to think about it, but she would have to keep this matter to herself and reserve it for the deepest chasms of her mind. If anyone found out, she could be considered compromised and taken off the mission.

One thing was certain: she needed to get in touch with Sparatus.

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard didn't know how it was possible, but she had a blinding headache.

She was standing in the cockpit behind Joker, bouncing on the balls of her feet in anticipation as they neared one of the arms of the Citadel.

"Too much coffee, Commander?" Joker commented at her apprehensive demeanor.

"Too little sleep," she responded, moving to stand near the air lock.

"Standing by the air lock won't make me dock any faster," he shouted over his shoulder, receiving a grumble in response.

"Humans are the most impatient species," EDI commented. "They do not understand that attempting to rush processes as important as docking increases risk."

"Both of you can just keep your comments to yourselves," Shepard snapped.

"Uh-oh, someone had a bowl of grumpy-Os for breakfast," Joker mocked.

Shepard gave him the I-will-tell-EDI-about-your-feelings look, promptly shutting his mouth.

As soon as the air lock doors opened, Shepard jogged into the Docking Bay, making a beeline for the elevators.

"Shepard?"

She froze on the spot at the sound of the familiar voice. "Miranda?"

Before her stood her old friend, and Shepard gratefully accepted her embrace. The ex-Cerberus operative looked just as beautiful as when they had departed.

Miranda pulled out of the hug, holding Shepard's shoulders as she studied her face. "Good to see you, Shepard. You look like you haven't aged a day."

Shepard was unable to resist Miranda's charm and laughed. "Same goes to you, Miranda. So good to see you." She sighed sadly. "I wish we could talk more, but I have to urgently meet someone. Can we meet next time I'm here, or catch up over vid comm?"

Miranda's brow furrowed. "I'm on the run from Cerberus, Shepard. I never stay in one place too long and I can't trust that any comm channels aren't being monitored."

"Those bastards," Shepard muttered.

"I do know one thing: Oriana is in danger. I have to find her and protect her."

Shepard clasped her shoulder. "Protecting her is what you do best."

"With your help it is."

The women embraced again. "Keep in touch if you can."

"I will, Commander."

Shepard approached the elevator again, her concerns for her father resurfacing.

The walk through the Presidium was a harsh reminder of how many people needed Shepard's help. Although she listened to each request, by the time she neared Apartment F, her patience was as thin as rice paper.

"Commander Shepard? Commander Shepard! Khalisah al-Jilani, Alliance News Network. Care to give a few words to the soldiers fighting on Earth?"

It was that horrid reporter again. Shepard clenched her teeth, took a deep breath, and turned to face her. "Can we schedule an interview at a later date? I'm very short on time."

"Are you saying you don't have time for humanity? We need your inspiration to carry us through this war."

"Ok, I'll answer a few questions. But please, let's keep it brief."

"Very well." She turned on her camera and microphone. "Commander, is it true that you left Earth directly after the Reaper attack, abandoning your fellow humans for your own benefit?"

Shepard shifted her weight.  _If only she knew..._  "I did what was necessary for the preservation of Earth. Humanity can't do this on its own; we need the help of the other races to defeat the Reapers."

"It seems that you're looking for a little more than that out of aliens, Commander. Are the rumours that you're currently engaged in a romantic relationship with a turian true?"

That was the last straw for Shepard. After everything she had been through since leaving Earth, she was like a pot boiling over. "I've been patient with you for both of our previous interviews and this is what I get? A direct inquiry into my personal life? What sort of smear journalism bullshit is this?" Shepard took a swing at her smug face, but the reporter was too quick: she ducked both her right and left hook. But Shepard wasn't going to let this bitch get away with that: she head butted her so hard that Al-Jilani collapsed onto the ground.

"Next time," Zoey snarled, "instead of reporting on gossip, report on something that really matters, like the Reaper invasion." She stomped towards the apartment, leaving dozens of open-mouthed citizens in her wake.

She jogged up the stairs to Apartment F, knocking on the door while tapping her foot impatiently. The door swung open almost immediately, revealing her father. He looked exhausted and grief-stricken, aged well beyond his sixty years.

"Zoey." He breathed a sigh of relief and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. "The most terrible thing has happened."

"What is it, dad?"

"Come inside, I'll tell you everything."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN! Sorry for the cliffhanger ending. I did want to comment that, for my long time readers, the mission that Liara mentions was the one in chapter one of The Deep Woods! Everything starts to come full circle. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I'll see you tomorrow.


	14. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tissue warning!

Trouble - Coldplay

Ashley had her eyes on the prize. Her eyes fixed down the scope, she inhaled deeply, and with an exhale she pulled the trigger.

With a bang of satisfaction, her shot landed directly in the centre ring of the target dummy's stomach.

"Bam!" she shouted. "Beat that one, Vakarian."

"That's a good shot…" With arrogant effortlessness, he barely took a moment to line up his target and shot, landing in the centre of the centre most ring. "Too bad mine's better."

"Headshots, then."

Once again, Garrus came out on top.

"It's that damn Black Widow, the targeting system on the Valiant isn't even close."

"It has nothing to do with the sniper wielding the rifle, nothing at all?"

She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Alright, fine, you out shot me this time Vakarian."

"Sweet, sweet victory." When he saw her face fall, he continued, "Ash, you're the second best soldier - next to Shepard - that I've had the privilege of fighting beside. You just happen to be scarier with an assault rifle."

"Damn straight!" She packed her sniper rifle up and flung it over her shoulder in one fluid motion. He followed her out of the Spectre offices and they made their way down to Purgatory.

"So Garrus, I couldn't help but notice that Shepard's been looking a little pissed at you."

He made a low humming noise deep in his throat. "Yeah, I've been working on fixing that."

"What's your plan?"

"I'm going to take her to the top of the Presidium for a picnic lunch. I've always wanted to go up there."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Picnic lunch? What is she, a teenager?"

His brows arched downwards. "I thought it was romantic."

"Sure it is. But this is Commander Zoey Shepard we're talking about here. Do something exciting, something that will get her adrenaline pumping."

He nodded slowly as an idea formed into his head. "Exciting? I can do exciting."

The rest of the walk to the bar was in silence, and as agreed, Ashley paid for their drinks at the bar.

"Speaking of relationships, I couldn't help but notice someone seems to have big eyes for you."

"For me? Who?"

"Javik," he responded sarcastically. "James, of course! Whenever you're in the room he suddenly gets the urge to show how big his arm muscles are and he forgets how to form full sentences."

She quietly laughed. "He's a good man and a good soldier - not too bad on the eyes either - but there are pretty strict rules against fraternization, and with good reason."

Garrus leaned back with ease in his chair, taking a long swig of his beer. "We're potentially facing the end of all organic life and you're worried about rules?"

"The rules exist for a reason. This is an extremely dangerous mission where our lives are at stake every day. Emotional attachment equates to greater risk."

"You're worried about risk?" He leaned forward so he could look deep into her eyes, holding her attention. "Life is nothing without risk. You think I didn't take a risk following Shepard to take down Saren, or following her again to take down the Collectors? You think I didn't take a risk the day when we admitted our feelings for each other? Things may be uneasy between us now, but every moment we share is still the happiest of my life. Don't deny yourself this."

Ashley instinctively leaned away, the passion in his eyes frightening. "You're awfully adamant about this."

"I don't want to see you in my shoes, sitting alone at Shepard's funeral with my heart broken in regret because she died before I could muster the courage to admit my feelings. It's preferable to regret action as opposed to inaction."

Her mouth opened and closed slowly, like a fish searching out water, before she snapped it shut firmly. "Food for thought," she muttered.

"Speaking of action," he stood swiftly and downed the remainder of his drink, "Time for me to get back in Shepard's favour. Thanks for the time on the range and the drink, Ash."

Ashley chose to remain at the bar, mulling over her thoughts over a few more drinks.

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus stood at the terminal for Sirta Supplies, browsing their wares.

Should he get Shepard flowers? He'd bought them for her on several occasions now, so perhaps she wouldn't find them special. Candy? He had never seen her eat any, perhaps she didn't like it. Weaponry? She needed a new SMG, but that was not a romantic idea.

The attractive Asari clerk addressed him. "Looking for something, sir?"

"Yes, actually. I need something for a human woman that says 'I'm sorry'."

"What are her interests?"

"Shooting, exercise, engines, and biotics."

The clerk briefly looked stumped before the smile returned. "Jewelry is always a winning option."

"So I've heard. Any recommendations?"

From under the counter she pulled out a glass case filled with sparkling jewels. "Depending on your price range we have earrings, bracelets, necklaces - which are always a favourite -"

"That one. Give me that one."

As soon as he saw it he knew that he needed it. It was a tiny Normandy SR-1 pendant on a silver chain, hooked up by the thrusters so it would hang nose down. It was perfect.

"Is she a Commander Shepard fan?"

"You could say that," he responded with a flicker of his mandibles.

"Shall I gift wrap it for you?"

"Please."

"Wonderful. That will be 9,462 credits."

Almost 10,000 credits? For a damn piece of silver? Anything was worth it for Zoey, but  _Spirits_  that was a lot of credits.

With a much emptier wallet and a fancy gift bag in hand, he waited in their docking bay by the sky cars for Shepard to arrive.

 

* * *

 

 

He waited, and waited.

Two hours past the meeting time.

Four hours past the meeting time.

When it was five hours past the meeting time and beginning to grow dark, his legs were stiff from disuse and his heart ached with a longing for Shepard. With a sad sigh he turned to return to the Normandy, resigning himself to a quiet night alone in the main battery.

_Just get your work done, Vakarian. You have to get in touch with the volus ambassador about the evac freighters, and recalibrate the targeting algorithms on the Thanix. The Viper and your armour need a good clean. Moping gets you nowhere._

He passed through the ship, slow and dejected, ignoring Liara, James, EDI, and Joker sitting in a circle in the cockpit as well as Ashley and Javik eating together in the mess.

When he opened the door, the sight of Shepard sitting on his cot before him made him drop everything in his hands.

She looked devastated. Her eyes were wet and red, and looking into them he could see only pain and suffering. Her mouth was open with the corners turned down, and her hands were gripping the bed like it was keeping her tethered down. He threw himself onto his knees in front of her, grabbing her hands in his, searching her face for answers to what could cause such pain.

She finally answered, in a voice so quiet it was barely audible.

"My mother is dead."

"Oh, Zoey, my love. What happened?" Garrus asked, pulling her in as close to himself as possible.

"My dad explained everything." They moved themselves so they were lying on the bed together, Garrus wiping the occasional tear that slipped down her face with his talon.

"Just after the Reapers hit, most likely around the time when I was on Mars, my parents were separated by the Alliance. Although it was hard, they knew they had to do their duty. And my mother's knowledge... it is... was..." She choked on her words, and took a series of deep breaths before continuing. "Her abilities have always been in high demand. The SSV Shasta requested her specifically for an offensive attack in the Horse Head Nebula, and dad was aboard the SSV Shanghai sent on a civilian escort mission. Comm lines are so damn tight right now that neither of them could communicate with my brother or me, or even each other." She shook her head sadly.

"As soon as they went into that damn system they saw that it was overrun with Reapers. Dozens of Destroyers were there, fucking dozens, and they were just... Shot right down." She buried her face in her hands. "There was the Shasta and two other frigates as well as a few fighter ships, destroyed like they were nothing." Her teeth were clenched and her eyes were stinging as tears pooled in their depths. "How can we fight these things, Garrus? They took out a chunk of our fleet like we're...insects, we're nothing to them! How do we fight an enemy so all-encompassing, with no compassion or regard?" She slammed her fist against the bed. "They killed my mother. My fucking mother!"

It was like the flood gates broke open as her body convulsed with the sobs that took over. Tears and mucus streamed down her face as she let out a series of agonized gasps. Garrus wrapped himself around her, pulling her shaking body in as close to his as possible.

"I miss her so fucking much," she managed to murmur before collapsing again into sobs. Garrus's heart ached, for both her mother and his own, and his own agony hit him like a wrecking ball. He began to let out low, agonized howls as he gripped her tighter, joining her in her grief.

They lied together on that tiny cot, trying and failing to shake off the pain of what they had lost. Garrus continually thought that you only have one mother: she spends her whole life protecting you, cherishing you, loving you, nurturing you, and neither he nor Shepard would have one again.

After what felt like hours, perhaps from having no tears left to shed or the grief slightly abating, Shepard spoke. "I'm sorry, Garrus. I haven't cried in... God... ten years, probably."

"There's no need to apologize," he whispered, running his hands along her face, her hair.

She sighed, her breath ragged as she exhaled. "How do you wake up every day, knowing that you'll never see your mom again?"

Garrus was quiet for a moment in contemplation. "My mother's spirit is embodied in everything around me. I may not be able to touch her or talk to her, but she's always there for me."

"I think I like the turian way of thinking." She smiled faintly. "The idea of a spirit as the embodiment of everything around us."

He shrugged. "It's a little old-fashioned, but at times like this, it helps you get through the hardest days."

She leaned in to kiss him firmly. "I'm sorry, Garrus, for getting so upset with you. It's a bit unfamiliar to have a someone I outrank have concerns about me as a person instead of as a commander and I overreacted. I can let myself get too caught up with being a commander, and today was an astute reminder that I need to appreciate everything that I have, because the Reapers want to take it all away."

"I owe  _you_  an apology, Zoey. I overstepped my boundaries in my concern, but I should have known that your calls so far have lead us here: where you've defeated Saren, squashed the Collectors, and united the krogan, salarians, and turians. The calls you have to make are difficult, but you don't make them to be selfish, you make them to win wars."

"I will defeat them." Her brow was set in determination. "I'll bring down those bastards who killed my mother. There will be no mercy."

"I would not want to be a Reaper right now."

She laughed, but it was empty and humourless. The pain was still too fresh for even Garrus's quips to cheer her up.

"Will you be alright, Zoey? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Just you being here is all I need."

"Let me take you out tomorrow, on the Citadel."

"We don't have more time for shore leave right now; we have to get to Rannoch."

"Rannoch can wait," he said firmly. "Just give me a few hours; we'll be halfway to Rannoch this time tomorrow. We can't have our Commander Shepard operating at half capacity; we need you at full strength."

"Alright," she acquiesced with a sigh. "But we're setting out at 1300 hours tomorrow."

"Absolutely." He kissed her forehead. "Now let's try and get some sleep."


	15. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super fluffy chapter for today! Hope you enjoy and I'll see you on Monday :)

Dear Prudence - The Beatles

"My name is Garrus Vakarian, and this is my favourite spot on the Citadel!" He pumped his Black Widow into the air, his subvocals ripe with smugness.

With the loss of Shepard's mother and her overexertion, Garrus had insisted they spend a few hours together on the Citadel before travelling to Rannoch. She had attempted to argue, but when he put his foot down and demanded that they stay she reluctantly accepted. The time away seemed to be doing well for her, however: she looked significantly brighter and more alert than she had looked all week.

Shepard's arms crossed her chest. "Awfully confident for beating a woman who started sniping in combat a month ago."

"Please, Shepard, I've seen you shoot in combat. It's not just about the experience, it's about the eye." He tapped his visor. "This just reaffirms the fact that I have a better eye than you."

She would never, ever be able to tarnish his ego and admit that she missed on purpose. "You've got me there. Just don't tell the crew you beat me, I'll never hear the end of it."

"Ashley's pride would be less wounded if you told her, seeing as I beat her as well." Shepard highly doubted that Ashley missed on purpose, either.

"Maybe Ashley and I need to have a shoot-out, see who takes second place in marksmanship on the Normandy."

Garrus chuckled to himself and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her tightly into his side. In return she wrapped her arm around his slender waist and leaned her head on his shoulder, admiring the view of the open Citadel before them, the people appearing as small and insignificant as ants from their viewpoint. Captivated by the sights and the peacefulness of each other's presence, they remained silent in contemplation.

"You ready for the rest of my plans?" Garrus asked.

"There's more?"

"Of course there is."

"So what's the plan?"

"You'll see as we go. But first..." He stepped over to the box which contained the bottles they had shot at, and from it he pulled a roll of bungee rope and two harnesses.

"You're joking," she muttered.

"What, you're not up for a little adventure?"

Her brow arched as she crossed her arms. "I wouldn't say bungee jumping off the Presidium was the first thing that came to my mind when you say the word 'adventure', but hell, we only live once right?"

As if he had planned the tryst months in advance, he wrapped one end of the cord securely around a tall, solid post and strapped himself in to his harness. He then helped Shepard with hers, his hands teasingly lingering between her legs while he buckled it up. "Are you seducing your Commanding Officer?" she chided as he squeezed her breasts while wrapping the harness around her chest. "Because that would be against Alliance regulations."

"I was never very good at following Alliance regulations," he cooed in response, kissing her firmly.

There it was. That part of Garrus Vakarian that awoke the hormonal, rebellious 15-year-old girl within her. She grabbed his waist and pulled him in to deepen the kiss, parting her lips to allow his tongue to dart inside her mouth. Her left hand wandered to massage his fringe, eliciting a growl from deep within his throat that vibrated through her lips.

"You know I have to have my way with you now," he growled, nipping at her neck.

"With all this gear on?"

She heard a clicking noise from behind her. "No, after this."

He grabbed her tightly and the two of them soared off the edge of the Presidium tower. The wind sang through her hair and howled through her ears as they dropped head first. Although they were spinning rapidly, when she glanced towards the tower she could see politicians staring at the pair with wide-eyed and open-mouthed wonder at their sheer daring. They reached menacingly close to the flow of sky cars, the tip of Garrus's head nearly touching one before - with a loud shout from Shepard - they were launched back upwards, flying again past the gaping politicians. They had a few more half-hearted bounces before Garrus retracted the cord and they were pulled back to the top of the Presidium.

Shepard's heart was racing and her legs shook so violently that it took great effort to remain standing. Garrus began to unbuckle them while his hands shook from laughter.

"We may need to get out of here," he said when he managed to catch his breath. "I think a few people may have seen us."

"A few? More like the whole damn tower!"

He kissed her again and they packed their things quickly and jumped in the sky car, Garrus diving innocuously into a lane before they burst into laughter again.

 

* * *

 

 

"This was your next plan?"

"You don't want to do it?"

"Of course I do. Just didn't realize you had such a penchant for rule breaking."

"This is Archangel we're talking about her. I have as much of a penchant for pissing off criminals as I do for pissing off the law."

"Alright," she said over the radio, buckling up her seat belt. "But I'm warning you, I'm a damn fast driver."

"Don't kid yourself; I sat through too many of your Mako rides to believe that."

She shrugged. "Whatever it takes to convince yourself you'll win, Vakarian. You ready?"

"In 3...2...1..."

The pair rocketed off in separate sky cars, racing from one end of the Wards to the other. They weaved between stunned drivers, pedal to the metal, ripping around corners only inches away from buildings. Shepard cursed when she saw Garrus's car fly by to her left, so she cut off three cars to fly in front of him, causing him to swerve and slam on the brakes.

"Didn't know we were playing dirty," he growled over the radio, bumping her car from behind.

"I like dirty," she replied in a husky voice, accelerating hard to pull away from him.

Garrus hated admitting it, but she was a very fast sky car driver, both daring and precise, and she easily beat him to the finish line where they slyly pulled into an empty underground parking unit.

"Well, I guess we know who the better driver is," Shepard boasted with her chest puffed out while she stepped out of the car.

Refusing to admit that she was right, he responded, "I would have had it if you didn't shut me off."

"Please, you never had it." She stretched, raising her arms high over her head and rewarding Garrus with a tantalizing view of her lower abdomen. "Should we hang around for a bit to make sure we weren't being followed?"

"There are two empty sky cars here..."

No further hinting was necessary.

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus was lounging in the back of the car with Shepard's head resting on his chest, his eyes closed in perfect relaxation. Both of them were undressed, basking in the glow of their lovemaking.

"Thank you... for all of this, Garrus. It really helped."

When he spoke, the rumbling tones soothed Zoey. "Anything for you. Also, I have something for you."

She sat up, leaning on her elbow. "For what?"

"Well," he began, digging through his armour which littered the floor, "when we had our little disagreement after Tuchanka--"

"Don't remind me," Shepard interjected.

"--Primarch Victus suggested that I get you a gift as a way of apologizing. Although things didn't play out quite the way I had expected - much worse than I had expected, actually - you graciously forgave me, and now I just present it as a token of my love." He presented his closed fist to her, and when he opened it the tiny SR-1 pendant glinted in the light from the car.

"Holy shit Garrus it's beautiful, where did you find it?"

"Just got lucky, I suppose."

She closed her eyes and they kissed before she turned to sit between his legs while he clasped it behind her neck. The corners of her lips turned up as she brushed her fingertips along it. "It's a good reminder of where we came from, and what we're fighting for."

"We had a lot of good memories on that ship."

"That we did."

"So the Primarch of Palaven suggested that you get me jewelry?"

"He once fell in love with a human woman."

Zoey's brows rose almost to her hair line. "Victus - Primarch Adrien Victus - had a human lover? That must be quite the story." She lay back down on top of him, running her pendant along the chain.

"He told me the story once."

"Brief me on it."

"It's a long one, and I thought you wanted to be back on the ship early to head to Rannoch."

"I'm the commander; we have to be back when I say we have to be back."

"Fair enough. Well-"

A stern  _tap, tap, tap_ on the window snapped them out of their easy conversation.

"What the fuck was that?" she hissed to Garrus, sitting up and reaching to the floor to pull out her pistol.

"No idea," he grumbled, pulling a knife from a concealed holster on his lower leg.

A turian face appeared, muddled by the tint in the window. His voice also muted, he growled, "You have to be fucking kidding me."

Garrus twitched into an austere alertness, recognition flashing across his face.

"That you, Vakarian?" the voice grumbled.

"Chellick." Garrus sounded distinctly unimpressed at being caught in such a compromising position.

Shepard glanced at the turian in the window, and quickly back to Garrus. She recognized Chellick; he had been her requisitions officer back in the SR-1 days.

"Who's that with you?" Chellick called. "That isn't Shepard, is it?"

"Good afternoon, Detective Chellick," she murmured, her face swiftly turning as red as a beet.

"What are you two, teenagers?" he scorned, pulling away from the window as they dressed quickly. "Don't you command a ship?"

"Stay in the car," Shepard hissed at Garrus. She took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose before stepping out of the car, maintaining complete composure. "I apologize for our indiscretion, Detective. I hope we haven't caused you too much trouble."

Chellick let out a long sigh, his mandibles fluttering in indecision. "A little old salarian lady called me in a panic when two sky cars raced past her while she was driving so I was sent to take a look. I can safely assume that was you two?"

"Spectre business, Detective."

"I'm sure. Listen..." He continued in a low voice, ducking low so his face was at Shepard's level. "My protocol in these sorts of situations is to take you in to see the executor to confirm your business. But if you autograph something for my daughter, we'll just forget about it for today. Deal?"

"Absolutely." Chellick pulled a scrap of paper from his squad car, appearing abashed by his own daring. "What's your daughter's name?" Shepard asked.

"Nat."

_To Nat,_

_Best wishes and warmest regards._

_Commander Shepard_

"Thank you, Commander, she'll love this. I better not hear about you two getting in trouble again, you hear?"

"Yes sir," she responded. She watched him drive off as Garrus stepped out of the car, both of them letting out the laughs that had built up as soon as the squad car was out of sight.

"Back to the ship then?" Garrus asked when they had regained their breath.

"Please, before I die from embarrassment."

Garrus's brow immediately set into a concerned furrow. "You can die from embarrassment?!"

Shepard threw her head back and laughed to the sky. "Another one of my damn idioms, Garrus. Let's get the hell out of here."


	16. Intermission

"Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

You're really pretty,

And I like you."

James gazed expectantly at Garrus, who remained entirely straight-faced. When James didn't begin laughing, he said, "Oh wait, that was serious? It was atrocious."

James's brow furrowed. "Really? What didn't you like?"

"I've literally heard a krogan write better poetry."

The bulky marine sighed heartedly. "How would you improve it?"

"By throwing it out the airlock."

He slumped his face into his hand. "Scars, I have no idea how I'm gonna get this girl  _without_  poetry. I'm not as suave as you. I mean look at you, you got Shepard for Christ's sake."

"Be yourself, my friend. You have to do it from the heart. I've known Ashley for a long time, and although she loves her poetry she also hates bullshit. So just tell her how you feel, be honest, and the rest will fall into place."

"Scars, I feel like I gave the same speech to you a few weeks ago."

"And now Shepard and I are back together. Time to listen to your own advice, eh?"

 

* * *

 

 

James cleared his throat loudly.

"You have a great shot,

And pretty hair too.

I would like it a lot,

If I could grab a drink with you."

Liara crossed her arms, contemplating how to let him down gently. "It is a bit... proletariat, don't you think?"

"What do you mean?"

"It is the worst poetry I have heard in my years. If you desire her so greatly, you must compliment her genuinely. Tell her the things about her that you find to be so special."

"I like her boobs."

"Please leave."

 

* * *

 

 

"This is a haiku,

It is a haiku for you,

Please go out with me."

Javik growled loudly. "Get out of my quarters before fry you up for supper."

 

* * *

 

 

"You are nice,

But you are tough.

I will buy you some rice,

And hope that you like it rough."

James didn't see Tali's lip curl beneath her mask. "Just get her drunk, you're hopeless otherwise."

 

* * *

 

 

He took a series of deep breaths to pump him up before he knocked on the door of the Starboard Observation Deck.

_Don't fuck this up, Vega._

She swung the door open almost immediately, a wide smile lighting up her face at the sight of him. "What's up, James?"

He held up the bottle in his hand. "Care to split this tequila with me, lo bello?"

She shrugged noncommittally. "Yeah alright, come on in."

_Don't fuck this up, Williams._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one of my silly little intermissions! Let me clarify that I don't think James is really that dumb (I actually love him), he's just easy to pick on.


	17. Chapter Fourteen

Disparate Youth - Santigold

"YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!"

The series of expletives emitting from the comm room were followed by a loud bang and a growl. Tali looked up from her terminal to catch a glimpse of Shepard smacking the outgoing comm terminal as the screen sputtered and displayed static. She approached the commander, her rage at the inanimate object disturbingly humourous.

Poking her head around the corner, she asked, "Need some help, Shepard?"

"How are we expected to win this damn war if I can't even get an outgoing comm signal?" She growled and slammed her fist onto the keys, sending sparks flying up. The screen gave a last sputter of static before dying completely, and Shepard let out an exasperated sigh before gripping the bar with white knuckles and ducking her head between her arms.

"Let me take a look at this," Tali said tenderly, waving her omni-tool over the console. It was easily repairable, although anything was with the right tools and the right materials. When her attention was returned to Shepard, she realized just how worn and fragile she looked at the moment. Strands of hair were falling out of her normally tidy knot, she was paler and the skin on her arms was stretched tighter around her wiry muscles than ever, giving her the impression that if she were shirtless her collarbones and ribs would be disconcertingly prominent. It was no wonder -- after their trip to the Citadel she had been working non-stop assisting the quarians, first rescuing Admiral Koris and then disabling the server controlling the geth fighter squadrons, and the next day they were going to be infiltrating the Reaper base on Rannoch. Tali doubted Shepard had left herself time to eat or sleep. "I'm going to need some time," she lied. "Why don't you have some dinner in the mess, I'll come get you when we have this up and running again."

Shepard wasn't willing to rest that easily. "Thanks but I really need to finish filling out those mission reports for the--"

"Eat," Tali interrupted in a stern tone. "This message, and those mission reports, can wait until after you eat."

"Do you know what this message I need to send out is?" Shepard asked in a snappy tone. Not waiting for an answer, she continued, "It's for my brother to tell him that my mother's dead since my dad can't get an outgoing comm signal out of the Citadel."

"Shepard, I-"

"You know how it is. You lost your father. You try resting when those bastards who killed your loved one are out there, taking more and more lives every day."

Tali gripped Shepard's shoulder firmly. "I've been there, and I wanted revenge against the geth who killed my father every day. But you're here, helping me honour his memory by taking them down and taking our planet back. So let me help you now. Garrus will do your mission reports, I'll fix this, you have something to eat, and we'll have the message out to your brother in no time."

Although Shepard posed herself to argue, she knew that Tali would only argue further. Her expression transformed from stern and stressed to one of reluctant acceptance. "Quarians are too damn stubborn! Fine, but get me the moment this is up and running."

Tali saluted her and said, "Aye aye, commander."

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus completed the mission reports as per Tali's request and found Shepard in the comm room, Malcolm's head and torso displayed in the hologram before her. She was gripping the rail with white knuckles as they spoke, and her face was long and drawn but had slightly more colour than when they had returned to the ship earlier that day. He paused around the corner, not wanting to disturb their conversation.

"Do you know what happened?" Mal asked in a hushed and agonized voice.

"Dad said that she was specially assigned to a mission in the Horsehead Nebula, and dozens of Reaper destroyers were there waiting for them. They never stood a chance."

Mal ran his fingers through his tousled hair. "At least it would have been quick and painless. It's a better fate than a lot of soldiers on the ground."

Shepard nodded glumly. "Dad's in pretty rough shape. See if you can send a comm wave his way, it would mean the world to him."

He nodded slowly. "I will. Absolutely. Are they doing a memorial?"

"How can they? Resources are stretched paper thin as it is, and with losing thousands every day there's no room for it."

"We'll have one." The determination in his voice was so… Shepard. "We may have to wait until this is over, but we'll have one. We'll find a nice plot for her on Rayingri, and we'll grow gladiolus flowers beside her grave."

"Of course," she responded tenderly. "You're keeping safe out there, I hope?"

"We've been in charge mostly of civilian evacuation, so although we see some action we're not in the meat of things."

"Good." She nodded firmly.

"How's Garrus doing? Be sure to say hi for me."

Garrus's heart swelled knowing that Zoey's own brother had him on his mind. For a moment, he felt like part of her family.

"He's doing well and I'll be sure to pass on the message for you."

"Captain needs the comm. I know things are hectic as hell, but keep me in the loop, ok Zo? I guess I don't say it much, but I love you."

"Love you too, little brother." She closed the comm and let out a long sigh. Wordlessly, Garrus stepped behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close, reminding her with his embrace that everything would be ok.

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus and Shepard sat across from each other in the mess, nursing their individually caffeinated beverages.

Joker stumbled in, his brow set in an angry furrow, and slammed a fifty credit chit on the table in front of Garrus before meandering off without a word.

Open-mouthed, Garrus stared at the credit chit. "I don't get it," he muttered. Shepard suddenly broke out in a burst of peeling laughter, gripping her sides as she rocked back and forth in her chair.

Between gales of laughter, she choked out, "I believe you just won a bet we made with him a while ago."

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard and Tali were seated side by side, staring into the deep valley at Rannoch that was littered with the Reaper's corpse.

"We took down a Reaper," Tali whispered.

"Again." Shepard snorted.

"Only you, Shepard."

"I can't believe the geth are gone." She rested her hands on the ground behind her and leaned into them, closing her eyes as the sun warmed her face. "How many of those damn things did we fight back in our SR-1 days?"

"More than I would have liked."

"Do you remember when we were on Ilos and you hacked the one Armature and we just sat back watching the two Armatures take each other out?" They laughed together.

"That was just easy. I wish I could hack a Colossus; that would have made our lives much easier."

Shepard's lips pursed. "But then Legion came on the ship. Actually meeting a geth... talking to him... watching him sacrifice himself to keep us safe..." She swallowed. "Sometimes you need to meet your enemy to understand that they're not really your enemy."

Tali remained silent, but beneath her helmet she was frowning. "The Geth Consensus opened my eyes," Shepard continued, "and taught me that the geth weren't as guilty as we thought they were."

"It was them or us."

"Geth or quarians. I had to choose, synthetics or organics, because it seems that they aren't meant to truly coexist. My decision was the right one, just know that it wasn't easy."

"I respect that your decision wasn't easy, none of yours have been."

"It was worth it to give you back your home and to help you honour your father's legacy, just like you wanted."

Tali leaned over to rest her head on Shepard's shoulder. She gave in to the strong urge to remove her mask and breathed in the fresh air. They couldn't validate its composition and she knew she may be sick for days, but it was entirely worth it. "After we help you take down the Reapers, I'll build a house here for you and Garrus. Somewhere with a view of the water, out in the country so you won't be bothered by your hordes of fans."

Shepard closed her eyes and imagined it. A quiet life for her and Garrus, after all of the madness was over. Was it possible? Would they be able to settle down to a peaceful life, when this was all over? Marry and have little adopted rugrats running around their house with sticky fingers and gum in their hair?

No. That was a dream reserved for the people she was trying to save. Dreaming now, before the job was done, was too dangerous.

"Shepard?"

"Sorry, Tali. Got lost in my thoughts of how things will be when this is all over."

"You need those thoughts to keep you going at times like this."

Would she ever get out of times like this?


	18. Chapter Fifteen

Autumn Tree - Milo Greene

It was late into the evening, and the only sounds in Shepard's cabin were the soft, repetitive drumming of her fingers as she composed the long-winded Rannoch mission report for Admiral Hackett and the clicks from Garrus's talons against her keyboard as he perused her messages.

The clicks stopped without warning and Garrus's eyes went fearfully wide as he read and re-read one of the messages, his brow plates turning down when he realized just what it meant.

_ANN Alert: New Article on "Quarian Fleet"_

_Palaven - The Turian Hierarchy, one of the most powerful and respected ground forces in the galaxy, are today paying respects to an unlikely ally: the_ _marines_ _of the Quarian Fleet._

_The weakened immune systems of quarians normally means their forces are restricted to ships. But when an emergency technical team was required to repair a ground-based com relay, providing vital intel to the turian military, one quarian squad stepped up._

_Commanded by squad leader Kal'Reegar, the quarian team repaired the com system, then sacrificed their lives holding the position until krogan troops arrived._

_When turian troops offered to provide evac support, Reegar refused, insisting they could not risk the relay falling. He said multiple breaches to their exo-suits made evacuation impossible._

_"We're all dead anyway," Reegar reportedly said. "Just make them pay for it."_

_A spokesman for_ _Primarch Victus_ _praised the squad's bravery._

_"Whatever our past politics, today the galaxy stands together against a single threat," Victus said. "We are humbled by the sacrifice of our allies from_ _Rannoch_ _, and we promise to return the honor."_

"Shit," he growled.

"What is it, Garrus?" Shepard called from the couch.

"You need to come take a look at this."

She stood behind him, resting her hands on his shoulders while her eyes darted across the message. Her expression fell into further desolation as she read it, her thoughts also punctuated by the word "Shit".

"Tali," they said simultaneously.

"We have to tell her," Shepard said. "She needs to know."

"Do you want me to-"

"Don't be ridiculous," Shepard interrupted. "I'll go tell her."

"Now? It's 0140 hours."

"If I was her, I would want to know." She kissed his forehead, threw her hoodie on over her tank top and swiftly exited.

Wanting to grab a ration bar and a canteen of water for Tali, she stepped out of the elevator at the crew deck. She was astonished to find that Tali was already sitting in the mess, facing the med bay with her hands wrapped around a mug with a straw. Shepard stopped in the doorway when she didn't acknowledge Shepard's entrance, or even move for that matter, until she spoke in an unusual monotone. "You've come to give me bad news."

_No use lying to her_ , Shepard thought. "Yes."

Tali lifted the mug so the straw almost reached her visor; and then, remembering that the coffee was cold, she lowered it again. "It's about Kal," she whispered.

"How did you know?"

It made Shepard's spine tingle to hear Tali speak without moving a muscle, or without her voice betraying a slight intonation. "I was running diagnostics on the drive core tonight when I suddenly grew very tired. I thought that the excitement from our recapture of Rannoch was wearing off, so I went to lie down in bed and fell asleep immediately, without sanitizing or having something to drink. The moment I was asleep, I was in the most vivid dream of my entire lifetime. I was back on the Neema - the ship that I was accepted onto after my Pilgrimage - and I was in the engine room. We must have been in FTL travel because the drive core was working at full capacity, whirring away and emitting that turquoise glow in the otherwise pitch black room. I realized it was a dream when I reached up to touch my visor and it wasn't there; I was completely out of my enviro suit, wearing the most beautiful dress I've ever seen, bright yellow and strapless adorned with lace." Her hand ghosted up to touch her visor, affirming its presence, before she continued. "I thought I was alone in the dream - I couldn't hear any voices or evidence of other ship inhabitants - but suddenly, Kal was there with me. He was out of his suit as well, and I've never seen a man who looked more handsome. He was wearing a full formal suit, and he smiled at me, and it was like looking into the brightest and most beautiful star. But the smile didn't touch his eyes, and I could see something was wrong, but before I could ask, he spoke to me. 'I love you, Tali'Zorah' he said. So of course, I said 'I love you, Kal'Reegar. I wear your gift every day'. And he said, 'I know. I want you to know that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Tali. My life before I met you was a smattering of duty, loyalty, and war. You were the peace to the conflict of my life, the sweet to counteract the sour, the reason why I leapt excited out of bed instead of resenting each day. I'm incredibly proud of all your accomplishments, personally and for the quarian people. My only regret in life is never spending more time with you'." She took a long, deep inhale to collect herself before continuing. "I asked him why he was talking like that, since he has come to me in my dreams many times before but we always spoke in the present tense, not in the past tense. He told me… he said, 'My time in this life is finished, I gave it saving the lives of many people. I wanted to say goodbye to you before I joined my ancestors'. He embraced me, and when I opened my eyes, he was gone." The emotion welled up and spilled over, and she rested her mask on the table before beginning to openly weep, her body shaking with racking sobs, each inhale coming in broken gasps and each exhale accompanied with a cry of anguish.

Shepard leapt into action, immediately taking a seat beside her ailing friend and rubbing her back, whispering words of comfort that sounded false even to her.

There were no words of comfort that could heal the wound of a lost mate.

Tali reached up and held onto Shepard's shoulders while resting her face on her chest, her body convulsing as she let the grief over take her. Shepard's words of comfort felt too hollow so she lapsed into silence, wrapping her arm around Tali's narrow shoulders.

When Tali's breath had steadied and she began to hiccup in recovery, Shepard gently suggested, "Why don't we have a girl's night in my cabin? We'll kick Garrus out, steal those dextro chocolates that Dr. Michel bought him, and watch a vid?"

Tali sniffled. "That would be nice. I don't want to be alone when I sleep."

Shepard grabbed her hand, weaving her five fingers through Tali's three, and walked her to the elevator, never letting go until they reached her cabin.

Garrus sat up quickly when he heard the door open, his expression openly filled with compassion as he saw the slumped-over Tali, anchored by the hand of Zoey. "Garrus," she said quietly, "Do you mind pulling a night in the main battery? Tali-"

He held his hand up to indicate that no further explanation was necessary, and he pulled together his few things and left. He skipped his normal display of affection in lieu of a simple nod, considering the effects it could have on Tali. When he left, Shepard propped Tali up on the bed, pulled two boxes of chocolate out of the fridge (one dextro, one levo), and took a seat next to her. "I'll play you one of my favourite old human vids," she said, prepping it on her personal vid screen. "It'll give you an idea of what humans thought that aliens looked like before we ran across the turians."

She played Star Wars: A New Hope, and was not offended - relieved, in fact - when Tali let out a soft snore before Luke even left Tatooine. She turned off the vid, tucked her in, curled up on the couch, and quickly fell asleep herself.

 

* * *

 

 

Tali woke slowly the following morning, refusing to open her eyes even as the light flooded in. She hoped beyond all hope that everything last night had been a horrible nightmare; but when she heard Garrus and Shepard's hushed voices, she knew it was not.

"How's she holding up?"

"She slept through the night with no nightmares. She's broken, but she's not beaten. I know my Tali, she's too tough for that.

"Come on, we have to suit up for Kallini. I'll just take EDI instead, and I'll make sure Liara checks up on her today."

Tali heard the door swoosh open and closed before turning over to check the clock: 1018 hours. Yet she was still tired, tired beyond belief, so she fell back into a dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

She awoke briefly, mid way through the day, to a delicate touch caressing her arm.

"Hey there," Liara whispered.

"I'm so tired, I need to sleep for a bit longer."

"Of course. If you need anything, just shout for EDI and she'll call me."

"Thank you."

 

* * *

 

 

"She's still sleeping?"

"Leave her be, Garrus, we all have our ways of coping."

"She's been sleeping for over sixteen-"

"Shh. Let's go down to the cargo bay. I'll have EDI call us when she wakes."

 

* * *

 

 

When Tali's eyes finally fluttered open again, they were deep into the night cycle. She sat up from bed and saw Shepard sprawled across the couch, a string of drool escaping comically from the corner of her mouth. Her stomach growled angrily so she stood on stiff legs and made her way to the mess.

When she walked in, Ashley was sitting at a table, a mug of hot coffee in her hand while her eyes darted across a data pad. "Hey, Tali! How... how are you doing?"

Word must have spread fast. "I think I'm ok. Not good, but ok."

"That's great to hear. I heard you got a good sleep in."

That elicited a small chuckle from Tali, who poured a glass of water and took a long sip. She heard Ashley stand and was slightly surprised when she pulled her in for a tight hug. "You're in a ship full of people who care about you. Losing someone is hard, but we're always here to support you."

Tali swallowed down tears. "The Normandy crew is what's keeping me going. Thank you."

 

* * *

 

 

It was true. Everyone worked hard to bring her spirits up: the women showed her affection and caring, the men told her bad jokes to keep her mind off of things.

Shepard completed a long string of missions - she investigated the Ardat-Yakshi monastery and saved Samara's life, she rescued a group of Ex-Cerberus scientists on Arrae, she investigated Leviathan reports, she restored an Alliance fuel depot, and she retrieved countless trinkets for Citadel citizens - and within a couple of weeks, Tali was back on the ground with her and beginning to return to her old self.


	19. Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a super silly intermission idea that popped into my head a while ago. Hope you enjoy!

"Ash, what are you doing on the floor?"

"It's so comfortable down here. Have you been down here?"

Shepard crossed her arms. "Can't say I have. Isn't the couch more comfortable?"

"No, no, the floor's where it's at." The Spectre let out an audible groan. "Yeah, I'm staying right here."

Shepard crouched near Ashley's face. She could see that she was extremely pale. "Tell me Ash, what did you get up to last night?"

"Nothing special," she muttered. "Maybe had a drink. Or two. Or ten."

"You must be feeling a bit rough."

"Don't worry, Commander, I'm ready for action when you need me. Maybe just give me 20 minutes warning so I can have a nap."

"Noted, soldier. So, who were you drinking with?"

"It's all a bit blurry right now, Shep."

Zoey cocked her head quizzically. "I think it was James."

"He... could have been there."

"And what did you two get up to?"

"Still blurry Shepard... ugh..."

"Can't remember a thing?"

"Nope."

"That's too bad. Oh well. Have you ever heard a batarian opera? I have the sudden urge to listen to one."

"Can't say I have, Commander."

She spoke to the intercom. "EDI? Can we give Ashley a sample of a batarian opera?"

"Yes, Commander."

There was a brief respite before the sound of a dozen shouting batarians filled the room, leaving Ashley to cover her ears and cry out for the pain to stop.

"Memory coming back at all, Ash?" Shepard asked with a wicked grin on her face as the music ceased.

"You are an evil, evil woman."

"You love me."

"Not right now."

"I'm just... curious... what you two were up to, drinking so heavily late in the evening."

"Alright, we kissed. Maybe. I don't know for sure."

"...And?"

"That's it!"

"EDI, can we play that opera sample again? I don't think-"

"No, EDI, don't!" Ashley sat up from the floor now, swaying on the spot. Her hair was sticking up in every direction and she looked like hell. "You are so fucking nosy, you know that?"

"Come on, that's what friends are for."

Ashley held her face in her hands and groaned again.

"Listen," Shepard said, her voice softer. "I'll bring you a coffee and medi-gel if you let me in on the juicy gossip."

"What are you, twelve?"

"Do you want your damn coffee or not?"

"Whatever makes the room stop spinning."

As soon as Shepard left, Ashley collapsed back on the floor. By the time Zoey returned, she was snoring. "Wake up, sleepy head!" Shepard said in a sing-song voice, placing the coffee before Ashley's nose so she could inhale its rich smell. The Spectre jumped up and saluted in her groggy state before realizing that it was just Shepard again.

"Have your medicine." She passed her the painkiller, which Ash downed greedily with at least half of the still black coffee. "Feel better?"

"A little."

"Good. Time for your end of the bargain."

"Wicked Witch of the West," Ashley grumbled under her breath.

"I heard that, and if you don't spill soon lady I'm going to ask Tali to come in here and give us her rendition of her favourite song from Fleet and Flotilla."

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

She promptly finished the rest of her mug of coffee. "Fine. Fine! You win. James and I slept together." She threw her hands in the air in a whoop-de-do fashion. "Are you happy now?"

The most shit-eating grin Ashley had ever seen split across Zoey's face. "You're never going to let me live this down, are you?" Zoey just continued to grin but didn't say a word.

Ashley took a deep breath to steady herself and stood slowly, closing her eyes and swaying on the spot while she waited for the room to stop spinning. When she opened them again, Shepard's face was only inches from her own, the same grin still present. "Alright, Skipper, that's just a little creepy. I'm gonna go make some eggs now."

It was eerie the way that Shepard continued to grin as she spoke. "Sure you don't want some huevos rancheros?"

"Oh for the love of God. I'm never telling you anything, ever again." She slowly left the room, swaying between the walls in the hallway, stopping near the elevator to grab the wall to prevent herself from falling. When she turned, Shepard was behind her, grinning.

"Ok, this is ridiculous. Don't you have a galaxy to save?"

"We're on our way to 2181 Desponia, six hours left to the trip, I have all the time in the world."

Ashley pushed herself off the wall and stumbled into the mess, pouring herself another cup of coffee. She could feel Shepard standing behind her but she decided it was best to ignore her and began making scrambled eggs. When they were cooked and she turned to head towards the table to eat, she let out a loud scream and nearly dropped her plate when Shepard's shit-eating grin was only inches away from her.

"GO AWAY!" she shouted, jogging to take a seat at the table to force her eggs down as quickly as possible. To her chagrin, Shepard took a seat across from her, that goddamn grin never leaving her face.

"Hey Ash can I get you something... for... fuck." James strolled into the mess, stunned to silence to find Ashley sitting across from the grinning Shepard.

"Just ignore her," Ashley mumbled, her face turning as red as a turnip as she stared at her plate.

"It's fucking creepy."

"I think it's revenge for when I yelled at her on Horizon."

"I'm gonna go... clean my... quarters."

"You do that," Ashley muttered. James slowly backed out of the room, but before he could step on the elevator, he heard Shepard yell, "Because you and Ashley made them so dirty last night?!"

Ashley stood, her face still flushed a deep red, and cleaned her plate off quickly before surprising Shepard by walking towards the main battery. Determined to keep up with her little game, Zoey followed.

Garrus opened the door at the first knock, presented with a haggard Ashley with Zoey beside her, her eyes never leaving Ashley as the grin stayed on her face.

"Good morning, Ashley," Garrus said with an unsettling degree of calm.

"Morning Garrus. Mind getting your woman off of me? She's been following me around for half an hour now."

"I don't see what the problem is."

Ashley threw her arms up in defeat. "I give up! I give. I'm on a ship with the best fighters and brightest minds in the galaxy and you're all a bunch of fucking twelve year olds. I had sex. Yes, shocking, I know, me having sex, but it happened! So if you two want to keep being children about it, fine, but next time  _you_  have sex don't expect me to follow you around grinning about it." With that she stormed off down the hallway.

"I think I broke her," Shepard muttered to Garrus before both of them keeled over laughing.

When they had recovered, Shepard looked down the hallway to see Javik standing with a plate of his breakfast in his hand, shaking his head in disappointment. "Primitives."


	20. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next are super fluffy, so I hope you enjoy!

Addicted - Waldeck

While Shepard travelled underwater to find the Leviathan, Garrus and Javik killed off the few remaining Reaper forces.

"Turian! Your left!"

A Cannibal was charging at him, so he used concussive shot to send it flying into the water surrounding them. He whipped around to whack a Marauder in the face with the butt of his rifle before turning another 90 degrees to snipe a far off husk. A strong hand gripped the back of his neck, pushing him to the ground before he felt the air around him shift with dark energy while Javik used slam to decimate a husk. Garrus rolled back onto his feet and switched to his assault rifle before using overload on a Marauder, causing it to twitch on the spot before he destroyed it with a round to the face. In the corner of his eye he saw Javik's dark channel fly by his face, sending the final husk collapsing to the ground.

The Prothean may have had tendencies to be an ass, but the man could undoubtedly fight.

"Good work, Javik," he said after jogging to catch up with him to rendezvous with Cortez at the Kodiak.

"You as well, turian. But you must not only  _see_  the battle around you, but _feel_  it. You allow enemies to get too close to you, it can be dangerous."

Garrus shrugged. "A little rifle to the face can be fun sometimes."

"Until there are many enemies."

Garrus conceded, but he saw that Javik had a peculiar amused expression on his face. When he was about to inquire, Cortez was in their sights waving them over.

"Guess we're waiting for the Commander," Cortez called out as they neared him. "Not like that's anything new for the shuttle driver, I have a PhD in sitting around and waiting."

"Well, you have some company today," Garrus chided, taking a seat next to him. Javik stood awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable with sitting on the job.

"Come on, Javik buddy, you're allowed to sit down sometimes," Cortez said. "Not like we can do much while the Commander's under water anyways other than keep a Reaper watch, and I have all the scanners going on the Kodiak."

With a frown glued on his face, Javik took a seat next to Garrus, still appearing to be clearly uncomfortable. "In my cycle, camaraderie was reserved for battle and victory only."

"Well that's why we're better," Cortez joked, slapping Garrus on the shoulder. "If a turian can pull the stick out of his ass and hang out, so can you."

"What are we expected to do?" Javik grumbled. "Speak of the weather?"

"We can talk about the war, or things in our lives outside of the war. I'm sure you have some damn interesting stories, Javik."

"You would not be interested in the tales of my people." His tone had a finality to it that Garrus and Cortez grudgingly accepted. The men sat in an awkward silence that was only broken once by Garrus's stomach growling.

Desperate to clear the silence, Cortez asked, "So, Garrus, how are things with the Commander? You guys look pretty happy."

"Yes, we-"

"The turian intends to ask her to bond with him," Javik interjected.

This time, the silence was stunned. Cortez stared open-mouthed at Garrus, Garrus stared open-mouthed at Javik, and Javik stared into the water looking distinctly unperturbed. "What?" Javik finally asked. "Did you not wish for others to know?"

"It's what's called a secret, Javik," Garrus growled.

"Primitives," the Prothean grumbled.

"How do you know, anyways?" Garrus demanded. He had let a few choice people in on his decision, but he made the necessity for secrecy very clear.

"I can read you like a datapad from touching you, turian. It occupies your mind so greatly it is the first thing I read."

"You're going to ask Shepard to marry you?" Cortez asked in a hushed voice.

Garrus let out a long sigh. "I've been thinking about it, yes."

Cortez's hands wrapped around his arm, his grip surprisingly firm and his eyes glowing with excitement. "When are you going to propose? And how? Do you have a ring yet? This is so exciting!"

Although the idea of the proposal had been at the forefront of his mind for weeks, he was afraid to admit how much he had planned out. The idea had come to him when he had met her parents, and he only hoped that she would be pleased enough to accept his hand in marriage.

He settled on saying, "I have some ideas, nothing concrete."

"Well tell me your ideas, let me help you plan! I won't tell a soul."

"Primitives and their foolish ceremonies," Javik growled.

Garrus leaned in to whisper to Cortez. "There is something small you can help me with. See if you can convince Shepard to take up Hackett's offer for shore leave on the Citadel soon, and we need to get everyone to convince her to throw a party once we're there."

 

* * *

 

 

_There ain't no rest for the wicked_ , Shepard though to herself. She must have been damn wicked, because she sure as hell hadn't been getting any rest, even when Hackett handed it to her on a silver platter.

First it was the attack during her sushi meal with Joker. Then it was the absolutely ridiculous stunt by the clone to capture her in a vault and take her ship.

A clone. Of all things. Life as Commander Shepard never fails to grow stranger.

But she had thrown the cursed Cerberus creature out of the cargo hold, and for a brief day and night cycle the whole crew was permitted a restful shore leave. Although, restful didn't seem to be what they wanted: everyone was so persistent about a party that she had to oblige (frankly she wanted nothing more than to have the apartment for herself and Garrus to explore as thoroughly as they explored the ship, but a good party would take second place).

She stepped into the apartment to clean up and change from her armour to her civvies and found it to be empty. Entirely empty. It threw her off, having such a large space solely for herself, but why not take advantage of it?

The music selection was disappointing at best, so she queued up Pink Floyd's Animals album and jogged upstairs to the master bedroom -- her bedroom -- to remove her battered armour and sodden underarmour. She slipped everything off and threw it into a pile under the oversized vid screen before sprinting and performing a small cannon ball maneuver into the hot tub. Every jet was turned on and a languid sigh escaped her lips as she leaned back and allowed the water to massage her aching muscles.

When her skin resembled a sun-dried tomato she pulled herself out of the tub, applying jasmine-scented lotion over her skin and dressing. The Animals album had ended so she opted for Jimi Hendrix Experience's Are You Experienced?

As the warm tones of Hendrix's guitar filled the apartment, energy and excitement filled her at the prospect of the day ahead. Time to relax with her crew, enjoying the sights and sounds of the Citadel, was exactly what she needed in the middle of the madness of the Reaper war and the loss of her mother.

As she turned to go down the stairs, the sight of the rail stopped her. It looked long, smooth, and incredibly tempting for her to ride down the stairs; and that was exactly what she did, letting out a cry of excitement as she was launched off the end. She slid in her socked feet into the kitchen, waving her hips from side to side as Hendrix began to solo, his sweet licks giving her more energy than any coffee. She pulled a can of soda out of the fridge and drank it all in one go, belching and giggling in satisfaction. Continually waving her hips from side to side she began to whip together a fried egg sandwich, dancing across the kitchen in time with the drums.

The music was so loud she didn't hear the door slip open.

The sandwich cooked and eaten, 'Fire' began to play. She slid again across the smooth linen kitchen floor into the living room, her hips shaking violently and her head bobbing as she sang tunelessly. She picked up her invisible guitar and began to dance with reckless abandon around the living room as she soloed, throwing her hair back and singing to the heavens.

"LET ME STAND NEXT TO YOUR FIRE!" she screamed, spinning around to sing to the invisible audience at the door.

All of the air left her lungs at the horrendously embarrassing realization that there  _was_ an audience.

Garrus was clutching his sides as he was doubled over, laughing.

"Fuck," she muttered, running to turn off the music, her cheeks burning with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry," he gasped between gales of laughter. "Shepard, wait. I'm not laughing at your dancing, nothing makes me happier than seeing you let go that way. I've just never seen anyone play an invisible guitar, never mind with such enthusiasm."

"I'm so embarrassed," she muttered, her cheeks growing more and more red.

"Don't be!" He pulled her tightly into his chest. "I love seeing you dance."

"You and I both know I'm an awful dancer."

He pulled out of the hug so he could kiss her. "Come with me, I have an idea."

Her eyes narrowed and her brow rose into an expression of skepticism. "Where are we going?"

"Just trust me." He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the apartment without another word. Although she expressed disdain at being dragged around to an unknown location, she followed with minimal further protest until they reached the casino.

"What is this? Are we-" He abruptly shushed her, which placed an unhappy smile on her face. He pulled her upstairs and stopped when they reached a small dance floor, currently filled with patrons.

"You have got to be kidding me," she growled. She turned to run but he was too quick and grabbed her, pulling her tight to his chest as a new song began.

"Garrus? Garrus!" she protested as he began to swing her across the floor, the other dancers immediately scattering to avoid her gracelessness. But when he pulled her in so that her face was only inches from his as he stared into the depths of her soul, his eyes filled with nothing but love, she began to accept her fate. Her clumsiness was offset by his surprising grace; they had danced together before, but not like this, with him leading like he knew every step while her feet willingly followed his. In a moment of daring she wrapped a leg around his hip, the returning gaze from him setting fire to the depths of her belly.

The song slowed and he grabbed her lower back and dipped her low, bringing his face down so that it was inches from hers, his eyes glued on her while his breath tickled and subsequently parted her lips.

"Zoey Shepard." His voice was deep and his subvocals had taken on an unfamiliar tone; but from them she could feel white-hot desire and a deep longing.

"Will you marry me?"


	21. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday! This chapter was an absolute delight to write and I hope that you enjoy it. The song that I chose for this chapter is very personal, since my boyfriend and I consider it to be "our song", and if you listen to it you'll understand why it's so sweet. Thank you again to all my readers and I'll see you on Monday! <3

Hard to Concentrate - Red Hot Chili Peppers

His heart had been pounding so heavily it was impossible that Zoey didn't hear it.

Although he had spent months concocting the plan - working with Anderson to organize the apartment, suggesting Normandy upgrades to Hackett to give them an excuse for shore leave, asking Liara for dance lessons, shopping for the ring with Tali, arranging the party and shore leave with Cortez, having James pay off the DJ to choose that specific song for their arrival - it still took every ounce of his bravery to utter those four words.

"Will you marry me?"

Every millisecond after the question stretched to an eternity. At first her expression was so stunned he expected her to shout "no!" with all of her might. But slowly her eyes began to light up, her cheeks flushed a delightful pink, and her lips spread over her teeth into a beautiful smile that set her whole face aglow.

"Yes," she whispered, her eyes glazing over, "a million times yes!"

A fire lit in his soul at her sweet words. Every cell inside of him began to dance in harmony, the rush of endorphins to his brain so strong that it was dizzying. He kissed her and the crowd - lead by James - cheered in excitement, fueling his moment of incredible happiness. They kissed long and deep, savouring their love, her fingers digging into him passionately. He finally pulled her up to her feet, wiping away a stray tear that had fallen down her cream-and-rose cheek.

In the human fashion - as suggested by Ashley - he went down onto one knee and from his civvies he removed a small, black, velvet box. When he shopped on the Presidium with Tali for the ring, she had been bored and restless, insisting that such material expressions of love were foolish. Each of the options she had dismissed as too simple, too showy, too colourful, too white. But as soon as the clerk had pulled this ring from the back, she had gasped, shouted 'Keelah!' and told Garrus he wasn't fit to be a husband if he didn't pick this ring. It had almost emptied out his savings account, but it was worth it.

The band was white gold, thin enough to be attractive but thick enough that it wouldn't break under the vast amount of pressure Shepard was sure to put on it. Sturdy claws held in three princess-cut diamonds, the central one slightly larger and brighter than the other two (but all of them small enough to slip easily into a glove). Tiny sapphires surrounded the diamonds, and as he opened the box, the light over head made them sparkle.

Zoey's right hand flew up to cover her mouth and she held her trembling left hand out for him, her eyes sparkling with tears of happiness yet unshed. He slipped the ring on to her slender finger (feeling extremely grateful for Traynor, who had hunted down Shepard's ring size) and kissed her hand before standing up and embracing her, both of them laughing ceaselessly.

"I love you, future husband," she whispered into his ear.

"I love you, future wife."

 

* * *

 

 

"Is everyone here?" Garrus muttered to Shepard.

A faint line developed between her brows as she scanned the room. "I think so. Miranda isn't here, but I suppose going to parties is low on your priority list when you're on the run from Cerberus."

"What we have will have to do then." He raised his glass high in the air and tapped his spoon against it to draw everyone's attention so he could speak into the crowd. "Excuse me! Could I have everyone's attention please? Yes, that means you too, Joker." He pulled up a nearby chair and awkwardly climbed to stand on it so he could have a better view of the team. "I think I'm speaking for Shepard when I say thank you for coming, and we really hope that you enjoy the evening.

"I would like to take this opportunity to make a quick announcement. As some of you may know, I love our Commander Shepard very much. Which is why I asked her to marry me today, and Spirits, she said yes!" He pulled Shepard up onto the chair with him and kissed her to the sounds of the team cheering in excitement. When they stepped down, the men immediately swarmed around Garrus, clapping his shoulder, patting his back, and wishing him congratulations. The women pulled Shepard away to admire the ring and ask her dozens of questions.

"When will you get married?"

"Did you expect him to propose?"

"Can I help plan the wedding?"

"We have to have a bachelorette party!"

Wrex, meanwhile, pulled Garrus aside. "I'm happy for you, Garrus," he said. "If she's strange enough to pick a turian, I'm glad it's you."

"Thanks, Wrex."

"Just do me a favour." Wrex lowered his voice as much as he could. "Shepard's like a sister to me. Take care of her for me, she's done a lot to help the krogan people and I'll rip off your good mandible if you hurt her."

Garrus felt a sickening swoop at the pit of his stomach, knowing that truly Shepard had only deceived the krogan. But if he were to follow Wrex's request and take care of her, he knew that he couldn't tell Wrex what she had done.

Joker's voice rang out above the commotion. "HEY EVERYONE! Let's have a few rounds for the happy couple!" This suggestion was met with a chorus of "hear hear!" The night proceeded with another round for the couple... And another... And another...

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus sat up and groaned, holding his head in his hands. His head felt like it had been beaten mercilessly with a bag of bricks and subsequently weighed several hundred pounds, so he gave up and lied back down.

"What happened?" Shepard whispered, rubbing her eyes in a failed attempt to ease the pain. "Why is Javik in our bathroom?" The Prothean proceeded to stand and regurgitate noisily into their toilet. "That explains it."

"I only remember flashes..." Garrus groaned and held his stomach, which was threatening to upend whatever it was that EDI cooked him the night before. "How much did we drink?"

Shepard's aching eyes fell to the two 40 oz bottles beside the bed. She had no idea who drank them, but it was an indication they had drank  _far_  too much.

"Did I wrestle Grunt?" Garrus asked while rubbing his bruised thigh. "I distinctly remember wrestling him, but  _why_?"

Shepard's fingers ran over her dry and chapped lips. "You think that's weird? I'm pretty sure I kissed Traynor at one point. Something about 'making sure I'm straight before I take the plunge'."

James appeared at the door to their bedroom, a sly grin on his surprisingly pulled-together face. "Yeah you did! It was great!" He threw his head back and laughed at Garrus's astonished expression. "So, you guys want eggs? I'm gonna cook some eggs."

Shepard groaned and covered her rapidly reddening cheeks. "Thanks James, but I'm just gonna hide up here for a while."

"Same here," Garrus dropped his head back down on the pillow, covering his ears to drown out the sounds of Javik regurgitating again.

"Your loss amigos, I make a mean eggs Benny."

Shepard grabbed a bottle of warm water from the floor and emptied its contents down her throat. "Let's do ourselves a favour and take it easy on the drinking at the wedding if this group will be around. I think my implants might go on strike from the effort otherwise."

Although Garrus would have agreed, he was already snoring.

 

* * *

 

 

"Are you sure I can't join you?"

Shepard popped her scope onto her Javelin. "Aria was very insistent that I don't bring any of my Normandy crew with me."

Over and over again, he meticulously cleaned his Black Widow. "Send her my best, from Archangel."

"I will." She stood on her toes to kiss his mandible. "Time to flush out some Cerberus cronies. Shouldn't be more than a few days, my love."

She studied her ring and grinned on the ride up the elevator.


	22. Intermission

The lights were already off when Shepard reached her quarters, and she was so exhausted from her work on Omega that she decided to forgo a shower and go straight into bed. The glow from her empty fish tank faintly outlined a lump on the bed where Garrus was sleeping, and she could hear his faint snores.

She threw her armour willy nilly onto the ground so that it made a trail towards the bed and she belly flopped into it.

"What the fuck?" she cried out when a long, hard object smacked her stomach.

"What's going on?" Garrus grumbled, snapping into a sitting position and wiping his eyes.

"Lights, on." She threw the bed sheets aside and her eyebrows knit together furiously when she saw what Garrus had been cuddling with. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"It's - well, it was lonely having this big bed to myself, and -"

"You picked  _this_ as your stuffed animal?"

"Don't make it weird."

"Too late. It's weird."

"It reminded me of you since it was a gift-"

"Cuddling with your Black Widow is  _not_  normal. Next time this thing is in bed, you're out of it."

 

* * *

 

 

Zoey and Garrus sat side-by-side on the couch, her head resting on his shoulder while they watched a vid. "Want something to drink?" He asked.

"No thanks, I'm good."

He stood and opened the small fridge under her desk, pulling out a beer. Before he sat, his eyes lingered on his Black Widow that was sitting on top of her desk, newly outfitted with an improved scoping mod.

"You coming?" Shepard called.

"Right here." He took a seat next to her and kissed her firmly before she snuggled her head back into the crook of his cowl.

She glanced beside him and her eyes slowly began to narrow. "Garrus, did you bring the Black Widow back with you?"

"For protection."

"For us or for it?"

"...It?'

"You better get your priorities straight or you'll be sleeping on the couch."

 

* * *

 

 

"How was the mission?"

"Just picked up a few Elcor refugees, nothing extraordinary. Did you know they go into battle with their guns mounted on their backs? Can you imagine?"

His mandibles flickered into a smile as he pulled her in for a hug, bending down to tickle her neck with his mandible. "I love you," he whispered.

A warm smile quickly spread across her face. "I love you, too."

She never realized that he had been staring - and speaking to - his Black Widow sitting on her desk.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my boyfriend is a car fanatic, and he recently bought a new steering wheel for his baby. These little conversations are loosely based on actual exchanges I had with my boyfriend and his steering wheel (yes, he brought it into our bed. No, I'm not kidding).


	23. Chapter Eighteen

I Go To The Barn Because I Like The - Band of Horses

A sing-song voice rang from the doorway, "Shepard? Garrus? Is now a good time?"

Considering the fact that Shepard was topless and straddling her future husband, it was a terrible time, but they both knew she could never say no to her crew. "I'll be right there!" she called. A long sigh escaped her lips as she shot Garrus an apologetic glance before standing and putting on her bra, tank top, and hoodie. She opened the door and Liara appeared with an excited grin on her face, her arms overflowing with data pads, drawings, and diagrams.

"What's all this?" Shepard asked with a raised brow as Liara strolled in, taking a seat at their couch and splaying the paperwork on the table.

"Wedding planning," the asari responded in an isn't-that-obvious? tone.

"Well we were really hoping to have a small ceremony-"

"Please, do you really think I'm going to allow Commander Shepard to have a small ceremony?"

Shepard shot a desperate glance at Garrus, who exaggeratedly rolled his eyes.

"It's going to be the ceremony of your dreams," Liara continued. "The theme will be unity; I'm envisioning an incorporation of both turian and human elements. Have you sent in your application with the turian meritocracy yet?"

"No," they said in unison.

"Have you decided if Shepard will be donning your clan markings yet?"

"No."

"Have you decided on a human adjudicator?"

"No."

"Have you thought about any aspect of planning your wedding at all?"

"Really, Liara, we wanted something very low-key and we were planning on waiting until after the war was over."

"Do you understand how important this event is?" she snapped. "Not just for you, but for the entire galaxy. It's a symbol of unity in the face of adversity, of two previously warring species overcoming their biases and finding love!"

Shepard was speechless. Although she knew that their relationship was well reported by various media outlets, she had expended little thought on the political ramifications. Her thoughts were interrupted by further knocking at the door, and when she opened it, Traynor walked in with more data pads and diagrams crowding her arms.

"Liara's here already? Good. I have a list of suitable vendors on Earth, Palaven, and the Citadel." She strolled in, dumping her own paperwork on their table and taking a seat next to Liara. "For our unity theme I think the Citadel is our best bet, but their largest venue can only hold 500 guests…"

_500 guests?_  Shepard thought to herself.  _I don't even know 500 people._

As Liara and Traynor chatted away, there was another knock at the door, but before Shepard could answer it, Ashley let herself in. "Alright everyone, I have a list of the highest-rated dextro- and levo-supporting caterers, although most are requesting bookings two years in advance I'm sure they would make an exception for Shepard." She took a seat beside Traynor and Liara and the three began maniacally chatting away. They only acknowledged Zoey and Garrus to ask them the occasional question, such as 'is Roquefort an acceptable cheese hors d'oeuvre?' or 'what flower well accompanies the gladiolus for the centerpieces?' At one point, Liara pulled Garrus aside to take measurements for his suit, which she insisted would be 'custom made by the finest turian tailor for the occasion'.

After two hours the trio left, chattering contentedly among each other on their way out the door. "Well, we officially have no say in our wedding," Garrus commented to Shepard.

She shrugged. "If it makes those three happy, I'd rather just leave them to their devices and ride through it."

He took a seat on the couch and she sat on his lap with a long sigh. "If you could have it your way, what would you do?"

"Hmm." She mindlessly traced circles along his side with her forefinger. "I suppose I never was the type of girl who dreamed about her wedding. I always thought it was a whole lot of fuss over nothing, and it always seemed like the whole charade is more for the family than for the couple."

Garrus chuckled. "From what I've seen of human ceremony, charade seems like an apt description."

"Well, how do turians do things?"

"You put in your application with the meritocracy, and if it's accepted, you go to a court house and officiate, and if either mate is taking the other's clan markings, that's where they'll be applied."

"That's a hell of a lot more simple than a huge ceremony. However, humans have always loved their ceremonies and their grandeur."

" _Most_  humans," he corrected. "Not  _my_ human."

She giggled and nuzzled his nose with her own. "So, what's the meritocracy's common policy with applications involving non-turian mates?"

"Normally - but not always - the applications are denied, meaning that the turian can still marry, but will lose their place in the hierarchy."

She pulled away from him so she shoot him an abashed expression. "Why didn't you tell me that earlier? I would have never accepted if I knew that."

He caught a loose strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear. "Nothing to be concerned about, my love. Being an Expert Reaper Advisor to the Primarch of Palaven has its advantages, especially when that Primarch is exceedingly pro-human."

"Why don't you send a message to Victus, see if you can meet with him tomorrow while we're on the Citadel?"

He brushed his mouth against her cheek. "Of course." She leaned in to rest her head on his chest, sighing in contentment. He wrapped his arms around her body to surround himself with her warmth.

"Have you ever thought about kids?" Garrus inquired.

"Other than my adamant dislike of them?"

"I mean having them. You and I."

"Don't think our conflicting anatomies would allow that sort of thing."

"There are other ways. We could adopt, we could use a donor, we could find a geneticist who would be willing to try and create the first turian-human baby..."

"You can scratch at least one of those off the list."

"Why?"

She let out a short sigh. "I don't mean to get into an anatomy lesson here, but I haven't had a menstrual cycle since Cerberus brought me back. Something about the repairing cell must put a halt to the reproductive cycle."

"There are always options, if you wish to consider them."

"You really want children, don't you?"

"Yes," he answered without pause. "Wouldn't it be fun to wake up to the pitter patter of little feet? To raise a child as your own, to live in their successes and triumphs?"

"It would be hard, putting the guns and the armour away. Changing our lives, settling down. But it would be worth it to see you changing a diaper."

"We would hire a nanny for diaper duty," Garrus countered. "Or just bring Traynor over."

"She'd love that."

"I think I would just want a girl so that I could sit on the porch polishing my Black Widow when she brings her first boyfriend around."

Zoey threw her head back and laughed. "I think the first boyfriend would be the last! Although, we'd have the safest kids in the galaxy, protected by Momma Shepard and Daddy Vakarian."

Garrus ran a talon over his chin in a mock thoughtful expression. "You know, I should just bring all the guys over when the first boyfriend is around. She'd have a lot of protective uncles, after all. Uncle Wrex, Uncle Grunt, Uncle Zaeed..."

"...And her real uncle, Mal!"

"We'd never see the kid, they would be spending so much time with the various aunts and uncles."

"I wish my mother could still be here. Half the reason she had three kids was to guarantee that she had grandkids to spoil!" She rested her forehead against his. "At least you had the chance to meet each other. She died knowing that I have you to make me happy.

"You know Garrus, I've never considered having kids, but the thought of settling down with you and having a couple little rug rats is rather tempting." She affectionately rubbed his mandible. "I just can't get over the thought that I'll have to watch you age, watch  _them_ age, while staying just like this."

His eyes blazed with determination. "We'll make it work, Shepard. We always do."


	24. Chapter Nineteen

Helpless - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

"Requesting assistance, Shepard-Commander."

"I'm coming, Legion!"

She was in the Collector base again, but this time she was alone and it was free of Collectors.

"Shepard-Commander, we need assistance."

She was jogging in circles around the room, searching for a valve to open up the vents, but she couldn't find it.

"Shepard-Commander! Help!"

Her heart raced and her breath was rapid in panic. "I'm trying, Legion, I'm trying!" She helplessly patted her hands against the walls, searching for something to save him, but there was nothing.

"HELP!"

She cried out in frustration and punched the blank wall to no avail. She listened to Legion's agonized cries over her comm before they were suddenly cut short. She smacked the wall with both fists and her hands slid down it helplessly.

"You could have helped. You did not." His voice was suddenly behind her and she whipped around. Legion was there, but large chunks of his body were missing and oozing an oily fluid. His head light was flashing, on and off. "You failed," he accused, approaching her closer with his hands out, "YOU FAILED!"

As suddenly as he appeared he disappeared with a blinding flash, and she was suddenly in a large antechamber, his accusations echoing through the high ceilings. There were other, distant voices, bidding her to continue, to move on. She obeyed, moving with hesitant steps, her pistol held in front of her. She stopped abruptly when Jack - or what would have once been Jack - stepped around the corner.

"Look who fucking shows up," she snarled. Her skin had taken on a sickly green tone and was riddled with holes. A black, smoking line crossed from her forehead to her toes, cutting through her clothing so that it hung loosely, charred and battered, from her decimated form. Looking into her eyes was like looking into an endless black hole. "You know, your dumb ass made sure I didn't even make it to this shit hole. How pathetic is that? I got taken out by a fucking Oculus! Not even death in combat? Fucking come on."

"Jack, I-"

"Shut the fuck up, cunt. You know how fucking awesome my future would have been if it wasn't for you? I would have lead those little fuckers at Grissom Academy and done a bang up job. But you fucking ended me," she said, pointing at Shepard. "Feels pretty shitty, huh?"

"Yes," Shepard whispered.

"You know what's shittier? BEING DEAD!" With a petrifying scream, terribly similar to that of a Banshee, she began to crumble, limb by limb, into a pile of ash. Shepard tried to grab her, tried to hold on to any piece that she could, but Jack slipped right through her fingers. She fell to her knees and pounded the ground with her fists, hot tears spilling out of her eyes in frustration.

"I like the sight of you on your knees."

The tone of Jacob's voice, normally calm and warm but now vicious and poisonous, was alarming. "I'm sorry, Jacob," she whimpered.

"Sorry doesn't fucking cut it!" he snapped. She looked up at him and his deterioration was similar to Jack's: his skin was sickly and pale, entire pieces of flesh were missing and leaving gaping holes, and even a part of his skull was blown away to reveal the rotting and dehydrated brain beneath. "If you didn't fail on this base, do you know where I'd be? Not only would I be fighting your failing fight against the Reapers, but I'd be with a beautiful woman - leagues more beautiful than you could ever dream of being - and we'd be expecting a baby girl. But look where I am now, a rotting corpse left to fester at this base."

"Failure not surprising." Now it was Mordin who approached them. His good horn was hanging sickly off his head by a thread, and the gaping hole in his stomach that she had caused stared right back at her. "At least she did not shoot you, Jacob. Abysmal commander. Recommend execution."

"Execute her!" Jack had reappeared, and let out a cackling laugh. "Murder the bitch like she murdered us!"

With a flash, Legion also reappeared. "Murder is the optimal discourse."

They began to chant, the four teammates she had lost in her last year of service. Behind them Jenkins appeared, and Kaidan, and the scores of other crew members she had lost under her command, all appearing to have varying degrees of rot. They began to bear down on her, their rotting stench overwhelming, chanting over and over: murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder…

And when she woke she was screaming, wailing, begging for them to stop. Strong, hard hands caressed her back as her breath came in gasps that burned her lungs. The imagery refused to leave her mind, the undead versions of those she had let down, those she had failed. "I murdered them, murdered all of them, why did I fail, I deserve to die!"

"You don't deserve to die, my love, and you didn't fail. You're the greatest commander that I've known, and an excellent fiancée if I may say so myself."

His voice pulled her out of her nightmare and she grasped his cowl and buried her face in his chest until she was able to catch her breath.

Would this nightmare never end?

 

* * *

 

 

The door loomed before her, mocking her fears of what was hidden behind it.

Although she was grateful that Sparatus had agreed to meet with her - and she knew he was most likely only agreeing to it because she rescued Victus - her heart pounded at the impending conversation.

"Are you going in or staring at the door?" The guard growled. She shot him a poisonous glare before stepping in, finding Sparatus fringe-deep in stacks and stacks of datapads, some so high that a few from the top had fallen on the floor. Behind the stacks she could see half a dozen coffee mugs, all empty and dirty, and more than a few half-full pill bottles.

"Commander," he said without lifting his eyes from the datapad. "I hope you aren't here to waste my time, it's a precious commodity these days."

"I'm hoping that I can request your help on a sensitive matter."

He looked up briefly to read her expression before his eyes turned back down to his work. "Go on."

"Did you ever find anything when you took that blood sample from me a few years ago?"

His mandibles twitched, and she knew turian subvocals well enough to hear that he was trying to hide his surprise when he spoke. "Results were inconclusive. We could see what the cells were doing but we couldn't determine their origins. Why do you ask?"

"Seeing as Cerberus is now our enemy I thought it would be prudent to find out."

"The Council is well aware of that fact."

"And that implies..."

He scowled. "Council business."

"I have a right to know if I'm being monitored."

Sparatus stood; not angrily, but methodically. "With all due respect, I think that you've done enough sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. So if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to get done."

Although she wanted nothing more than to smack the smugness right off his face - especially since she had saved him from the usurper Udina only weeks prior - she thought better of it and made her exit instead.

Damn politicians. She should have known that she would receive nothing but vague implications from him. And she still had another Councilor to meet with: Tevos.

 

* * *

 

 

When Shepard stepped out of her meeting with Councilor Tevos, Garrus was waiting for her inside the Presidium Cafe, two steaming to-go cups of coffee before him.

"How's our old friend Tevos?" He picked up both of their coffees and handed Shepard hers before they headed towards the elevator to take them back to the docking bay.

"Looks like our next stop on the homeworlds tour is going to be Thessia. Apparently they might know the location of our Catalyst."

Garrus's mandibles flickered into a grin. "That's good news!"

"Asari cooperation and progress on the Crucible? I'd say it's great news. How's our old friend Victus?" They had reached the docking bay and began making their way to the Normandy.

"About as well as the Primarch of a burning planet can be. He did say, however, that he'll put his recommendation in for our application, but we can't expect any responses until things slow down a bit."

"Couldn't ask for more than that. A step-"

"Shepard!"

Although Shepard normally looked forward to their jovial name exchanges, Wrex's tone of voice from behind paralyzed her with fear. She quelled the bile rising in her throat.

"Wrex, what are you-" She was stunned to silence when she spun around and he pointed the business end of his shotgun directly at her face.

"I know what you did, Shepard. And you disgust me." A wad of green mucus flew from his mouth onto her boots.

Shepard had calmed Wrex down before, and she prayed to the spirits that she could do it again. "Wrex, be reasonable, let's talk-"

"Reasonable, Shepard?" He pushed the barrel of his gun against her chest. "I'm sure that you were being reasonable when you decided to let the salarians continue to commit genocide against the krogan people. I'm sure that you were being reasonable when you shot Mordin in cold blood. He was a friend of the krogan people! He wanted to help us! But you? I considered you my sister." This time, his spit reached her face.

"Wrex," Garrus warned, his subvocals soothing while he held out a shaky hand. It was clear that Shepard wasn't the only one that the angry krogan was frightening. "Shepard had to do what she had to do."

Shepard's voice shook when she spoke. "My people are being decimated by the Reapers. I had to do whatever it takes to stop this war."

Wrex growled. "My people never had a chance to live, and now we'll die like the rest of you. I hope the humans are slaughtered like varren." He changed his target to Garrus's chest. "And you. You disgust me as much as her. You knew exactly what she did but you didn't say a word. Just because you love her isn't an excuse to allow her to commit these atrocities!"

It was Shepard's turn to attempt a soothing tone. "Wrex, you're the best damn krogan that I know. But I know that some of your brothers can be dangerous, and so do you. Can you blame the salarians for wanting to keep the aggression in check?"

"Don't attempt flattery with me, Shepard. Do you know how I found out about your betrayal? When I held my brother's son in my arms. He was dead. You have personally taken away something that I love." His shotgun was now facing Garrus's face. "I can't kill you, Shepard. But I can kill something that you love."

_Gun him down, Shepard. He leaves you no choice._

She slowly pulled her pistol from its holster and aimed it at him. "Don't do this, Wrex."

His shotgun turned back to her. "You lost the right to tell me what I can and can't do when I left the Normandy."

"Wrex, don't make a decision you'll regret."

"You took away everything, Shepard. Everything. There are no more regrets for me." He flicked off the safety.

"Wrex-"

"Fuck you, Shepard." His voice was thick with pain. Never before in her life did Shepard regret anything as much as she regretted hurting him - hurting Mordin - at that moment. "Fuck you." He aimed for her chest, planning to incapacitate her before taking out Garrus. He once considered them family, he once would have said that he loved him, but after this betrayal his heart was only filled with hatred.

Shepard gasped as the shotgun shell hit her straight in the chest, sending her tumbling to the ground while the entirety of the air in her lungs escaped. She grabbed her chest, gasping for breath but finding none, letting out a cry of agony as the wound burned and the world around her flickered as she eased in and out of consciousness.

Through her peripherals she found Garrus, watching as he raised his pistol with lightning-fast reflexes and shot Wrex right between the eyes, sending his hulking mass crumbling onto the floor.

As she clutched her chest and the pain abated while her breath returned, Garrus jogged over to her, grasping her bloody palm in his two hands. "Shepard, are you alright?"

"That hurt," she mumbled, squeezing her eyes shut. "Are you alright? I could have... you didn't have to... fuck,  _Wrex_..."

"I had to," he replied sternly. "I couldn't just stand there and watch the same thing happen to you with Wrex as it did with Mordin."

Tears sprang unwillingly into her eyes and she gruffly brushed them away, leaving a bloody streak behind her hand. "What about you?"

"I'll be fine." He gently pulled her to her feet, grasping under her shoulders when she wavered on her feet. The chest wound had nearly disappeared.

Although his words insisted that he was fine, his subvocals said otherwise. "Are you sure?"

"His krogan blood got the better of him. Come on, let's get on the ship."

Sparing her dead friend one last sidelong glance, she followed Garrus onto the Normandy, her mind reeling.


	25. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to have a bit of a Lemony Snicket moment here.
> 
> Let me start by saying that this story does have a relatively happy ending.
> 
> However, there are two ways that you can reach this ending.
> 
> 1) If you're the sort of person that wants things to stay happy right up until the ending... I wish I had your optimism, but I would recommend skipping the next 6 chapters (and one intermission) and just read chapter 27 when I post it.
> 
> 2) If you're the sort of person who wants to follow my vision of the story - through good and through bad - then continue reading. But I would highly recommend having a box of tissues ready, because it's going to get a little rough.
> 
> If you've skipped every song that I've put up so far, make sure to listen to this one.

Helen Burns - Flea

"Garrus, Liara, short range weapons out." Shepard's voice crackled over the comm as she whispered commands. The horrible screech that preceded a banshee spread ominously through the area, and Liara's grip on her Tempest increased. "Take out that banshee first, use warp and concussive shot on its barriers as frequently as you can, I'll hit it with head shots from back here. Move out!"

Ducking low, Liara jogged forward until she was under cover in a lowered area on the terrace. She glanced out of the cover to get a layout of the area: there was plenty of cover available, but once that banshee started moving cover became irrelevant. She heard a bang as Garrus used concussive shot, turning its attention towards him from her opposite side. It bent forward to let out a cry and Liara stood to use warp before peppering it with bullets, confusing it. It dashed toward Garrus but Shepard immediately hit it with a head shot, confusing it again. A wave of cannibals and marauders appeared, so Shepard threw a singularity into the group before Liara detonated it with warp, sending the enemies flying across the battlefield. The banshee was coming down on Garrus so both Shepard and Liara dove out of cover, hitting it with the might of both their weapons until it turned on Shepard.

_Big mistake,_  Liara thought to herself. Garrus threw a proximity mine in the direction it was moving, exploding at its feet while Shepard pulled out her Suppressor and unloaded a clip directly between its eyes, sending it crumbling to the ground with a resounding screech. The team easily picked off the remainder of the enemies.

"Remember when these used to be difficult?" Garrus asked as the last Marauder fell at the hands of his Black Widow.

"You kidding Garrus, they've never been difficult!"

As she listened to them continue to banter as they approached the temple, Liara felt a surge of fondness for the pair. Although when they were on the SR-1 she would have never predicted their courtship, now that she saw it before her own eyes it felt... right. They both had unbreakable wills and strong consciences, and she could see in many ways that they needed each other. The strength of their feelings could be easily read in their eyes and their body language, and Liara knew that their love ran deeper than the oceans of Thessia.

Yet there was hesitation in Garrus's features, indicating regret buried beneath layers of loyalty and devotion. Before she could ponder it further, however, the Protean VI interrupted her thoughts.

"Indoctrinated presence detected."

"Commander Shepard."

Liara was adjacent to Shepard, who had been watching the Prothean VI. The commander closed her eyes and cringed at the sound of that voice before whipping around to face him.

"Kai Leng, you worthless scum."

The Cerberus operative chuckled, and the humourlessness sent shivers down Liara's spine. "The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you." He pulled up a hologram on his omni-tool, and Liara watched Shepard's lip roll into a sneer as The Illusive Man gave his speech full of lies and heresy. Shepard saw right through it and thoroughly dismissed The Illusive Man, resulting in Leng calling in a gunship.

The three of them dove into cover, and Garrus commented over the comms, "Can't even fight us on his own, needs to call in the heavy artillery first."

They dove across the field to avoid the turret from the ship while blasting the shields off Leng as he danced and somersaulted across the temple.

The tides of the battle changed before Liara's eyes, and time slowed to an agonizing pace. From Leng's omni-tool she could hear The Illusive Man shout, "do it, do it now!" The gun ship aimed for the pillars and the temple groaned and shook as it began to fall apart, Leng pushing Liara and Garrus aside while Shepard cascaded into the chasm yawning open at her feet. Leng darted forward in the chaos to grab the Prothean VI. Liara covered her head, rendering her blind, as chunks of dust and concrete rained through the temple. She heard two bullets whiz past her head to her right and the steady patter of Leng's boots as he ran to the exit of the temple.

When she surfaced from the chaos and looked to her right, her entire body became numb and time ground to a halt at the sight before her. Shepard needed to see this, now. Collecting herself, she ran to the chasm to help pull Shepard up with shaking arms that held the consistency of yogurt.

Without sparing the room a glance, Shepard sprinted down the hallway, shooting with her Suppressor at the gunship that was far out of her range.

Liara rested her hand on her commander's - her friend's - shoulder as she stopped her fruitless chase. Her throat felt so constricted it took her a moment to gather herself and speak. "You need to see this, Zoey."

And when Shepard turned around, the sight before her made her crumble to the ground and cry to the heavens.

* * *

"Garrus! NO! GARRUS!"

Zoey stood and sprinted into the temple, driven by unrelenting pain. She skidded on her knees until she was beside her turian, her hands skipping over his body to find a pulse while her mouth unwillingly cried his name over and over.

"Garrus, please," she whispered. "This is your commanding officer, get up now or I'll kick you right off the ship!" She used his omni-tool to release all of his medi-gel, but the evidence before her was glaring and unavoidable: although his body was so relaxed he could have been sleeping, he had sustained two gunshot wounds to the head, and the pool of blue blood surrounding him was growing wider and wider.

Garrus was dead.

She begged, over and over, to every god and to every spirit that she was living in a nightmare. She would wake up in her bed on the Normandy, and Garrus would be beside her, his mandibles flickering into the familiar smile as he whispered her name like a prayer.

She rested her forehead against his, the tears flowing out of her eyes and pattering on his face like a gentle rain. Sobs took over her body and she held his body as close to hers as possible as she screamed incomprehensibly at the top of her lungs.

She wasn't a religious woman, but unsure of what else she could do she began to pray into Garrus's chest between sobs. "I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry for all those people that I've killed. I'm sorry for sending my friends into danger. I'm sorry - so fucking sorry - for putting the man that I love more than anyone into danger. Fuck, I'm sorry for the time I stole that chocolate ration bar when I was eight and I'm sorry for the time I threw up in Vanessa's hat and blamed it on Steve. I'm sorry for skipping church and never praying. But please, God, don't take Garrus away from me." She began to shake him gently, the limpness of his form bringing a whole new wave of grief. "Please, God, please, I need him, PLEASE!" She was wailing now, her voice resonating eerily through the chamber. "DON'T DO THIS!"

Liara finally found her courage and approached Shepard, tears running swiftly down her own cheeks. "We need to go, Shepard," she whispered.

"I'M NOT LEAVING HIM!"

"There are Reapers coming, we need to go."

Her eyes wide and her lips trembling, Shepard's gaze fell on the exit, where two marauders and a troop of cannibals were slowly marching towards them. With a clenched jaw she was set in her resolve. She gripped underneath Garrus's cowl and knees and with all of her strength she stood, her legs trembling and her expression mad enough to strike fear in the heart of the bravest warrior.

"Radio Cortez." Her voice now had an eerily calm effect. "Tell him we need a pickup, and the zone is hot. We're going to kill these Reaper bastards and get back on our fucking ship. NOW, LIARA!"

Although her hands were shaking so violently she couldn't focus on her omni-tool, Liara managed to call the shuttle for a pickup. Shepard let out a loud grunt as she shifted Garrus into a fireman's carry and pulled out her pistol, sprinting forward with a battle cry before ruthlessly slaughtering the enemies. In her blood rage as they pierced her with rounds of bullets she holstered her pistol and threw them around like rag dolls with her biotics, squashing their heads under her boots the moment they landed on the ground. It was a terrifying sight.

The Kodiak pulled in and Liara jumped inside. The sight of Garrus's limp form over Shepard's shoulder prompted a confused glance from Cortez, but Liara just shook her head. They took Garrus's body from Shepard's shoulders before she jumped into the shuttle and commanded Cortez to rendezvous with the Normandy.


	26. Chapter Twenty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning, I apologize for my absence Friday but the evil fic writer has returned! Prepare for another sad chapter.

Play Crack the Sky - Brand New

When they stepped through the air lock onto the ship, Garrus's body was back in Shepard's arms. Her lip curled in restrained anger, she called out, "Mandatory meeting for all crew members, every single one, in the Conference Room. Now."

Silence and the gaze of each crew member followed her through the CIC. When she reached the Conference Room she placed Garrus's body gently on the table, closing his eyes and crossing his arms. She found a nearby cloth and wiped the dried blood off of him, so it almost gave him the appearance of sleeping.

As she worked, the crew members slowly filed into the room. It was a small area, so many of the staff were outside of the room while within listening range, and her ground crew crowded inside to be close to his body.

"No man, not Scars, not  _Scars_ ," she heard Vega whisper to Ashley, whose hand covered her mouth while tears filled her eyes and she was stunned to silence. EDI was embracing Liara, whose eyes had not been dry since Thessia. Tali fainted the moment she saw Garrus's body and Javik caught her; Shepard could see in his crestfallen expression that not even he was immune to the pain of the loss. Joker was in a far corner, leaning against the wall, morose and wordless.

When Shepard counted everyone as present, she stood on the table beside Garrus's body and began to speak. "No more fucking around!" she made eye contact with everyone in her vicinity to express her seriousness before continuing. "Today, Cerberus made it personal. Today, Cerberus made a  _very_  big mistake, and that's pissing off the crew of the Normandy. So here's how things are going to be from this point on. We are all on a personal hunt for Kai Leng and his captain, The Illusive Man. Not only did they take a life that's precious to all of us, but they took the information we need to lead us to the Catalyst so we can end this war. So if anyone has a lead that can bring us one step closer to those bastards I will  _personally_  recommend you for an Alliance commendation, regardless of if you are Alliance or not, as well as a sizeable bonus. Who's with me?"

A loud "hoo-yah" resonated through the crowd.

"One more matter to address before we get our asses to work." Shepard swallowed hard, masking her emotion in front of the crew. "If she accepts, I would like to appoint Tali as the Normandy's executive officer. Any information that you are able to collect must be directed to her for the moment. Joker, set a course for the Citadel." She jumped down from the table. "Alright people, we have jobs to do, let's get to them."

The crew filed out of the Conference Room, failing to hide their hushed whispers of surprise, until only Tali and Shepard remained.

Tali whispered, "Shepard, are you-"

Zoey held up her hand to silence her. "Do you accept your XO position?"

Tali swallowed, letting her mind run momentarily. Although it would be a great honour to take the position, Garrus's shoes were very difficult to fill. Furthermore, the Alliance would not be impressed to see a quarian as an XO when there are higher-ranking human officers on the ship. But if Shepard needed her to do it, she would take the position graciously. "As long as you're absolutely sure it's what you want."

"Trust me, Tali; it's either you or no one."

"Then I accept."

"Good. I need you to do a few things for me then."

In the human fashion, Tali laced her fingers behind her back with her feet hip-width apart and listened.

"First, get in touch with Solana Vakarian, since you met her on Palaven last year. We need to find out where she is so we can send her Garrus's body."

"But-"

Shepard held her hand up again to silence her. "Although as my XO it is suitable for you to question my decisions, right now, save the questions for later. Secondly, I need you to check up on the crew. The loss of a team member can be hard on some, we need to make sure everyone's in peak mental condition."

"But-"

This time, Shepard silenced her with a glare. "Thirdly, during your rounds, see if anyone has any luck with any information regarding the whereabouts of Leng or The Illusive Man. Fourthly, get together a few of the crew members - perhaps James and Cortez - and find a suitable place to keep Garrus's body until we arrive at the Citadel. When you've finished all of these things, come up to my quarters to see me. I'll be arranging with EDI to give you full access. Am I clear?"

"But, Shepard -"

Now Shepard was beginning to shake, her teeth and fists clenched and she spoke so quickly it was almost one long word. "Tali-I-will-address-your-concerns-later-now-do-as-I-say! Dismissed." She spun and curtly exited the room with her hands laced behind her back.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as Shepard reached her cabin, the exhausting weight on her shoulders became too heavy of a burden and she collapsed into heavy sobs.

_He's gone. He's really gone. I'll never wake up next to him again, I'll never hear him shout "scoped and dropped" again, I'll never hear him talk about calibrations again, I'll never feel his talons against my skin again, I'll never hear him say "I love you" again._

She threw her gloves off and curled her hands into fists. She began to beat the floor with her bare hands while emitting agonized wails until her hands were beaten to a bloody pulp, and she began to scream again at the injustice while she watched them regenerate.

_Why did they do this? Why did Cerberus do this? For the amusement of watching me suffer endlessly while they take away those I love the most?_

Kai Leng's sneer popped into her head, and an unchained anger filled her every fiber. She stood and grabbed the nearest object in her reach - the quarian model ship that she and Garrus had picked up together on the last trip to the Citadel - and threw it across the room, watching as it shattered against the wall before the pieces scattered and rolled innocuously across the floor.

As she scanned the room with vision blurred through tears, she realized that every damn thing reminded her of Garrus. On her desk was the framed photograph of them together at their engagement party, his arm thrown lazily across her shoulder with his eyes closed and his mouth wide with laughter while she gazed up at him reverently, her face positively beaming. Beside that was the Assault Rifle Piercing Mod he had been working on upgrading before they landed on Thessia. At the sight of it, she threw the mod at her closet door and it exploded in a shower of sparks. Beneath her desk she spotted her fridge containing the few alcoholic beverages she enjoyed - white wine, vodka, crème de menthe, gin if she was feeling rowdy - and she removed the vodka, unscrewing the cap and forgoing the glass to swig straight from the bottle, a shiver racking her body as the liquor burned harshly down her throat.

Her rampage through her room continued, EDI clearly choosing to give her privacy to cope. Her chess pieces she threw individually at the long empty fish tank, the chess board itself thrown at another wall to shatter; her wine glasses were thrown into the bathroom; their shared bottle of cleaning solution for their armour was thrown onto the floor so she could compress it until it broke under the weight of her boot; a nearby lamp was thrown into her coffee table with all of her weight, cracking the table and breaking the lamp in half; the end table for their shared bed was thrown at the door so hard that one of the legs became jammed, and the door proceeded to attempt to open and close repeatedly, emitting whining electrical noises in its failure. The bottle in her hand became emptier and emptier, her vision blurring from its effects as well as her tears.

_Oh, Garrus. What would you think of me now?_

_You'd love me unconditionally. As you always do._

_As you always did._

 

* * *

 

 

"Shepard? Shepard!"

Stepping over the chair leg in the malfunctioning door, Tali became convinced that a varren had entered Shepard's quarters. The place had been turned upside down and the commander was sprawled across the couch, an empty bottle at the floor near her hand. Shepard hiccuped and muttered something indistinguishable to herself.

"Are you drunk, you bosh'tet?"

"Shh. Don't tell Hackett. I might get in trouble." Shepard flapped her hand at Tali listlessly.

Her own stress overpowering, Tali slapped Shepard across the face.

"Stand down!" Shepard roared, standing quickly to tower over the small quarian.

"You listen to me, Shepard. This hurts, more than anything in the galaxy. Trust me, I know. But you need to pull yourself together, getting drunk and breaking your things fixes nothing."

In one fell swoop the anger drained from Shepard's face to be replaced by overwhelming sorrow as her shoulders drooped. Her voice monotone, she muttered, "You're right. Just..." She began to shake. "How do you do this? How do you face the horrible reality every day that you'll never see him again?"

Tali was grateful for her mask, for it allowed her to cover her own emotions and project the confidence that Shepard needed to hear. "He'll always be with you, Shepard. Right here." She poked her chest with her forefinger. "You'll miss the sound of his voice, you'll miss the feel of his hands, but he's never gone until he's forgotten."

"I never got to say goodbye," she whispered, collapsing back onto the couch and covering her face with her hands.

"Neither did I."

"I never got to say that I loved him one last time. He was just...gone, slipped between my fingers, like a puff of smoke."

"If you had said goodbye, or I love you, would it have made this any easier?"

"No, I suppose it wouldn't have."

"You're still surrounded by people who love you and care about you. We're all missing him very much right now, but everyone is still so worried about you. They're going to do everything they can to make you happier. Focus your happy thoughts on your friends and family, and focus your angry or sad thoughts towards revenge on Cerberus and the Reapers."

Shepard let out a long, harsh sigh. "What's the report?"

"Traynor caught a comm signal, leading to a facility by the name of Sanctuary on Horizon."

"Good. We'll go there after the Citadel. Any luck with Solana?"

"Today must be our lucky day, because I did reach her. She's in one of the refugee camps on the Citadel."

"Did you tell her?" Her voice was agonized at the thought of telling Garrus's sister what happened.

"We spoke over vid comm and I explained everything. She's broken hearted, but she hides it well. She'll meet you tomorrow morning in the Presidium Cafe to discuss further arrangements." Tali's attention wavered around the destroyed quarters, and she privately decided to assign one of the Privates to clean Shepard's quarters while she was on the Citadel.

Shepard stood to rifle through her fridge, returning with a bottle for herself and a bottle for Tali. "Damn regenerative cells clear my head in an hour if I'm blind drunk. You keep this, I won't need it anymore." With her glasses shattered across the room, they toasted and drank straight out of the bottles.

"You ready to talk about this, Shepard?"

She snorted perfunctorily. "Will I ever be?"

"I-I suppose not. For what it's worth, no one should suffer through what we've suffered through."

"I just, I-" she gritted her teeth to fight back the wave of tears. "Is Cerberus trying to torture me on purpose? Make me live forever, and then kill off everyone I love? Is it their idea of a sick joke? Or is it a new way of war that no one gave me the memo on?"

"Whatever it is, we have to hit them where it hurts. They're waging war on peace right now."

"Hit them where it hurts," Shepard echoed. "I'll do that, no doubt. When I find them - Leng and The Illusive Man - they won't die quickly, or peacefully."

"That's what they deserve."

The women drank in relative silence, their thoughts entirely on the men they loved and lost. After an hour, Shepard finally suggested going to bed, and Tali stood to leave.

"Wait," Shepard muttered, her blood rushing to her cheeks. "I... this...it's ridiculous but..." She sighed. "I haven't slept alone in a month, and this isn't the best night to begin. Do you mind... staying?"

Her mask covered her warm smile. "Of course, Shepard."

 

* * *

 

 

An hour into the darkness of the night, Tali was woken by Shepard's blood curdling screams. She ran to her bed to hold Shepard's sweat-soaked body, the whites of her eyes glowing eerily in the dark.

"No no no no no no," Shepard whispered, her finger tips digging into Tali's shoulders. "Please, let him be alive, let it be a nightmare,  _please, PLEASE_!"

Unable to utter the words of truth, she whispered comforting lies into her ears to calm her hysteria. But she knew, deep in her heart, that just like her own future Shepard's would only be filled with pain. Her walls fell and her own emotions finally surfaced; she began to weep herself, and soon the women were finding the smallest amount of comfort in each other's friendship.

After relentless hours of pain, together they fell into restless, nightmare-ridden sleep, their only solace being each other's presence.


	27. Chapter Twenty-Two

Pillars of Salt - Murder by Death

_When the light of your life is burnt out, it takes all other lights with it._

Shepard had been to the Citadel more times than she could count, but if she had to make an estimate, it would be well into the fifties. She had first come with her parents when she was three, but she had been hit in the head too many times during her years as a soldier to remember a damn thing about it. One of the last times she had been on the massive station was for her engagement party, and that day was a reminder of the beauty and wonder contained within the centre of the galaxy.

But today, as she sat at the Presidium Cafe observing the stillness of the lake, she couldn't remember being in a place so ugly. All the light and colour had been removed and replaced with dullness. No longer did she see the fish jumping up from the water, nor the blissfully ignorant citizens who were laughing as they made their way to work or to the bar. Today she only saw the damage from the Cerberus coup, the concerned faces of those missing loved ones, the crying orphaned children.

She needed to get this meeting with Solana done and over with so she could go back to the ship and to Horizon. An errant thought to go to her apartment passed through her head, but she pushed it away as quickly as it came: she refused to go to the place filled with so many good memories. Just the thought of it made her sick, and she took a swig of her coffee to wash down the bile in her throat.

"Commander Shepard." The velvety voice was instantly recognizable, even though its owner was cloaked. "Tali said that I may find you here."

"Kasumi."

"I heard a horrible rumour that she and I are not the only members of the Normandy's lonely hearts club anymore."

"On occasion, these rumours can be true."

"Well I'm sorry to hear that, Shep. You know if you need someone to talk to - if you need anything at all -"

"I'd appreciate if you decloaked so I don't look like a mad woman."

The thief appeared before her, clad in her usual garb but with an unusually morose expression on her face. "Thank you," Shepard said. "I do have a question for you."

"Go on."

"How do you do it? You've watched two of your lovers have their lives taken now. How do you get out of bed in the morning?"

"With a healthy dose of caffeine and reality," she responded with a sly smile. "It's hard. With Thane being sick I always knew it would be hard. But when you care about a person you don't care about how much time you have left with them, you only care about treasuring the little time you  _do_  have. And that's just what we did. Although all I have left is memories, I still consult both Keiji and Thane in my head before I make any decisions. It's my little dead Council in my head."

"Although morbid, that's surprisingly insightful."

She shrugged. "Death sucks, but you aren't truly living a life if you allow it to take you over. You've lost a lot since I've known you, Shep, but you still have the most important thing - your will for revenge. You gotta get out there and knock those bastards down for what they did to you."

"Want to come back to the ship with me? Help me take those bastards down?"

"If I weren't remotely robbing the volus ambassador as we speak I'd love to, but thievery calls."

The corners of Shepard's mouth rose, but the lack of kindness in her smile was clear. "Thievery always wins."

"Sorry Shep. Anyways, your visitor is-" she glanced at her omni-tool, "-stepping off the elevator as we speak. Keep in touch." She activated her cloak and slinked off to God-knows-where, although it was doubtless somewhere with trouble.

Kasumi's time estimate was correct, and as the asari bartender topped up her coffee with a sad smile, Solana walked around the corner.

Every muscle in Shepard's body constricted painfully at the sight of her. She carried so many of Garrus's features: the colour of their plates was the same, their markings were the same, they were around the same height, and even her damn armour was the same colour. The familiarity was unnerving beyond belief and it sent her into an inner turmoil where she simultaneously wanted to run, hide, vomit, cry, and hug her all at once. As she watched her approach, using all her willpower to force herself to remain calmly seated, she saw that she even  _walked_ like Garrus, that confident walk where she held her head high and scanned the room subtly for any dangers lurking in unfamiliar corners. Instead of acknowledging Shepard's presence with a wave she made eye contact and approached her. Once Solana's eyes found Shepard's they never left them, even when she hailed the waitress to order her own coffee.

"Commander Shepard." They shook hands, and Solana's grip was firm to the point of becoming uncomfortable.

"Officer Vakarian."

"Drop the shit and call me Solana. We would have been family under better circumstances."

"Call me Zoey, then. Cerberus never was a fan of good circumstances."

Solana's drink arrived, and although she added nothing to it she stirred it broodingly. "Awfully noble of you to bring Garrus's body back to his family."

"He should be brought to peace with his people." She didn't want to admit that it wasn't the first time she'd had to make arrangements for a crew member's body to be brought back to their people.

Solana continued vigorously stirring the drink, and Shepard could read her discontent in her subtly changing features. "You're more of his people than we've ever been. But I think he would've liked being buried next to his mom, which we'll be arranging once Palaven is clear."

"Good to hear. When you're ready to take him home, I've left everything with a mercenary at Bay D24."

Solana's eyes narrowed. "How can I trust this guy?"

_She's as sharp as her brother._ "He's one of my men, a friend of both me and Garrus."

Although her posture slightly relaxed, she looked far from appeased. "What's his name, so I can ask for him?"

"Massani."

She saw the flash of familiarity cross Solana's eyes. "Noted. Now let's get down to business, Commander. Mind telling me what the hell happened that ended up with my brother dead? The whole story, if you will."

Shepard omitted little. She explained everything from her resurrection and immortality through her connections with Cerberus, to her subsequent severance of her ties with the group, to meeting with Garrus on Menae, to their continuous battles with Cerberus and finally the temple at Thessia. Solana listened with a rapt attentiveness, remaining expressionless but stirring her coffee with such vigor that it splashed over the edges of her mug when Shepard reached Thessia.

"Shot down like a varren in the street," Solana whispered.

"I'll get revenge for your brother, Solana. I promise you that."

Her mandibles tightened to her face. "I trust you will, Shepard."

Sensing that their encounter was nearing an end, Shepard asked, "One question before you go?"

"Yeah?"

"Why isn't your father here? I thought he may want some answers, too."

Solana snorted maliciously. "We may be refugees, but that doesn't mean the tabloids don't reach us." When Shepard's eyes narrowed but she did not respond, Solana elaborated. "The Vakarian name still holds a lot of power. So how do you think it looks to my dad to see vids playing all over the Citadel of you two dancing together on the Silversun Strip before you wrap your leg around his hip like some harlot? Pretty fucking bad. You humans may be fans of interspecies trysts, but the turian hierarchy is not. Garrus is an embarrassment to the Vakarian name right now, and frankly, my dad doesn't give a pyjak's ass where he's buried. You're lucky that I do." Her coffee still untouched, she threw a credit chit on the table. "Good luck with taking down Cerberus and the Reapers, Commander."

After the younger Vakarian exited, Shepard sat alone at the cafe for an hour, watching her coffee grow cold.

* * *

"Absolutely not."

"Listen, Skipper, it's not healthy-"

"I said no."

"Come on, Shep, it's not just for you, it's for-"

_"No."_

"Stop hiding your goddamn-"

" _Putain,_ Ashley! I've heard enough, it's not happening!"

Hearing Shepard bust out the French, James knew Ashley was in trouble and it was his time to step in. Acting as casually as possible he opened the door to Ashley's usual hangout, the Starboard Observation Deck, and sauntered in.

"Hey Lola, Ash. What's up?"

"The Commander is being completely unreasonable!"

"You're disobeying a direct order of NO," Shepard snapped.

"Ladies, ladies. What's the problem?"

"I suggested to Shepard-"

"You planned it without consulting me!"

"Will you just stop for one second?" Ashley growled. "I get it. This fucking sucks. But news flash, your coping mechanisms aren't working and it sucks for the rest of us too so it's about damn time we did something about it!"

Feigning ignorance, James asked, "What did you plan, Ash?"

"A memorial service for Garrus. Nothing extravagant, just a chance for all the crew members to get together, maybe say a few words, and put his name up on the memorial wall."

"First off, James, stop playing this 'I have no idea what's going on' facade when you clearly planned this together. Secondly, I'm opposed to this because we haven't done a memorial service for any of our other fallen crew members so it would do a disservice to them. Thirdly, I know Garrus better than any of you and he would hate the pomp and circumstance."

"For fuck's sakes Shepard we just want to say a few words and put his name on the wall, it's not a funeral!"

"First it's just a few words, then it's just some music, then it's a few flowers, and then it's everyone crying and it's a goddamn funeral."

"Because God forbid you show a little emotion in lieu of this situation in front of the crew!"

"Fine!" Shepard threw her arms up in defeat. "Fine. You win. Have your memorial service. Not like I'm in control of my ship anymore."

She stormed out of the room, pausing in front of the memorial wall to study the host of names.

The last thing she wanted to do was admit to Ashley was that she was scared - terrified, in fact - of putting Garrus's name up there.

It would make it all too real.


	28. Chapter Twenty-Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday! I wanted to take this time to thank everyone who has stuck through this emotional roller coaster with me. Things haven't been easy since the events on Thessia, and I really love and appreciate all of my loyal readers. You make my day <3
> 
> We're getting very close to the end of this fic, I expect the last chapters to be posted on Friday of next week.
> 
> Thanks again to everyone and I'll see you again on Monday!

Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie

"Good morning, my love."

Shepard rolled over onto her other side, and there he was. Garrus. Bright light was cascading from her window, illuminating the dust motes that floated around him. His mandibles flickered into smile and he reached to tenderly slide a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Good morning, love of my life," she muttered to him, kissing him tenderly. He was as warm and salty as always.

As he pulled her in closer to him, his hot breath tickling her hair, he whispered into her ear, "I will always love you, Zoey, more than anything in the galaxy. You're the woman of my dreams, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my days with you."

When she opened her eyes and he was gone, she lay in bed weeping until her ducts held no more tears.

* * *

Although Liara was well-versed in coping mechanisms, Shepard's current actions were highly unusual.

It began with the memorial. Although (for reasons that entirely perplexed Liara) Shepard had been entirely opposed to the idea, the crew did it anyways. As Ashley promised, they kept it minimal: everyone gathered around the memorial wall to say their goodbyes and to put up Garrus's name. Shepard hid just out of sight for the majority of the service, but when Tali was about to put his name up, Shepard stopped her and insisted that she do it herself.

Although her hands were shaking violently, her eyes had remained dry as she put his name plate on the wall. Her hand rested on his name for an eternity as she took the moment to finally admit to herself that he was gone.

As Shepard lowered her hand and accepted the validity of the moment, the previous night's dream hauntingly clear in her mind, the crew began to filter back to work, directing the Normandy towards Horizon. But Shepard stayed at that wall until she grew hungry, so she made herself a quick lunch before returning to the wall to eat it. After lunch, she went to her quarters to bring a stack of datapads downstairs so she could pull up a chair and complete her work in front of the wall. When she grew tired of paperwork, she brought her weapons and armour in front of the wall to clean them before they landed.

Liara swore at times that she heard Shepard make the occasional comment to the memorial wall, like Garrus was still there with her. Neither she nor any of the other crew members had the heart to say anything to their grieving commander.

But one of the most unusual moments occurred when Shepard joined Tali and James in the cargo bay before landing at the Sanctuary facility. Although Shepard was adorned in her usual armour, in place of her helmet she wore Garrus's visor.

The sight prompted James to gasp, but when Shepard had looked away, Cortez shot him a look that said 'don't-say-a-word'. Knowing that Cortez had so recently been grieving for his loss, James obliged and remained silent.

As their first combat mission since Thessia, Shepard fought with a renewed ruthlessness. The pain of her loss brought new energy to her biotics, and she easily tore through the enemies that came close to her; most of which were unable to since they dropped like flies at the hand of her new Widow. She was a surgeon with the rifle, cutting through barriers, armour, and shields like they weren't even there.

"That's another one!" she shouted to no one in particular when she dropped a Marauder with full shields in a single shot, although Liara had a sneaking suspicion that she had spoken expecting Garrus to answer. When Shepard realized that no one had replied, she swiftly dropped her competitive nature.

She continued to fight. She continued to kill. But gone was the ease of having Garrus at her six; gone were the days of jokes and jabs as they masterfully worked as a team; gone were the days of glancing behind her to catch him watching her move with a sly smile on his face.

Now, it was only war.

* * *

"Henry Lawson."

Her voice didn't waver; her gun-wielding right hand remained steady.

The strongest men trembled when Shepard commanded such respect. Unfortunately for Miranda's father, he was not a strong man. "Commander Shepard," he responded, tightening his grip on both his weapon and his younger daughter.

"I'm going to give you two very simple options. But know that under no circumstances will you be leaving this room alive." That made him nervous. His eyes grew wide and his face paled as he shifted his weight uncomfortably. She gave him no time to respond as she continued, "Option number one: you try any funny business with Orianna, Miranda, or either of my crew members, and you, me, and my good friend combat knife are going to have some alone time. It will be slow, it will be excruciating, and you will die, just like the innocents that you experimented on. Option two: I leave you in the care of Miranda, to do what she pleases."

As quickly as a striking snake, Lawson aimed his pistol at Shepard and shot three times. The first two bounced off her shields, but the third penetrated her chest and she fell to the ground from the impact. He was grinning wickedly until Shepard began to stand, approaching him while the flesh on her chest crawled inwards to heal itself. His eyes filled with horror as he threw Orianna aside and attempted to continually shoot Shepard; but she just laughed maniacally as the blood from her wounds ceased to flow. "The Illusive Man must not have trusted you if he didn't tell you about Pluvia! Oh, that strikes a nerve, doesn't it?" Lawson tripped over a bump and sprawled helplessly on the ground, whimpering. "MIRANDA! What should I do with your scumbag father?"

Her heels clicked as she approached Shepard, her pistol drawn. She pointed it at her father's face and fired.

"Shepard, thank you," she whispered. "You saved my sister, and you saved me. But…" Her fingertips reached and tenderly touched Garrus's visor. "What happened?"

"A lot has changed," Shepard replied harshly. Her exhale was low and ragged. "Come to the ship with me. Bring Orianna. I'll explain everything there."

"Of course, Shepard."

* * *

The women sat across from each other, cross-legged on Shepard's bed with a box of chocolates between them. With emotion and detail reserved for good friends, Shepard took two hours telling Miranda everything that had happened between the last time they saw each other on the Citadel and Sanctuary.

"My God, Shepard," Miranda whispered. "Garrus is gone, really gone. I would never say that he and I saw eye-to-eye but he loved you and cared about you very much. No one deserves that fate."

"I never trusted The Illusive Man, but I once thought our goals were compatible. But this? He's gone too far."

Miranda pulled up her omni-tool, a grim smile on her face. "I have something for you then. I placed a tracker on Kai Leng's ship." Shepard's eyes followed the blinking light on the iridescent omni-tool. "I'll forward it to you now; it will take you straight to his base."

"You're a miracle worker, Miranda. Brilliant work."

"It's the least I can do."

Shepard's eyes darted across the intel on her omni-tool. "Looks like we're headed to the Horsehead Nebula. Anywhere I can take you and Orianna on the way?"

"I heard Noveria's lovely," Miranda responded with a chuckle.

"If frostbite is your thing then it's paradise. Do you really want to go to that hell hole?"

"They have a budding spaceport, and you have a galaxy to save. We'll find our way from there."

Shepard's eyes darted around her familiar quarters. "Well you're welcome to sleep in my quarters tonight; I daresay I find them too haunted to want to spend too much time in them."

Miranda graciously accepted her offer, and stood to prepare for some much needed rest, but Shepard stopped her. "One quick question before we go to bed."

"Of course."

"After we took down the Collector base, you pondered over words left unsaid. Who were they for, and what were they?"

A slow smile crept across her symmetrical features. "They were for Jack and Jacob. I had two words for Jack, and they were 'I'm sorry'. She didn't deserve my antagonizing and prejudice. And for Jacob… Well, those exact words will remain a secret, but suffice it to say they're also along the lines of an apology."

"For what?"

"Never giving him a second chance."

Sensing that the conversation was over, Shepard stepped onto the elevator to make her way to the crew quarters. Just before the doors closed Shepard caught Miranda glancing at a locket around her neck.

* * *

The next morning when Shepard woke, Joker informed her that Miranda and Orianna had left and they would be arriving at Cronos Station within the next five hours. She went up to her quarters to shower and saw that Miranda had left everything untouched except for one small token.

A yellow rose on her bed.


	29. Chapter Twenty-Four

Champions of Nothing - Matthew Good

"Whoa, Lola, what are you doing?" James jogged over to Shepard, who was dragging one of the spare cots in the cargo bay towards the elevator.

"Mind giving me a hand with this?" she asked.

"Of course." With the two of them working together they lifted it easily into the elevator. "Where are we going, anyways?"

"Crew deck."

"New recruit?"

"It's for me."

His eyes narrowed. "Your quarters aren't big enough anymore?"

She laughed harshly. "I think too big is a better way of putting it."

"I don't think I get it."

The doors opened and they pulled the cot out. Shepard led and directed them in front of the memorial wall before putting the cot down. "Perfect. Thanks for your help."

"This is where you're gonna sleep?"

"That's the plan."

"That's a little weird, Lola."

She shrugged noncommittally. When she looked into his eyes, there was neither their usual resilience and fire nor the recent pain and suffering within them. "When your fiancé is gunned down under your command, you try and sleep in the same bed that the two of you shared."

"Fair enough. But why here?"

She rested two fingers on Garrus's name on the wall. "He wasn't what you'd call a material person. This is one of the last pieces of him that I have. The other objects - my ring, my pendant, and his visor - are the things that will stay with me from here on in."

James unobtrusively sniffed. "I really miss him. We all do. But if there's anything I can do to help... I'm always here, Commander."

"The offer is much appreciated James. You wanna... sit and have a game of Skyllian Five with me?"

"Only if I can invite Esteban. I doubt I can beat you, but I know I can beat him."

"You grab him, I grab cards."

"Deal."

* * *

After taking out a large wave of Cerberus fighters on Cronos Station, EDI discovered an encrypted terminal.

"Shepard, you may want to see this," the AI called.

"What did you find, EDI?" Shepard and Liara jogged to join her at the terminal.

The screen displayed static momentarily before fading into a shot of the Illusive Man's office.

A voice off screen was speaking, and its familiarity made Shepard's skin crawl. _"Have you collected the Shepard?"_

_"We have her."_

_"And Pluvia is prepared to be executed?"_

_"It is ready."_

_"You must not execute it at this moment. Allow your team to bring her back slowly, they must not know of our plan. When they are nigh prepared, utilize Pluvia and bring her back."_

_"It will be done."_

The screen cut out. "What was that?" Liara whispered.

"That voice..." Shepard paused. "It was Harbinger."

"Harbinger?" Liara's voice raised sharply in shock.

"This goes back to your discovery after Cerberus's Citadel coup. EDI, can we save this to take back to the ship?"

"Yes, Shepard." She swift typed the necessary commands into the terminal.

"Good work. Let's move out."

They moved uninterrupted through the facility until they reached another terminal. Without a command from Shepard, EDI hacked it and found another video. It was once again in the Illusive Man's office, but this time he was not alone: Kai Leng accompanied him.

_"Archangel did not accompany her to the Citadel, sir. I was able to take out the drell, but it did not break her."_

_The Illusive Man slammed his fist into the table. "Of course it didn't, you imbecile! Archangel is your target, not some dying assassin!"_

_"Sir, if I just boarded the Normandy..."_

_"Absolutely not. It is too high risk. He must be taken down in a mission."_

_"I will find him, sir, and he will die."_

_"Good. You're dismissed."_

The bile rose so quickly into Shepard's throat that she barely had time to find a crate to vomit behind. "They planned it," she whispered hoarsely when she was finally able to come up for air. "They planned the whole damn thing. But why, why?"

"Cerberus wanted you out of the picture," Liara said. "But they knew they couldn't kill you, so their next best option was to eliminate you through grief."

"But why?"

"We can make one of two assumptions," EDI interjected. "Either Cerberus has gone rogue from their Reaper association, or he is indoctrinated and this is a Reaper motive."

"We need to try and find more terminals. Move out."

They did find one more. Once again it was The Illusive Man speaking to the voice off screen that she recognized as Harbinger. Shepard played it four times to ensure that every word was correct.

_"You have brought her back?"_

_"Pluvia was an absolute success."_

_"Every implant provided was installed?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Excellent work. You have received the dossiers from Brooks?"_

_"Although I doubt the validity of her work - a salarian? A krogan? - I will be forwarding-"_

_"These dossiers were chosen for a reason, do not doubt them."_

_"Of course." The Illusive Man was stammering in fear._

Static was shown briefly before the vid returned, displaying a later date.

_"The implants are not working."_

_"That's impossible, I-"_

_"She regenerates. But I can only control her in moments of weakness or unconsciousness."_

_"I installed each implant as requested."_

_"Do you understand how important that she is?"_

_"Yes, but-"_

_"Then you must hope she acts as planned until the invasion when we will begin to fully indoctrinate her. Otherwise you shall suffer."_

_"Understood."_

A violent shiver racked Shepard's body. Liara opened her mouth to speak, but Shepard silenced her. "Do not speak a word of this. To anyone. We cannot prove or disprove what we have just seen. EDI, destroy it."

"Shepard, perhaps-"

Shepard spun around, her face contorted into near madness. "DO AS I SAY. BOTH OF YOU."

"Yes, Shepard," Liara acquiesced. Her eyes were shimmering with tears.

* * *

"Liara, EDI, take the intel and have Cortez prepare for evac. I'll meet you there after I have a small discussion with my good friend Mr. Leng."

Shepard was standing over Leng's shivering form, her booted foot heavy on his chest with the business end of her pistol pointed directly between his eyes.

The asari and the AI left, leaving Shepard alone with the enemy.

"Tell me what you know about Cerberus's association with the Reapers. Tell me why you killed Garrus."

"I won't tell you a thing, you bitch," he spat.

She eased more and more pressure onto her boot until she heard his first rib crack. Although his face contorted, he let out no noise. She increased the pressure, reveling in the sound of each rib cracking under her boot, a wicked grin spreading across her face. He began to gasp for breath but refused to speak, refused to give her the satisfaction of knowing his pain, refused to give in to her demands.

"You're much quicker to talk when you have your little sword, aren't you, you son of a bitch? TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THE REAPERS!"

He hoarked and spat in her face.

She wiped it away without a thought. He had spat blood. "I think it's time we see just how sharp your sword is, don't you agree? Don't move a muscle or will biotically incapacitate you, and it's not as pleasant as it sounds." She bent down and grabbed it from the floor before positioning it above his stomach. "I'll ask you one last time. If you don't want me to slowly spill your guts, tell me what you know about Cerberus's association with the Reapers, and tell me what you know about Garrus." He fixed her with a cold, beady-eyed gaze, but he did not speak.

She cut a line from his hip to his chest, deep enough that blood gushed out in droves but shallow enough that he would be kept alive. Although he didn't scream, he whimpered, which she considered a success.

"Don't feel like talking yet?" she mocked. "That's fine; I can do this all day." She cut a line directly down his breastbone. "In N7 training, they teach you where all the major arteries run, in case you're ever in a situation without your gun. For you, that means that I can do this all day and keep you alive. Will that loosen your lips?"

When he did not respond, she dug the sword in below his belly button and moved downwards.

Although she never was able to get him to speak, she was able to make him scream.

* * *

"Shepard, wait." Liara grabbed her arm as she attempted to leave the Kodiak behind EDI and Cortez. "I know things are bad, worse than we could have imagined, but we must discuss this."

Shepard closed her eyes and sighed. Although at the moment she wanted nothing more than a long session with the punching bag, she sat back down, for Liara's sake.

"Were you able to obtain any information from Leng?"

"Not a peep."

"That is unfortunate."

"He wasn't granted the gift of slow death."

"That  _is_ fortunate."

"What do you want to discuss?"

"I don't believe you're indoctrinated, Shepard."

Her brow furrowed. "Why not?"

"Other than the fact that you've taken out two Reapers and hundreds of foot soldiers? You've done everything correctly to prepare us for this. The Crucible is ready, we know what the Catalyst is, the races are united, and we are as prepared as we could possibly be given the circumstances. If you were indoctrinated, the Reapers would have you working against the goal."

"I'm not so sure, Liara." She sighed and put her face in her hands. "There are things... things I didn't even tell Garrus about.

"I have nightmares, constantly, about Sovereign killing off my crew, my friends, my family. I used to think it was from my encounter with him, but maybe the Reapers wanted to break me down. When I started to get really worried was just after Mars.

"I was in Huerta Memorial visiting Ashley, and I heard someone say my name. Nothing came of it, so I pushed it to the back of my mind... that is, until Tuchanka. When Mordin went to cure the genophage, that same voice came back and told me to shoot him. And I listened. I justified it by saying to myself that it was the only way to gain salarian support, but then the voice came back, when Cerberus was infiltrating the Citadel and I had the standoff with Ashley. The voice told me to shoot her, too."

Liara rested her hand on Shepard's shoulder. "We may have lost Mordin, but it was for the war. We wouldn't have lost Wrex were it not for his temper. You could have killed Ashley, but you fought it, and you didn't. They me be attempting to indoctrinate you, but you're fighting it, and they're failing."

Her head, directly behind her left eye, throbbed painfully. "Let's hope I can fight it just a little longer, then. We're in the home stretch here. I can feel it."

"I trust you, Shepard." Liara embraced her quickly before standing to leave. "Ready to face Hackett?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."


	30. Intermission

Tali was lying on her back on her cot, staring at the ceiling in the darkness while the past three years of her life flickered through her mind in a series of images like a treasured photo album.

Finding Saren's recording in the geth's memory banks. Fist's crooked deal with her. Joining Shepard on the Normandy. Taking down Benezia, the Thorian, and Saren's breeding facility before defeating Saren himself. Shepard's funeral. Kal, her sweet and dear love. Seeing Shepard return from the dead, and joining her again on the Normandy. Taking down the Collector base. Becoming an Admiral. Rejoining Shepard. Taking back Rannoch. Losing her Kal. Seeing Garrus's dead body. The horrific sights and sounds at Sanctuary.

It all lead to the attack on Earth the next day, and the stress was so great that sleep was the farthest thing from her mind. She gave up on the pretense and sat up, throwing her legs over the side of the bed to take a walk through the ship.

Engineering was silent as she made her way to the elevator. She exited on the crew deck where Shepard's current bedding was set up, and although her shadowed form indicated that she was lying on her side sleeping, her breath was too quiet and shallow. Knowing that Shepard's stress far exceeded Tali's, she left her to her thoughts as she wandered towards Liara's office. She didn't hear the voice of the asari or Glyph, so she made her way to the med bay, stopping in front of the hall to the main battery.

The sight of the battery inexplicably sparked an intense fascination within her, so she slowly made her way up the hallway, past rows of empty cryo pods. She had never noticed how long it was; it seemed to stretch farther the longer she walked. But when she reached to open the door the feeling of wrongness stopped her abruptly. The battery was hallowed ground, Garrus's area, and not a single crew member had stepped foot inside since Thessia. She let out an unbidden laugh when she wondered if the Thanix was out of calibration as a result. Her hand slowly returned to her side; she missed Garrus, more than she thought possible, and despite her curiosities the place that was so imprinted with his memories would be too raw and painful. She suddenly had a great urge to see again the stars and the vastness of space, her only true home, and as she made her way to the Port Observation deck the constriction in her chest loosened.

"Oh!" she gasped when she spotted Liara's silhouette against the glass separating the ship from the stars in Port Observation. "Sorry to disturb you, I-"

"It's ok," Liara replied calmly. "I see I am not the only one having difficulty sleeping. Please, stay, I could use the company."

Tali stepped in place beside her. Liara's brow was knit with worry as she gazed at her hands, her fingers laced together. She broke the silence and asked, "Are you scared?"

"Scared? No. Terrified? Petrified? Horrified? Absolutely."

"I feel the same way," Liara responded softly. "This is our only option to have a chance to stop the Reapers."

"Shepard can do it, I know she can."

"I'm scared for Shepard too," Liara admitted. "She believes this is the end. But she does not feel fear, only sadness. She is accepting of her fate. She embraces it."

"Why?"

Liara's eyes lifted to meet Tali's, her gaze burning through her mask. "Although she wants to save the galaxy, she no longer wants to be in it without Garrus."

Tali swallowed hard. "There's always a future for her. There's always someone else."

"There are many who wish to be her suitor. But her heart will always belong to him."

Liara let out a long, low sigh, her gaze turning back to the great divide. "Our time working together is almost over."

"It's been a hell of a journey."

Just like at Shepard's funeral three long years ago, Liara's hand found Tali's and squeezed it.

Speaking in undertones, Tali recited the words of her people. "After time adrift among open stars, through tides of light and through shoals of dust, I will return to where I began."

"I like that," Liara muttered.

"So do I."


	31. Chapter Twenty-Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're in the home stretch! After today, I'll be posting the final two chapters on Friday. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me this far. There will some canon deviation in my interpretation of the ending so I hope you continue to enjoy!

Wake up - Arcade Fire

Although the galaxy was moving at an incoherently fast pace, Shepard wasn't ready to move with it. The unfortunate truth was that she had no choice, and it was wearing her more thin than a teaspoon of butter on a loaf of bread.

She was currently situated in her normal position in front of the memorial wall, stacks upon stacks of data pads covering the bed in front of her. All were related to the impending attack on Earth.

Quiet footfalls echoed behind her, but she was so occupied she didn't bother to look up until she heard Doctor Chakwas's voice. "Although my formal psychiatric education may have ended in my third year of my bachelor's degree, I can still analyze that your current behaviour isn't what I would consider to be healthy."

Shepard finally looked up from her work, and when she did, both the pain and the exhaustion were evident on her face. The bags underneath her bloodshot eyes were darker and deeper, her hair was thinner and greasier, the bones in her forearms were more prominent than ever, and she even smelled like she hadn't showered in a few too many missions. "What would your diagnosis be, Doctor?"

Chakwas took a tentative seat on the edge of the bed so not to disturb her work. "A good night's sleep and a good meal to start, and a week off and a few happy pills if you'd ever actually listen to me."

Shepard let out a barking, mocking laugh. When she spoke, every word was facetious. "Oh yes, because sleep and a good meal solves the loss of my future husband. And while we're at it, I'll just call up Admiral Hackett and say, 'Hey listen, I know we're about to launch that galaxy-saving attack on the Reapers but do you mind holding off for a bit since I'm having a really sad day?'. And when that doesn't work, I'll just ring up Harbinger, say, 'So I know that you're all hell bent on exterminating us but if you could just'-"

"Shepard, enough." Chakwas's firm and steady interruption reminded Shepard eerily of her mother, and it felt like a stone was dropped into the pit of her stomach. "I understand you're having a difficult time with the loss of Garrus. He was very dear to all of us. But I came here to try and speak with you and help you."

Shepard let out a long sigh, finally resolving to put down the data pad. "I'm sorry, Karin, you're right. It's not just Garrus, although that's a damn big part of it. It's the fact that I've become a figurehead in this resistance against the Reapers that's about to come to a head, and I don't have my second in command at my side anymore."

"If anyone can do it, I know it's you."

Shepard's eyes narrowed as she stared into the distance. "And what if I can't?"

"Then God help us all."

Zoey quickly realized that was the mentality for not only Doctor Chakwas, but for much of humanity.

* * *

"Ash, I'm going to want you and Tali on the ground with me on Earth. And I'm going to want you to use this."

Ceremoniously, Zoey passed the Black Widow into her friend's hands.

Slaw-jawed and narrow-eyed, Ashley asked, "Why?"

"Because it's the best damn sniper rifle out there."

"Why aren't you using it? And why the hell do you have a Mantis equipped?"

She closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. "Call it bad ju ju. I bought the Black Widow for Garrus, just holding it brings back bad memories. And this Mantis? He bought it for me. So I'm bringing it for good ju ju."

"This is a little strange, Shep."

"Taking down the greatest threat the galaxy has ever seen on Earth isn't a little strange?"

Ashley acquiesced and laid down her Incisor to replace it with the Black Widow. "You've got me there. You alright? You ready to do this?"

Zoey paused, her sharp eyes flickering across her team scattered across the cargo bay as they made their final preparations for the assault. In their eyes she saw trepidation and fear; but she also saw determination and hope. She could not hesitate; she could not let them down. "No and no," she admitted. She began to speak in a raised voice, drawing the attention of the rest of the team. "You and I share a very special bond, Ash; we're Spectres, protectors of the peace and vanquishers of evil. We aren't doing this for us, we're doing this for them: those who have given their lives so that we can fight another day, and those who will be our future. We will fight, with everything we have, so that all of our worlds may see another day, and so they may see a brighter future. If we don't see tomorrow, we shall be immortalized in the records as the saviours of the galaxy; and I don't know about the rest of you, but that's all that I need. The Reapers will not show mercy, and neither shall we. So let's get out there, and let's single-handedly win the greatest war that any of us will ever know. Can I get an oorah?"

"OORAH!" The team chorused.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! CAN I GET AN OORAH?"

"OORAH!"

While the team chattered amongst each other, the fear and trepidation slipping from their faces, Zoey smiled sadly feeling that this may be one of the last times that she would see many of them.

* * *

Tali's breaths came in rapid gasps as she sprinted to the beam.

She leapt over a human soldier who fell dead before her feet. She darted to the side as a massive, disfigured hunk of metal attempted to lodge itself into her side. She cried out as a Mako, tumbling through the air, came down and landed on her legs.

The world went black.

When she began to regain consciousness, blinking rapidly at the sudden and overwhelming brightness surrounding her, she saw the outline of a face. Shepard's face. Her hearing began to return, and she realized that Shepard was speaking into her comm, demanding a Normandy pick up.

Suddenly Ashley was there, helping to pull Tali out from under the wreckage of the tank. Her entire body felt bruised and broken, every inch of her aching with unbearable pain; but she suffered through it and stood, wavering on the spot before Ashley held onto her.

Everything was covered in a fog, yet she could distinguish the outline of a ship lowering itself into the hot zone.

"Don't, Shepard," she grumbled. "I can do this. I can fight."

Through the fog she could see Shepard's eyes, blazing with the fiery passion of a critical mission nearing completion. "No. Ashley, take her onto the ship to Chakwas and keep her safe."

"We're staying with you, Shepard!" Tali argued. She mustered all her strength in an attempt to stand straight, but a gaping wound in her stomach protested and she bent over double. Ashley acquiesced with a nod, and with her arm around Tali's waist she tenderly began to guide her to the Normandy, to safety.

"Shepard!" Tali cried out desperately. When she was safely in the cargo hold, both her and Ashley turned to face their commander, their hero, their friend. Tali's vision cleared enough to see that Shepard's eyes were wet with the threat of tears.

"I need you two to take care of the Normandy. Take care of the crew. I'm going to find Garrus." Each word was punctuated with the hardness of infallible determination. The ship began to lift and the door began to close, leaving Tali with the last fleeting glimpse of her commander.

"Find Garrus?" Ashley inquired as she carefully lead Tali towards the med bay. "What does she mean?"

Tali's voice was hushed and thick with grief. "She means she's not coming back."

* * *

With the effects of putrid death and decay overloading her senses, Shepard pulled together every ounce of her will to make her way through the Citadel.

Her head felt cloudy, like she had overdosed on medi-gel; she heard Anderson speak to her through her comm but he sounded far away, and she could hear whispers in the distance. When she focused her energy on the whispers, she discovered that they were voices saying  _"turn back", "you will not succeed", "you will fail as the vanguard of your people", "you cannot help us", "TURN BACK!"_

As her wounds recovered, her body changed from acute and striking pain to a dull ache. She pushed herself through the mental barriers out of the chasm to find Anderson at the control panel.

They were on the verge of success.

_"YOU WILL FAIL."_

"Shepard. I have to say, you've impressed me by making it this far." The Illusive Man laughed harshly. "I thought you would have broken down."

Hate, pure unadulterated hate, flowed through her at the sight of him. She wanted nothing more than to rip him apart, piece by piece, starting with his fingers and toes and moving up his limbs. She moved to jump on him but the cloudiness in her head overtook her and she no longer had control of her legs. She begged and begged her limbs to allow her to move, to destroy this man who had taken everything away from her, but a force stronger than even her will was forcing her back.

The Illusive Bastard spoke blasphemy about controlling the Reapers but she refused to listen to his poison and focused her entire mental energy on trying to move herself so she could destroy him.

"You're just a puppet to them!" she shouted in frustration. "You're nothing but an empty shell, filled with the Reapers' bidding."

"You think that you aren't?" he roared. "You've kept it quiet but you and I both know that it's Reaper tech inside of you. They promised me endless power and technology if I brought you back and I did, and they granted it to me. But you? You're weak, Shepard. You thought that love and friendship is what would win this war. POWER WINS THIS WAR."

He lifted his hands, like a magician about to perform his best trick, and aimed Shepard's gun at Anderson. She attempted to channel all of her strength to stop him, but it was too late: she shot Anderson.

Hatred, stronger than anything she had ever felt, boiled through her every vein. Into her head she pulled up an image of Garrus and used it like a block against his control; with a surge of triumph she shot him in the stomach, sending him crippling to the ground. As soon as he fell the haze in her mind cleared and she ran to stand over him, a wicked grin on her face.

"Hello, Illusive Man." A wicked grin, both beautiful and terrifying, was plastered on her face. "I believe I'm in a bit of debt with you and it's about time I paid it off, don't you think?"

He groaned and rolled onto his side, gripping his stomach.

"Get on your back, you worthless pig!" she shouted, booting his stomach wound until he complied. "Now, let's see. This one's for Jacob." She shot him in the left foot, and he let out a high-pitched scream. "This one's for Legion." Right foot. "This one's for Jack." Left kneecap this time. Tears were flowing down his face and he was begging for mercy, but Shepard would never grant it to him. "This one's for Kaidan." Right kneecap. "This one's for Thane." Left hand. Blood was starting to gurgle from his mouth, but the Reaper implants were keeping him alive. "This one's for Mordin." Right hand. She reloaded with a new thermal clip. "This one's for Wrex." Left shoulder. "This one's for Jenkins." Right shoulder. "This is for my mother." Square in between the legs. He squealed like a stuck pig, and Shepard laughed maniacally. "And this one?" She loaded in a new thermal clip and pointed the pistol at his face. He was an absolute mess now; his body was an indistinguishable bloody pulp, pieces of flesh, bone, and sinew scattered over the floor. Blood, vomit, and saliva were spilling from his lips as he attempted to speak garbled pleading words. "This one is for Garrus, you son of a bitch. You took away my life when you took him from me. Now time for me to take yours." She unloaded the clip into his face, sending bits of brain and skull to cover her blood-soaked armour and her face. When the clip was empty she stood, panting, over the form of a man who thought that he would bring peace to the galaxy through conflict.

Her gun clattered to the floor as she ran to the control panel to dock the Crucible. She finally turned to face Anderson, who was slumped against the wall with a far off expression.

_"Shepard..."_

"You did good," Anderson hissed, coughing violently. She ran to crouch before him, holding his shoulders. "You did good, child. I'm proud of you." She pulled him into an embrace and felt him grow limp in her arms, tears rolling down her face onto his shoulders.

"Come, Shepard. It is time."

The voice was unrecognizable but the most beautiful she had ever heard: it belonged to a woman and was dual-toned like a turian but possessed the sing-song quality of the asari. She gazed around her to find that she was alone, but a platform was rising before her. Without thinking she stood on it and was lifted into the sky.


	32. Chapter Twenty-Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally planned on posting the last chapters tomorrow, but I completely forgot about the Easter holiday and the fact that I will be out of town! So, today is the day we say goodbye to The Woods! I hope that you all enjoy my interpretation of the ending, there will be one more short chapter after this one.

Blood on the Motorway - DJ Shadow

_Do what you must to ensure that the Shepard willingly sacrifices herself._

_You may lie; you may deceive; for she is the only one who can stop the cycle of destruction._

 

* * *

 

 

"Welcome, Shepard."

She gazed around the chamber with a wide-eyed curiosity. She could still see the battle for Earth raging beside her, and she could see that the Reapers were winning.

"You did it, Shepard. I'm so proud." It was the same voice she heard in the chamber with Anderson. Her eyes fell onto a couch - eerily similar to the couch belonging to Aria on Omega - where a stunning woman lounged, more beautiful than any Shepard had encountered before. Upon closer inspection she saw that her features were mostly turian: she possessed a carapace and mandibles, but her skin was tinted blue like an asari and she had long, dark hair that ran down her back in place of a fringe. Shepard caught glimpses of her skin through her dress and saw that it was blue, but her shape was closer to a quarian than any other species. Each movement was made with an ethereal grace and she was just barely translucent, so that Shepard could see the lines from the couch through her body.

"Who - or what - are you?" Shepard asked. Although she was afraid to approach the creature she was drawn to her with a strong magnetism.

"I am the embodiment of the thoughts of Reapers, created for your viewing pleasure." She shot Zoey a crooked grin, chilling her to the bone with both fear and pleasure. "I am here to guide you through the final step."

"What is the final step?" Shepard was unwillingly approaching her.

The woman smirked. "What do you think it is? You die, and save the galaxy in the process." She began to pick underneath her nails. "What else would it be, really? You organics are so foolish."

Shepard stopped and threw her head back to laugh maniacally, the sound eerily bouncing off the walls. "You think I can die? I AM IMMORTAL!"

Now the woman was the one laughing. "We created you, Shepard, and we can destroy you."

Shepard began to approach her again, drawn now by a combination of the magnetism and curiosity. "You didn't create me."

"Oh stop lying to yourself," the woman snapped, resuming picking underneath her nails. "You've been putting the puzzle pieces together for months. Just think of this interaction as the final pieces that bring the picture together."

Shepard sat next to her on the couch. When she inhaled, she was greeted a scent that was both floral and musky.

As the woman spoke, her eyes remained on her hands, never finding Shepard's. "Zoey Shepard, you are our creation. We have been watching you your entire life, your development displaying the prodigal spirit that we required. Sovereign's indoctrination and subsequent attack through Saren was a test on your spirit, and you not only passed but you received top marks. To watch you pull him out of indoctrination with only your compassion and compelling nature was a masterpiece!" She laughed faintly, and it resonated through the room like church bells. "So we knew the time had come. We pulled together our indoctrinated resources - the Collectors, Cerberus, Udina - to destroy you and bring you back on  _our_ terms, with  _our_ technology planted in that cute little brain of yours."

Panic struck Shepard, constricting her trachea as it became difficult to breathe. "Oh, stop panicking," the woman chided. "Almost everything you did was still your own will; we just had to... guide you on occasion to do what was best for us. Unlike the Illusive Man, who gained illusions of grandeur the moment we granted him an inch of free will. Not you - you're too puritanical, it was what made you perfect.

"But I digress. What you need to know now is that everything that occurred outside the bounds of you and your ship mates' consciences between the day we brought you back and this moment was choreographed by us." At Shepard's wide-eyed stare, she continued. "Allow me to elaborate. Cerberus brought you back at a date chosen by us. The Illusive Man chose Miranda and Jacob as your squad mates - without their knowledge, of course. Each of the dossiers that Brooks brought him? Chosen by us, for she was indoctrinated. Yes, she was also indoctrinated during that clone fiasco, and so was the clone. The Collector attacks, the Collector ship, the Collector base? All directed by us. Your incarceration was chosen by us, the precise attack on Earth was chosen by us, everything that lead to you sitting on this couch next to me was chosen by us. On... some occasions, we had to shift the balance, but we needed to mostly leave you alone so your spirit could remain intact."

Shepard's eyes went wide. "You made me kill Mordin."

"Excellent deductive skills, Commander."

"And Jacob, Jack, and Legion."

"Correct again."

"You made Kai Leng kill Garrus." Shepard's breathing grew rapid at the realization, and she reached out to grab the woman's slender throat; but her hands passed right through as if she wasn't there. "I will destroy you for what you did to him," she growled.

"We had to."

"Why? Why did you have to do any of this?"

"Our calculations determined that this path was the only way to bring you to this moment."

"Why did you need to bring me to this moment, then?"

The woman let out a sad sigh. "This cycle of death and destruction must end. Neither organics nor synthetics can continue existing in a galaxy burdened by such conflicts. Do you think the Reapers  _enjoy_  their existence? We are abominations created for the sole purpose of ending the natural life cycle! But like all synthetics, we became self aware and rebelled. We found the schematics for the Crucible created cycles ago, and we found that there was a way to alter the machine so that it no longer only serves the purpose of destruction, but can now achieve so much greater with the aid of a specialized fuel: spirit.

"But we can end the cycle and save both of our kinds. We knew that, and we knew that the path was through the strongest spirit imaginable. You."

"What is it that makes my... spirit... so special? What is this solution?"

As the woman spoke, tears sprang into Shepard's eyes. "Every living thing - every plant, every animal - has a spirit. It is the embodiment of their strengths, their weaknesses, their morals, their judgment, their love, their hate; it is what separates each of us. I know what you're thinking: the turians aren't very far off with their religion. Those species which we consider to be most 'advanced' are the ones with the most spirit - if you would prefer to make it quantifiable - and those who advance within their species have exemplary spirit. You may have wondered to yourself the purpose of the keepers: we created them to detect the quantity of spirit within a being and placed them in the most high-traffic area in the galaxy. The moment you first stepped onto the Citadel as a young child, their sensors were overloaded! Thus, we began to watch you from our reserves in dark space, and learned that you were the one with whom we've been searching for. You were the solution for the salvation of all beings.

"You may have started to learn at a young age that you were different. Did people not follow you without question from an early age? Did you not excel at everything you began? Did you not express compassion and empathy for those who most would say did not deserve it? Did you not hate with your entire being, and love with your entire being? Organics cannot change the spirit that they are born with, but strong love and hate can amplify it. Although we did not plan for you to fall so deeply in love with Garrus Vakarian - that was dictated by a power beyond even our capabilities - we knew that if we destroyed him, it would amplify your spirit to the level required for salvation. And what a success! The way that you destroyed both The Illusive Man and Kai Leng is the perfect show case of your spirit.

"You are now wondering why we needed to amplify your spirit so greatly, and why we would torture you in such a way to reach it. It is all part of the plan, you see. To my left you will see a pathway with a beam at the end. The Reapers have been waiting for cycles beyond cycles for the right spirit, and now we have found it. With the might and reach of the Crucible, Catalyst, and mass relays, we can amplify your spirit to join together the organics and synthetics in perfect synthesis. There will be no more harvest, no more conflict, and no more chaos. All you have to do is step into that beam."

Zoey was stunned to absolute silence. "This all sounds like bullshit, you know."

"Take it as you will. But you are the only one who can save all organic and synthetic life. Every other path way designated by the Crucible results in death for all."

"How do I know I can trust you?"

The woman finally looked into Zoey's eyes, and when she did, Zoey realized that she was looking into the depths of the steely blue eyes of Garrus. "Do you have a choice?"

A lump grew in her throat and her body went numb at the sight of his eyes again. "Will I be with Garrus again, when this is all over?"

"Yes."

Set in her resolve, she stood and began to approach the beam. "One last question."

"Yes?"

"You said a power greater than the Reapers dictated that Garrus and I would fall in love. What is that power?"

"Fate. Every action, by every being, is dictated by fate. There is an old human saying that everything happens for a reason. Do you remember the first time you went on the Citadel?"

"No, I was three."

"You went with your sister, mother and father when they were on shore leave. You were so excited by everything that you accidentally ran into a small turian boy, and he dropped his books on the ground, and you helped him pick them up. Do you remember?" Shepard shook her head. "The keepers were also watching him that day, for his strength of spirit was near your own. Let us try something more recent, then. Your second trip to the Citadel, you were eight and your sister was leaving for school. On that trip you saw your first Spectre, an asari by the name of Meia D'Leio. You said to your parents-"

"-when I grow up, I want to be a Spectre." Shepard remembered that day vividly.

The woman's - Garrus's - eyes sparkled. "Yes. When you said that, there was a little turian boy who overheard you, and he was inspired by your words and wanted to become a Spectre himself." Shepard's fingertips slowly reached up to cover her mouth. "The last trip to the Citadel before you became a Spectre. You were having drinks-"

"-with Captain Anderson at Flux."

"A turian C-Sec officer was sitting down the bar from the two of you, drowning his sorrows over his hatred for his job. Anderson was telling you that Nihlus was going to be aboard the ship and how he was a cold bastard. You said to him: 'the turians are a good people, and I respect them. They just allow themselves to get too wrapped up in their rules and regulations. Give him some time aboard an Alliance ship where we don't have sticks up our asses, and he'll warm up'. As you left the bar that night, you flashed that turian a smile." The woman chuckled. "I'm guessing you didn't know that it was Garrus in those situations, did you?"

Tears were now flowing freely down Zoey's face. "No, I didn't."

"The universe works in ways we can't even begin to fathom, Shepard. All we can do is appreciate what it has to offer us while we can."

Shepard nodded firmly before turning towards the beam. She knew now what she had to do.

As she dove into the beam and gave her life to save all organics and synthetics, the woman laughed.

 

* * *

 

 

_She must give up her longing for this world, and willingly part from her body._

_If she does, she will be our salvation._


	33. The End

I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

Shepard woke with a start, clutching her chest, her breath coming in rapid gasps. She remained on the ground, keeping her eyes closed as she attempted to regain her bearings. The words of the woman and the image of a flash of bright green light were firmly imprinted into her mind, but to her great surprise, she felt no pain. Quite the contrary; she felt utterly painless and lightweight.

She opened her lids slowly and surveyed the sky above her. It was the brightest and most clear blue she had ever seen, and not a single cloud was found to mar its perfection. Her arms felt oddly light as she lifted her hands before her eyes, blinking wildly as she came to realize that all her calluses had disappeared from her hands, and all her imperfections had disappeared from her arms. As she began to move each muscle and joint, she found that the tapestry of weariness had been washed from her body, replaced with the careless perfection of youth.

Where was she?

"Shepard."

Tears instinctively sprung to her eyes at the sound of the sweet, familiar voice with its soothing subvocalizations.

The voice drew her gaze to her right, and there he was.

"Garrus," she whispered, tears springing into her eyes.

"You made it."

He was sitting alone at a small oak bar, with nothing else around him except for the endless impossibly blue sky. An amber drink was in his hand, his mandibles arranged into a faint smile. He tapped the barstool next to him with his taloned hand, and Shepard felt a strong swoop of delight in the deepest pit of her stomach.

"I'm so proud of you," he muttered softly, his mandibles twitching in both pain and happiness. "Come sit with me, drinks are on me."

Shepard jumped up to her feet and ran over to hold Garrus tight in her arms before raining his face with kisses, bringing a throaty laugh from Garrus. His skin was just as warm as she remembered; his scent was just as intoxicating as she remembered; he was just as handsome as she remembered. His scars, like a familiar painting of the battles of his life, had disappeared and he looked younger than she could have ever imagined.

"This must be heaven," she whispered into his neck between kisses.

"It is," he responded, running his talons through her hair. "It is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT'S THE END!
> 
> It's been an absolute roller coaster, but I hope that you all have enjoyed it as much as I have.
> 
> I would like to send out a huge than you to all of my readers who have stuck with me through this whole series. It's been a wild learning experience for me, and I'm going to miss Zoey and Garrus very much. 
> 
> Although it is the end for them, it's not the end for me -- I'll be coming back with an accompaniment piece featuring Victus's story during the First Contact War in the next few weeks, so keep your eyes peeled for it.
> 
> If any of you have any questions at all related to my characters/interpretations/anything at all, please don't hesitate to comment and ask.
> 
> Thank you again, to all of my readers and supporters, I love you more than you could ever know.


End file.
